Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Secret songs wrapped in boxes that you keep...

This song fits my mood right now.

Friday, December 24, 2010

It feels like summer in October...

I'm not a traditional person.
Probably shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has known me for any length of time.

and I want to "$100 Groom" by Paul Westerberg played at my wedding.

Listen to either and you start to get an idea of what I'm talking about.
Not to mention that I find the movie "True Romance" infinitely more romantic than some drivel like "The Notebook".
Those are scratches on the surface of what make me not a traditional person.
I just don't see the sense in following what is "normal" for the sake of status quo. Doesn't interest me. I'd rather watch christmas themed horror movies than "A Christmas Story".
I have a tendency to take the easy route that ends up being the hard road. For instance, college, it just wasn't for me. I tried to 2 and a half semesters and I did well enough but I was bored out of my mind even in the classes that I have interest in, like Sociology and Pop Culture in the 21st Century. I do better reading and learning about things that interest me on my own time. Granted this way I'm not going to get an degree to put on my resume but I get more out of it learning at my own pace.

I've always said that I'd rather be happy than rich and since I don't have that college degree I don't really have the option to get rich and I'm ok with that. I can't say that I'm happy at my current job but it works for now and I'm always on the look out for something that will make me happier.
Its much more interesting to take the scenic route anyway.

Religion is another area where I don't take much stock into tradition. Christmas isn't my cup o tea. Mostly its the consumerism that has taken eaten up the idea of family that seemed to be the biggest reason to celebrate the holiday. That and the fact that once religion has used it to assert its dominance over every other which I don't agree with. Not that I side with one religion or another, well I guess that's the reason it bothers me, because I don't think one is more correct than any other. I don't like having one religion's beliefs thrown into my face every way I turn.
Some people seem to have a problem with the fact that I don't subscribe to any religious beliefs. I all I can think is why the fuck is it important. Maybe because I don't plan on raising my child within religion. If she chooses later on in life to post up with one then that's her choice. She could be a Scientologist for all i care but I have no desire to push her into anything. As long as I teach her to be respectful and kind then that is all the religion I'm concerned with.

I'm kind of rambling, I'm having a hard time keeping my train of thought since "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" is on. I had this well thought out ahead of time. Ah well. I doubt I've said anything the way I meant to. Bring on St Patty's day.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Beginning to get to the good parts...

Just thinking about it and I can't believe how much has changed in about a years time. In some ways I'm a completely different person and in others I just the same ol' midwestern shitshow.
This time last year I was reveling in my single status. A few days off having an irish whiskey fueled christmas themed horror movie marathon and Rock Band 2 sing off late into the night.
Tonight instead I spent my day off of work hanging pictures, cleaning the apartment and shopping with my 5 and a half months pregnant fiancee' (which if anyone didn't know, the engagement came first). I did get to play some Rock Band with my future sister in law and her husband so killing it on fake instruments is a bleed-through of my former life.
Traded in big lights, big city of the Mini-apple for the dim street lights and low key nights in Sun Prairie, Wisco.
The anxiety and panic attacks are a constant.
A year ago on any given night I could have been found in one of three places, The CC Club, The Triple Rock Social Club or my couch in my apartment.
These days you will find me climbing around the insides of rental cars cleaning up the used coffee cups and used kleenexes of businessmen and women. If not there then I can still be found in my apartment on the couch.
I've traded in packed living rooms filled with Surly beer, drunken conversations and double feature movie nights.
Now its video games after work til midnight then sleeping til 10:30am then out the door by 1:20pm for work.
It was nice to have the life of leisure but as much as I'd rather be in a different line of work I do like earning a paycheck.
Absolutely there is no way in the world that last year I would be able to say to anyone that in a few short months I would be experiencing fatherhood.
The strangest thing I think for me is since I found out I would have a Lucia Phair on my hands I have lost my desire to drink.
A year ago I was drinking like a fish and these days I might get a flash of an idea that I beer would sound good but then it fades as quickly as it comes. Probably couldn't sound more cheesy but I think knowing I have a daughter on the way and I'm gonna have someone in my life that won't leave, atleast not for 18 years or so, has filled some hole in myself that nothing else seemed to plug up.
Suzy has been a huge positive influence in my life. Sure I had my fun with some random heroes that would follow me home after Triple Double Tuesday or as I walked out of the CC Club but I've found myself a peach.
You can bet the hormone attacks she has can be a bit testing but its absolutely worth it in the long run and the are only temporary.
She treats me better than I deserve, more than I've been treated in I can't remember how long. Its so odd to me sometimes that I slip back into my old defensive ways when I don't even need to. I'm so use to being told I'm wrong in a relationship whether I am or not that I assume I need to defend myself when there isn't a need. Old habits can be hard to break.

I only wish I were back where I was a year ago in just two instances
1: my friends. I miss my MPLS friends. Always knowing that if I wanted to there would be at the very least one person I could call up and catch a beer or a movie with. I don't think, save for two people, I've ever known or had so many loyal guys and gals surrounding me. It was an incredible feeling. I loved being in crew. Never felt that before.
2: I miss MPLS straight up. I miss wandering around the city, I miss always having a show to go to or a bar that I would run into any number of people that I could pull up a seat and shoot the shit with.
I loved the glow of the downtown lights, midnight showings at the Uptown, bike rides to the west bank.
If I could move my new life into a sweet pad in the Mini-Apple and then move Murder-apolis to the edge of the ocean I would be living the best life I could dream of.
Maybe somehow that might happen in the future in some form or fashion. Fingers crossed.
Right now I'm living in a pretty rad point in my life. I wanna sit and savor it a bit though the money situation could hurry up and get better but that is of small concern to me compared to all the great things I'm enjoying right now.

Monday, December 13, 2010

baby daughter and a burrito baby..

Today was a jittery and nervous and exciting day. If you have read the baby's blog then you already know why.
I'm officially having a daughter.
I knew all along that she was gonna be a girl. Everyone kept telling me she was actually a boy but i knew better. Some of it was that I was preparing myself so I wouldn't feel disappointed that I wasn't having a boy because when I set my mind to something if anything else happens that isn't what I had in mind I do get disappointed. That was the last feeling I wanted to have when it comes to my child.
I was so happy to call my mom since its been a dream of hers to have a daughter so a granddaughter is probably the next best thing. She needed some good news and I was glad to give her some.
Suzy's mom came with us to the appointment and it was hilarious listening to her ask questions, the technition was amused by her too, like her question of " so are those boy kidney's or girl kidney's?" while measurements were being taken.
I'm nervous for all I am going to be in for in the next 18 years or so. I gotta practice being the over-protective father who intimidates all the boyfriends. Worrying about her having a bad body image. Cruel girls treating her bad and all those other things that are so hard to protect her from.
I am going to try my damnedest to teach her respect and work ethic and politeness. The last thing I want is for her to be a spoiled brat. It was pointed out to me that atleast we get to avoid the whole circumcision decision.
I hope against hope that she picks up on my geekiness, love of music and movies and comic books. It would be pretty rad.
So yeah, how about that snowstorm. I didn't get have to go to work because of it, that was nice but other than that there isn't much else to say about it.
Not looking forward to working tomorrow in the super cold weather for 8 hours.

I busted out Rock Band today before the Dr. apt. to clear my mind and avoid the nervousness. Well I totally forgot just how bad of a singer I really am. I still love to sing piss-poorly but its gotta be torture for anyone to listen to, especially sober hahahaha.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Suzy says gingers can't be tough guys...

It feels so good.
Good to have a real home, yes i know, its actually an apartment but it feels like a home. Its cozy and plenty of spaces for relaxation. We have the huge ass bed, the baby's room is being to slowly come together ( its gonna double as a guest room too when need be).

Last night I took the opportunity to take a respite from unpacking and getting stuff in order to go with Adam and Danielle to the High Noon Saloon to see the last show of the tour for Doomtree. I gotta say Sims, Mike Mictlan, P.O.S. and Dessa killed it. Cecil Otter was good but he hung back a lot and wasn't really into it. It was a total rad show. Made me miss my MPLS friends. I could just imagine rockin' the show with Emily, Boston and Anna. Also brought back memories of the Doomtree Blowout I went to with Anna last year. Would also have been nice if Suzy could have gone too but after doing so much unpacking she was worn out and needed to have some relaxation time and enjoy the place to herself for a while.

Had a doctor's appointment today, it went well, I liked the doctor. She seemed like she was talking "with me" not talking "at me". Thats hard to find in a DR. now days.

I have a six day work week this week so I can have saturday the 18th off for Suzy's mom's kids christmas. Otherwise as I've done most of my working life, I am working christmas eve and day. Which is fine, I'm not a christmas person.
Though I do get New Years eve and day off plus I should have that sunday and monday off too so four days total. MAYBE just MAYBE I can find a way to make it a Minneapolis New Years trip if Suzy could get the time off too.

Oh and just a for everyone's benefit do not watch Jonah Hex. Its horrible. So bad in fact that I turned it off halfway through and I can sit through pretty much any shit movie. Its not so shitty its good, its so shitty its just plain shitty.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

When you married to gay penguins...

Well we are freshly in the new apartment and it is super amazing.
I love it. Lemme say it again, I love it.
I should be in bed right now since I have to get up at 9am to move all my crap from my mom's house. Its gonna be great to finally put my dvds back in order. AND get my tv off the floor but especially I get my big ass bed back. I miss it so much.
Thats sad but true.
Then on saturday morning its more moving, this time its getting all Suzy's stuff but totally atleast I have her family helping me get her stuff out of the old apartment.
THEN FINALLY WE WILL BE DONE and we can decorate the apartment.
Plus this next four days off is going to be amazing. I am so worn out from moving stuff then working all in one day.
Ok my brain cannot function right now, i'm going to bed.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Moving is a pain in the ass...

Fuck is this stressful.
Its probably the most stressful part of the whole moving experience, just trying to figure out the logistics of the plan to move.
I've got a hell of a lot of heavy stuff to move and I have some people to help with it but Suzy won't be able to help a lot of it since being in a "delicate state". I don't expect her to be moving colossal boxes or anything, its just really anxious about the fact that I am going to be moving the bulk our possessions. I'm gonna be worn out.
I guess I just wish Suzy was able to help more, not in a selfish way exactly but more of a bonding way, like its "our" first real place together and we have to rely on other people to help.
That is what usually happens when you move, other people help but somehow its not the same.
I know that Suzy feels bad because she can't help more and thats causing a bit of tension between us not to mention money troubles don't make things much easier.
I've been planning things in my head on the best course of action.
Tuesday I pick up keys, hopefully I'll be able to get a few things in after work that night.
Wednesday morning, take the TV and my boxes that I have at Suzy's place before I go to work. Blow up the air mattress. Suzy has to be at the new place between 3 to 5 for internet hookup. Hopefully she can pick up some small boxes to bring over.
Thursday I pick up the moving truck before work then after work, grab her bed to put in the second bedroom and her vanity.
Friday morning I head to my mom's to grab all my stuff i have there, Adam and my mom are gonna help me with that stuff. Awesome.
Saturday morning, drive to Stoughton to get couches and table from Suzy's sister, her mom and other sister are gonna meet me at the new place to help carry it up i guess. That is gonna be really helpful.
I'll probably need a nap after i return the moving truck. Suzy is off work at 1:15 then she and her fam can hopefully go to her current place and grab some stuff. At night maybe set up the apartment a bit.
Sunday grab more stuff.
Hopefully then throughout the rest of the week we slowly grab anything that is leftover.
That is the plan but weather or other people's plans can throw a wrench in my agenda. Hopefully things will work out the way I envision them. And I hope no one overextends themselves.
I just want it to be a week from today so everything will be over with and done.
Stress will be done and we will be looking forward to December 13th and find out if we have a Liam or a Lucy.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

He covered himself in mud to mask his body temperature.

So last night I watched the Robert Rodrigiez produced Predators

AND IT WAS FUCKING RAD.
I wasn't expecting much since the Aliens VS. Predator debacle but throw that thought right out your pretty little head. It is nothing like that shit-fest.
Ok I'll be the first to say it, Adrien Brody channeling The Dark Knight gravely voice was a bit grating but other than that, this was a spot on sequel to the original that spawned two governors and Carl Weathers.
Danny Trejo was sweet in it though small screen time as I think he was working on Machete' at the same time.
Topher Grace is really out of place at first but there is more to it other than levity. The Spetnaz soldier was pretty good and nice throwback to the look of the original crew.
One of the most beautiful scenes was the Yakuza warrior facing off against one of the Predators in a field with tall grass. It was gorgeous and perfect.
I don't think this movie could have been executed any better.

On the flipside of the movie coin was Night of The Demons which I learned later was a remake and not a very good one.

The special effects were really entertaining. Edward Furlong sure put on some pounds and I really doubt it was for this movie, doesn't strike me as that type of actor. And I was sad to see that Monica Keena had lost a lot of her curves since I saw her last in Freddy VS. Jason.

Basically it's a supernatural attacking a group and they need to hold out till morning, which we have seen done so much better in Feast, From Dusk Til Dawn and hell even Tales From The Crypt's Demon Knight. Its kind of cheesy and has some questionably funny moments like a girl getting getting fucked by her boyfriend then he turns into a demon and sticks his apparently gigantic demon dick in her ass and turns her into a demon in the process.
Its one of those movies to watch with beers and friends.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Your entrance was good, his was better...

Wow, one of the worst movies is on tv "Batman Forever". I once heard that if you pretend that its an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical without the music then it makes sense but I like to think that Joel Schumacher is just a ghost director because the studio didn't want to admit they let Lloyd Kaufman direct a movie with that big of a budget. Poor Val Kilmer, such a great talent wasted on such an awful script.
Not next friday but the one after I should be mostly moved into my new apartment. I am so excited.
Maybe not the lifting and carrying part but the having my own place part, well it won't be my own, I'll be sharing it with Suzy but she won't be able to get her stuff in for about another month or so.
Mostly it will be her staying over some nights until she gets time and more help moving the majority of her stuff. Plus she has to get money for the cat deposit.

Despite being in the middle of a 9 day work week I'm in a pretty good mood. Very worn out and am absolutely looking forward to Thanksgiving but not nearly as pissy as I had been in the previous weeks. Dunno if its the combination of starting to take Vitamin D supplements since I don't get enough or its my taking use of Anna's "3 happy things" that has been helping. Probably a little bit of both maybe as well as mind over matter. Either way it feels so much better not getting pissed off at every tiny thing.

After the apartment the next big milestone is finding out if the baby is an innie or an outtie. We find that out on December 13th at 3pm.

Still slowly looking for another better paying job but who knows if it will happen anytime soon. Most likely no. Not around here.
BUT (fingers crossed) Emily wants to open a tattoo shop in a few years, probably about the time Suzy would be willing to move somewhere and Em would want me to be shop manager. Can someone say "rad sauce"?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, My Brother the Failure...

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, I know this, glad I invested in plexiglass along time ago.
I'm not going to drag out my brother's old or current dirty laundry that doesn't pertain to me as much as possible but right now I am very angry with him and don't know what exactly to do because he is a sociopath and doesn't really care how he makes other people feel.
Back story, as a lot of people know, in May I moved back down to Wisconsin to stay at my mom's "temporarily" to save some cash to head out to San Diego. Along the way I got hooked on a girl and have a kid on the way so it became a bit more than temporary right now.
Around this time my brother was kicked out of the Army for reasons I will not go into, but being a good brother I helped my mom's boyfriend and drove out in one straight shot to help move him back to Wisconsin.
That meant he was ALSO going to be staying at my mom's.
My mom and I drew up a contract for him to sign as conditions for living in the house.
Once of the conditions was "respecting other people's property and space" since my brother has a knack or compulsion depending on how you look at it, for appropriating (read: stealing other peoples stuff).
First some of my medication went missing, medication that I need to function on a daily basis. He swore up and down it wasn't him. He took drug tests, though home drug tests do not test for prescription drugs.
Then more went missing and finally he admitted he took some but " not the first time".
That was the last straw for me, I couldn't live under the same roof as him anymore. So Suzy and John Michael let me stay with them.
Now I have an apartment that I am moving into in December so tonight after work I went to my mom's to get some things ready to move since I will be working starting tuesday for the next 9 days straight.
When I got there my former room was a pig sty. NOT how I left it.
As I was getting my stuff together I noticed that a jar of change I had hidden was EMPTY.
Not only that my stuff had been rifled through and a few things are missing that I can't quite put my finger on.
I don't know what to do.
Should I get the police involved once I take inventory of what is missing?
I texted him about it and no response.
I'm at my wit's end.
There are many many more things that make me want to complain about him but these are family things and not for everyone to know about.
At least he is out of my mom's house but stealing my stuff along the way, what can I do about it?
Am I being too materialistic?
I do take very very good care of the things I own and I am a collector. Maybe this is one of the lesson in life I'm suppose to learn, to let things go. That THINGS aren't worth getting upset about.
But I feel its more the principle that I'm being disrespected by my boundaries constantly being broken.
I'm about as close to disowning him as family as I can get.
What the fuck am I to do?

By the way, if I have my mythology correct, my current job is basically being Sisyphus, the man who is forever pushing a boulder up a hill and yet getting no where. No matter how many cars I clean, there are always more and this nine days I'll end up cleaning the same cars over and over again. Its kind of ridiculous. I wish I was making a difference with my job. At least at the movie theaters, I was in some small way adding to the enjoyment of someone's day.
I guess having those clean cars help people get from point A to point B but somehow that is less than comforting.
I suppose I'll keep looking for that job that makes me feel like I'm doing something important even if its only me that feels that way.
16 days til new apartment. HOORAY!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Too many payments, not enough pay...

I really don't know how I'm gonna afford to live with this current job. I really need to be making more money.
Here is what I have to pay for:
Car Payment,
Car Insurance,
Food,
Phone payment,
Rent,
Gas,
in a month i'll have to start paying internet.
plus I get 50 dollars taken out of my meager paycheck for health insurance.
And this is before the baby.

I should be getting a small amount of money at the end of the year which will go to finishing off my car payments and probably rent. Its not gonna last long even though I wish it would.
Then I'll get a tiny tax return.
I'm applying for better paying jobs like mad, but no luck so far.
I've had to resort to asking my mom for help and I HATE doing that. Its the last thing I wanna do.

If only I had a job after the cinema in Minneapolis, then I would still have a bunch of money left but it all went to paying rent and my phone bill.
Well that and taking a trip to Australia but in the scheme of things that was actually really inexpensive, especially compared to the experience.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I've gotta get lucky in a better paying job department.
Fingers crossed.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Hot Mess of Anxiety is a Hell of a Thing...

You know how some blogs start out with a SPOILER alert warning, well this one is gonna have a COMPLAINING alert on it. So if you have enough problems in your own life and could give two shits less about anyone else's "woe is me" type blogs then I'm fine if you stop reading or skip the middle paragraph, i know all about not wanting to deal with anyone else's drama. I'm not looking for anyone to coddle me or anything either, I don't need anything from anyone I just need to vent.
Here goes:

My agoraphobia and panic attacks and anxiety has been ramping up to near unbearable proportions. I don't know what is causing it to get so bad. Maybe worry about being a dad, maybe hearing about the epic drama surrounding my family( all that they bring on themselves) that i try to avoid but still somehow get dragged into. God I feel bad for my nephew. Maybe its my I.B.S. and my body is finally sick of dealing with it.
I don't know, all I do know is that its so hard to even leave the house. Even after I take my medication I'm still a ball of nerves and all I wanna do is crawl under the covers and hide.
I don't want that.
I wanna be going out at the drop of a hat, I don't want to have to miss out of things in my kids life because I'm paralyzed by fear.
It's really hard for people who haven't had to deal with it to understand what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
The best thing I can do to relate it is to ask that you imagine a time when you were so scared you were literally going to die and you had no control. The adrenaline rush, the feeling that your stomach and intestines were gonna fall out your ass, you couldn't breathe, maybe you thought you were gonna pass out.
Ok so take that feeling multiply it times about 75 and its close to what I feel most days.
And thats after taking medication, maybe the Xanax and klonopin combo isn't helping. I don't know.
I'm looking into Cognative Behavioral Therapy groups, hopefully one that can fit into my work schedule. I'm kind of at my wits end with this, I snap at people who don't deserve it because I'm suffering. And the worst part is it comes out of no where, it just starts and then I feel bad that I'm freaking out over nothing when people have real problems where they would be justified in feeling the way I do.
Some might suggest that my diet is upsetting my IBS. Who knows, I cut out all caffeine, I rarely eat any red meat. I've cut out most all alcohol, i haven't drank since the beginning of september i think and that wasn't more than two drinks. I haven't been able to eat much anyway. I wish I could alter my diet to get closer to vegetarian but I think it would reek havoc on my digestive tract even more until it gets use to the change. Unfortunately I don't have the time to wait out that craziness that I know will ensue. Its really hard to say, I have been keeping track of what makes everything worse and then cutting those things out, while slowly adding in things like spinach and carrots but I'm not seeing any positive differences.
I just want to be normal. I want to be able to go places and not be scared and want to escape or freak out if a bathroom is occupied even if I really don't need to use it, just seeing that I CANT use it makes me afraid that I'll have to before its open.
Its so hard to even go to work. I get anxiety every time I eat lunch then work. I think I've lost some weight from the anxiety and not being able to eat when i want to like I use to when I was in MPLS.
RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I'm just a whole mess of crazy. My poor kid and Suzy having to deal with me is gotta be hell.

OK RANT OVER.
In better news Suzy and I just looked at an apartment and we really like it. Its in Sun Prairie. Suzy won't be able to move in right away but I would be moving in about december 1st. My mom is gonna be a godsend and help out with rent for Suzy's half until she is able to move in/get out of her lease, hopefully John Michael can find someone to take Suzy's half of the lease very soon but that is up to him.
I've had a few interviews for jobs but nothing has panned out thus far, so kinda disheartening, I would love to be making more money but you never know, something good might magically come my way, nepotism seems to be how you get the best jobs. Not that you are actually qualified or not for them.
It will be nice not to live downtown Madison. The parking situation is awful here and we never take advantage of any of the perks of being down here right now, namely the party atmosphere.
I just wanna have a comfortable apartment that can be a sanctuary.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Devil's night movie marathon.

So I failed in my attempt to watch one horror movie a day for the entire month of October.
I did watch some horror movies I haven't seen before, even a couple gems.
Last night The Hammer Films version of Revenge of Frankenstein was on. I love Peter Cushing's take on the character of Dr. Frankenstein.
Also last night I got Suzy to watch a horror movie with me, Poltergeist. Its probably one of the only horror movies she doesn't actually get scared by I think.
Tonight I'm gonna watch the full cut of Grindhouse on blu-ray WITH the fake trailers inbetween.
Maybe after I'll work on watching something interesting on Netflix instant.
Screw going to "freakfest on state street" tonight.
Right now I'm flipping between Halloween:H20 and Hills Have Eyes(remake), not much else on tv.
Tomorrow night its the traditional showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I might have found an apartment, gonna go take a look at it sometime soon, 2 bedroom and its available in january. It'll be cold moving but better to get it out of the way and then I can walk around my own place naked whenever I please. Believe me, that is a really enjoyable part of not having a roommate that doesn't see you naked anyway.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Halloween Horror fest make me happy and cloudy cold days don't.

I've been in a crappy mood lately (like this is something new?)
October is one of my favorite times of years simply because every channel pulls out the horror movies some that I haven't seen yet "They"

As well as some of the ones I love: Night of the Living Dead, They Live, The Shining etc...
But I've been a bit salty, I think slightly because I don't get to share this love with my lady faire. She doesn't like gory or creepy movies. Actually she doesn't really like many of the movies that I like, in her words " my taste in movies is STRANGE".
Its too bad.
Enjoying the more offbeat movies is seen as a bad thing.
I don't really dig fall because it brings me that much closer to winter but October horrorfests is the one shining beacon in an ever greying season. Having differences in taste isn't always a bad thing but when we don't really get to spend alot of time together it kinda sucks not getting to share the things I like with her. I'll have to cancel my christmas movie traditions for spending christmas doing her family traditions which I have no problem with per se but I'm not a christmas holly jolly guy, i prefer my celebrating to be with gremlins on tv and maybe a glass of whiskey and ginger ale so I'm going to be forgoing that for family christmases, plural. It would be a bit nice to share my traditions with her. Even if I would have to choose slightly less gory additions to my horrorfest.

Some days my mind doesn't let me ignore the differences and thats what gets me all pissy. I wish she would start to adopt my interests. But thats because I'm selfish and I think I have awesome interests. Not everyone would agree. Thats the selfishness I need to work on. Probably doesn't help that I really don't have any friends who are around when I am that share in the same things I enjoy.
Probably too bad that what I really enjoy is sitting at home and watch movies and play video games.

So there is another whiney thing rattling around in my brain.
On much happier notes the baby is coming along, only a few more weeks and we get to finally settle on the name.
Either we will be having a Liam Westerberg Kenworthy or a Lucia Phair Kenworthy. I'm so excited to find out. I hate waiting. I am impatient for stuff like this, which is why I never wait until birthdays and christmases to give presents.
Also tomorrow I get to go pick up my copy of Smackdown vs Raw 2011, another yearly tradition of mine. Alot of people have learned that I have watch wrestling sometimes, usually there is nothing else on when I do. I've been watching it since I was a little kid and it has always kind of been a guilty pleasure, soap opera for guys but the video games I never cared if people knew that I played them as they are alot of fun and actually keep my attention for 7 or 8 months without getting bored unlike alot of games including the Grand Theft Auto series.
I'm really hoping I hear back soon from one of the couple jobs I applied for that pay a decent wage so I can look for an apartment. Maybe somewhere in DeForest, Sun Prairie, Waunakee or somewhere close in that is affordable.
So let that sun come out so I can put my hold my crappy mood at bay.
Fingers crossed.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Looks like your hospital ran out of patients, Frank!


Oh indie horror. Could be very very good or very very bad. So far by casting I'm leaning towards good.
Christopher Meloni(Law and Order SVU fame)
Chris Pine (Capt Kirk from the JJ Abrams' Star Trek)
Piper Peribo
Those are some pretty good for a start.
This seems to be one of those "in the midst of a virus apocalypse" horror stories.
Kind of like The Stand mixed with I Know What You Did Last Summer and a small amount of The Road Warrior but not set in the future and a little bit of 28 days later, all wrapped up in a road movie. Oh yea, throw in a smattering of The Crazies remake.
Thats a whole smorgasbord of human fear cliches.
There are even a group of rednecks in a suped up truck hunting down people on the road.
So far from what I've seen all this is blended very nicely and not too heavy handedly either. Even borrowing some familiar themes that we saw after the hurricane Katrina disaster to make it seem more plausible.
Thus far I dig it.

I've come to the realization that I'm getting sick of the theme of people vs. people in dire situations in horror movies, I want to see them face the supernatural or monsters not eachother when times are tough. I can turn on the news and see that every day. I wanna escape the real world when i watch movies.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I love watching couples sleep....

Tonight I chose to make today a two-fer in the horror movie department. This time I went with indie phenomenon known as:


It plays out almost like a psuedo spooky version of the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape for the first 20 minutes, then it treads into this domestic Blair Witch area with people getting annoyed with a camera pointed in their face.
I'm about halfway into the movie so I don't know exactly what else is gonna happen next but I've gotten semi spoilers from people seeing as how I waited so long to see it. I don't find it scary but maybe if I would have seen it in the theater I might actually have jumped at some of these parts. Meh... at least its a nice break from the gorefest movies I usually enjoy.
And being me, I've gotta say it, since anyone who has seen it probably said too... "damn that girl has some big boobs" well maybe not huge but big for her body. But that is neither here nor there, just an observation.
This movie would freak me the fuck out if this stuff actually happened to me, not watching it.
I am pretty interested already as to what the sequel might be like.
I'm gonna take a wild guess that the girl has some split personality or something that explains the "paranormal activities"

In personal news: I didn't get the job at MadCat. I had to call them to be denied, they didn't feel it worth the effort to call me and let me know. I'm totally disappointed that i missed out on a good paying job where I could show some real personality and not be a corporate fake person just to collect a paycheck. Hopefully I can find something where I'm happy to go to work everyday(or most days atleast) and then a decent paycheck would be a bonus.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"You're ignorant Johnny..."

So today without trying I accomplished my horror movie of the day, which i've been majorly slacking lately. I turned on the tv when i woke up and they were showing:

Personally I prefer my version of the movie, granted the version I have is in color, but it has a rifftrax commentary track that makes many many Wisconsin jokes along the way. If you don't know what rifftrax are, its basically Mystery Science Theater 3000 but just in a commentary track. It makes the movie so much more fun especially since I've seen NOTLD so many times already.

Anyway, point being, I love this movie so I can cross off today for my horror movie of the day.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wish I had something a bit bloodier but..

Tonight's movie is:


I'm in a terrible mood from work and I really wish I could watch a bloodier, grisly movie, but I'll settle for this movie. I've heard its kinda bloody atleast for a more mainstream movie directed by John Landis.

I haven't really been a huge monster movie fan, here and there I dig em like "Ginger Snaps".
I surprisingly haven't seen it. Well I guess tonight I will.
So there you go, my movie for the night.

As far as my day goes, my anxiety has been through the fucking roof and its getting a bit ridiculous. I'm totally sick of feeling this way but nothing I can really do about it. I really really really need a better paying job so I can find an apartment of my own. Well one that Suzy can move into when she wants to.
As much as I really want to move to San Diego to get away from the harsh winters here in the midwest, I think I'd rather find a way to move back to Minneapolis. The longer I'm gone the more I miss it and all my friends from there. It would be close enough for my mom and Suzy's parents to visit or for us to visit them if we lived up there. I would just need to find meaningful employment up there. Though with the new baby there wouldn't be much time for hanging out with friends like I use to unless they were felt like hanging out around the house with me or something. Not that any of this would really lessen my anxiety attacks but still.
Enough bitching.
On with the movie.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

HorrorShow attitude but no horror movie...

I haven't had time in the past few days to watch a horror movie.
I've been fucking stressed out with my car janitor job. Its been a huge pain in the ass. So when I get home from work I don't even have the energy to pick something to watch. Maybe I'll have some gusto tomorrow.
Plus I've been getting up early the past two days, yesterday for an interview for a rad job (fingers crossed i get it) at a pet supply store and not one of those chain ones like Ani-mart. It would be a decent pay increase and I'm guessing a much better work enviornment and less stressful.
Less stress is what I really really need right now. The impending fatherhood, work and money issues, car payments etc... have really taken a toll on my body, my anxiety is sky high which causes flair ups in my IBS something fierce and so on and so forth.
I really am looking for a workplace that not only pays decent but really feels like a place I want to go to everyday. I had that at the old theaters I worked at but none of the cinemas around here are hiring. So unless I get lucky with Madcat, the search continues...

Bright spot, I got to see my kid today. We even got pictures. The baby seems to be growing well. From the pictures, Suzy says the kids got my chin. I sure hope its a boy because I'd hate for our daughter to look like Sara Jessica Parker. EGADS!!!!!!!!!
I had the most giant grin come across my face when I saw that little peapod pop up on the screen. I felt pretty awesome to see him/her for the first time. Eight more weeks and we get to know if its gonna be an innie or an outtie.

So that is where my mind has been. I'll try and find a good horror movie to either recommend or rip apart in the next blog(i hope)

P.S. too bad i missed the zombie pub crawl. Not so much the drinking part but the dressing up and hanging out would have been fun, even if I would have had to wade my way through a sea of douchebags.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Horror Documentary.....


Today's film is not a real horror film, instead its a retrospective or maybe better described as a dissection of america's horror fascination and evolution of american scary cinema

It covers everything from Thomas Edison's studio early 1900's adaptation of Frankenstein which was a commercial flop all the way on.
Some of the greatest horror directors ruminate on everything from the idea of fear in reality permeating the silver screen to Lon Cheney Jr's bringing a sadness to the Wolfman character.

I wrote a paper on this very thesis, that of the different eras of horror cinema that were influenced about what was going on in the world around us. Everything from the Atomic age and Red Scare to Xenophobia that has made its way into films today.

I love this part in the documentary where George Romero is pointing out how in the original "The Thing" they are constantly opening doors and then finally when you are so use to seeing people opening doors and then BAM the there is the THING!!!!!!!.

I have a special place in my heart for the Atomic age of horror films or maybe some might consider them Sci Fi films but movie like "THEM!" and Invasion of the Body Snatchers and It Came From Outerspace.
They are cheesy but so much fun to watch without having to be full of gore.

I'm enjoying that they even mention the Hammer films. And they go on to show how Vietnam influenced the horror genre, which I think really was the birth of the great special effects since the we were seeing real gore on the television every night hosted by "Uncle Walter" . From them on we really got some point of reference to what human gore looked like and then we see the rise of Tom Savini and others trying to replicate it. Another very interesting aspect.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul

Gotta give a thanks to Rock n Roll Ray for turning me on to Coffin Joe. This is gonna be a fun movie to watch.
So tonight's movie is:





"At midnight I'll take your soul"
Its an old school black and white movie in Portuguese with english subtitles.
Sometimes these are fun to watch, a much different experience than the normal horror films.
It even starts out with a warning from an old creepy gypsy-esque woman holding a skull.
Now its time to enjoy

I didn't pick it, it picked me...

So I didn't really put a horror movie on tonight, I played Madden 11 when I got home tonight after spending some time with Suzy.
After I got done playing video games, I turned on the cable and what just happened to be on????



Thats right, Flat-muthafuckin-liners.
Its not totally a horror movie in the strictest of the word but it is scary as fuck, your bad deeds from the past literally coming back to haunt you and kick your ass. Plus the theme of trying to see how long you can stay dead and then come back, thus making themselves by proxy zombies. Ok i'm reaching on that one but still this is one of the movies that creeped me the fuck out as a kid and still does and it counts because I haven't seen this movie in a long time. Plus it's a great jumping off point for "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon"
Oh Billy Baldwin you are sooooo dreamy. sadly he is prettier in this movie than Julia Roberts, hell the same can be said for Oliver Platt too... another reason to make this movie creepy but on an absolutely different level.
For once and only time in my life i will utter the following words: "thank you Lifetime channel"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

For tonight's viewing pleasure...

So I feel like an asshole for trying to have a "serious" discussion about the realities of our upcoming life and all it did was piss off my fiancee'. Also in the midst of the convo I made the immense mistake that every guy makes at one point in a newish relationship... I called my current lady a former girlfriend's name. Atleast it wasn't during sex or anything but she was saying the same things that I heard a million times before in a previous relationship and I couldn't take hearing it, and as I went to say "Suzy stop it" the former's name replaced "Suzy". I never say things the way I mean them. Which is why I rarely say whats on my mind since it comes out wrong. So fuck it, i'm an asshole.
Now some escapism.


Suspiria
Starring the very young Jessica Harper who some might recognize from the not so great psuedo sequel to Rocky Horror Picture Show called " Shock Treatment" where she took over the role of Janet Weiss or the cameo role as the model that the Joker turns into a grinning joker zombie thing in Tim Burton's "Batman.
This is one of the horror classics that I've never seen before. I just never got too much into italian horror. So I'm gonna give it a try.

The movie of the night almost was "Let Sleeping Corpses Lie"

but I've seen it under the alternate title "The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue"

so I turned to Suspiria thinking that I need to see something I've yet to watch.
We'll see if I'm converted to a Dario Argento fan, though the character Juno in the titular movie talking it up made me avoid it like the plague as well.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I Have a Feeling This One Is Gonna....


...Suck.
This is the horror movie for the night. I heard about this when I went to to go see a movie in the theater. No it wasn't released in the theaters(not as far as I know of anyway) but they had a huge standee for this movie advertising that it as "Look for it on DVD"
Basically its a rock n roll vampire movie, that may be the best way to describe it.
By the way a little bit of trivia for you, I hate vampire movies save for "Fright Night" and "From Dusk Til Dawn"
But any movie that has Malcolm McDowell, Alice Cooper billed as an "evil bartender", Moby and Henry Rollins all in one movie, its worth taking a peak atleast.
Score, I just saw Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall fame during the opening sequence where this terrible band is playing. They sound like a horrible horrible Dandy Warhols rip off and this vampire with terrible vampire makeup is walking up and starts chatting up the female bassist, wow I can guess what might happen next.
I think Alice Cooper looks scarier in this movie with saggy skin and the Nikki Sixx hairdo.
Uh oh this band tours in a hearse thats gonna be creepy.
Great line " I'm not sleeping in the hearse, its smells like drummer" Sick burn.

OH NO! The vampire is now singing terrible butt-rock as a way of seducing this girl and it seems to be working as the camera does this still shot on the vampire then cut to the bassist chick while the rest of the room spins. WOW creepy.
OK I'm only 10 minutes into this movie... I'm gonna watch the rest now but it reeks of trying far too hard to be a cult movie.
Damnit, it just lost points, they did an Abbey Road cover rip off shot. Beatles reference minus 50 points.
Hope this makes you wanna watch it on your own. I bet this might actually be decent if there were beers and other people involved to make your own Mystery Science Theater 3000-esque commentary.
Oh well, bassist female just showed up pale and vamped out. SPOOKY, not really.
YES Malcolm McDowell with an eyepatch. plus 5 points
*update* just saw an homage to Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A. cover art.


I'm sure there will be more...

Moby has been spotted fronting a metal band and he is looking very Rob Halford-ish surrounded by meat as in steaks and such, not cock-meat which what would really be surrounding Rob.

Alex Lifeson was also in it. And I finally suffered through it and it was awful.
It was bloody but not scary, one of those god awful comedy with horror elements that is winking far too often at the audience, like what Scream did but on crack but not as horribly as Scary Movie did.

Final Summation: watch while getting drunk in a room full of friends and it might be passable.

Thanks Netflix Instant...

Temporarily Out of Service

I was planning on watching American Werewolf in London for my movie of the night but thanks to instant netflix I couldn't because it wasn't working.
So maybe I'll try again tonight or maybe it will be a different movie entirely. I just don't wanna watch something I've seen before or have seen somewhat recently.

stay tuned

Saturday, October 2, 2010

October horror movie days

I'm going to try and watch one horror movie a day during the month of October.

I missed starting last night so tonight was a double feature starting with:


Return of the Living Dead 2.
This movie had two of the main actors from the first Return of the Living Dead but as different characters, kinda wierd.

Not to mention it had the girl from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Basically I was in for great acting all around. The zombies looked worse( and i don't mean that as a compliment) than the zombies in the first one. I guess it wasn't suppose to be a sequel to ROTLD but the studio would only fund it if it was a continuation of the series. You get what you pay for. I kinda dug it but nowhere near as fun as the original.

Second on the agenda for the night was The Evil Dead.


I've seen this movie about 30 times and it always gets better even though might as well watch The Evil Dead Two: dead by dawn since that is a mix of a remake and added story elements like Ash getting cockier.
Still The Evil Dead is great. And even though I've seen it tons of times Bruce Campbell's chin always amazes me as how big it is. He has grown into it since then but its kind of shocking every first shot of him in the backseat of the car.
I love looking for the Hills Have Eyes poster in the basement of the cabin in an homage to Wes Craven, also look for a Freddy Krueger-eque glove in the shed in Evil Dead 2.

Not sure what will be on the view after work tomorrow.
Maybe Dance of the Dead or The Signal.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Where do I belong?

I'm kind of a man without a country right now.
Don't belong at my mom's place, thanks to my brother and way too much drama that is involved surrounding him and my mom.
So now I'm staying at my fiancee's place but I feel like I am not suppose to be here, i feel like her roommate is allowing me to stay because he thinks he has to. Which he doesn't. He has every right to say that its not cool if I crash here.
So I'm kind of blowing in the wind.
I've got a shittastic job that pays 8 bucks an hour though its full time so I can't afford a place of my own right now.
I need to get it figured out soon. I want to have a place to be comfortable by february so when the baby comes I'll be settled in and my fiancee' and I won't have to move after the baby comes.
The San Diego move has been postponed because of the recent developments so who knows what thats gonna happen. All I know is Wisconsin feels like purgatory, atleast in the sense of the actual living here part after life in Minneapolis.
Growing up I always wanted to get the fuck away from Wisconsin, then I did, then I lost my job and couldn't find anything to work so I had to move back and I thought it would be for long enough to save up some money to get the fuck outta here. ( i don't regret why I'm gonna be here longer)
Hopefully once the eggplant gets to a year old we can say fuck it and finally get out of this deadzone called the midwest.
I got alot of shit to work out.
Oh yea, FUCK WINTER, its not even here yet but it can fuck off proper.
Enough pissing and moaning.
Went to see Gaslight Anthem last week and it was super rad. Getting to go see Valient Thorr on Friday. So that should be a nice way to unwind.

P.S. As much as I bitch about living in Wisconsin, I am so happy to be with my fiancee' especially that she has the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy, all i have to do is make the armpit farting noise and she cracks up. I can't wait for her to be done with school so we should be able to get to spend time together without her being totally wiped of energy. It will be so nice to have time to spend together other than the hour between when i get home from work and when she goes to bed.
I'm also super excited for my kid to get here, I am absolutely looking forward to him/her to arrive I am even fine with diaper changing, atleast I hope so. Its gonna be a fun,scary interesting ride I'm about to embark on.

Friday, September 24, 2010

My big virtual mouth

So I didn't think anyone read this thing except Suzy and maybe two other friends.
I guess I was wrong.
Well I suppose a sorry is in order for not breaking such big news to everyone in my family individually.
I tend to get over-excited and like to give people mass updates since I'm not a phone person.
Sorry about that.
At least I didn't twitter it so it made for better reading than being limited to 160 characters.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Ok So Fuck It... Finally Breaking News...

I think all the essential players have been notified at this point. This is for anyone that is important but has been kept in the dark for any number of reasons.

Suzy and I are having a baby.
We are about 7 weeks pregnant.
I've been really nervous/excited/worried/happy about it all.
There is so much growing up that I need to do. I'm doing my best but I still am slightly in my selfish state of mind, a way of thinking that I need to fully abandon oh so quickly.
I'm trying, I really am, but I'm finding it very hard to be a real adult.
Its really scary to think that soon I'm gonna have someone who will ALWAYS be dependent on me to do things for them. Hell, I'm still dependent on my mom.
I mean I work a job as basically a "car janitor". Instead of cleaning toilets I clean cars. And I haven't been paid this low since I was in high school.
Feels like I'm gonna fail at supporting a little one.
Please don't say something about having a college degree equals better paying job opportunities because almost everyone I know who has a college degree is making about as much as I am at a job that ISN'T what they went to school for. So I don't buy that line of thinking, I just don't have a mountain of debt while working this low paying job.
I'm also very worried that there is going to be something wrong with the child, health or development-wise. Mostly because my sense of humor tends to skew towards the sick and morbid. I laugh at things that I know aren't suppose to be funny, so I'm actually really afraid that karma is gonna come back and bite me big time by giving my child flippers instead of normal arms or some huge disability as a big cosmic "fuck you" for making light of things that don't warrant it. Might be a tad irrational in my reasoning for being worried but to me its a legit concern.

I am extremely excited because I've wanted to have a child for years now and I think if besides financial constraints, I'm probably at my peak age for being the best parent I'm gonna ever be. I've done my partying and stuff so I won't feel jaded that I missed out on some part of my life and I am not too old that I won't be able to connect with my child because the age gap is too much.
Plus I have amassed such a large array of useful and useless knowledge that my child will know a lot of random information. I know Suzy gets bored hearing it, so hopefully the child will eat it up.

Its gonna be great to teach my kid what good music is. I don't think I will allow the radio in my house since Clear Channel poisons everyone with the same 40 songs ad nauseum and MTV doesn't really play music anymore, I will (hopefully) end up being the one to influence my child's musical tastes. I want my child to be the only kindergartener to know the words to Jimmy Cliff and NoFx songs better than "the wheels on the bus". That would make me such a proud papa.
The diapers and puke stuff scares me since I have a quick gag reflex for gross stuff but I think that I will get use to it or at the very least be able to tolerate it until no more need for diapers and the kid knows to puke in the toilet when he/she is sick.

Personally I am hoping for a boy, simply because I know what its like to be a boy and there isn't a "princess phase", well might be depending either way I guess. There isn't a slutty clothes phase with boys either and you don't have to worry about boys getting knocked up and then getting ditched. There is just more of a propensity towards violence with boys, kids fighting, bullying etc... since our society tends to reenforce that Violence=Masculinity. That will be a tough current to swim against but one I am willing to do.
Its not that I would be disappointed if we have a girl in any way, its just a different set of challenges, some that I am ill-equipped to handle.
One thing either way I know I have to do is teach my child a good work ethic, thats something I never really learned and it probably explains a lot of the bad stuff in my life. So chores/helping around the house will be a big thing very early in life. If that sticks it will translate to a better shot at doing well in school and beyond.
Side note: hopefully math comes easy to our child because I for one, am terrible at anything past basic third grade math, everything after I get lost.
So yeah...
Anyway.
If everything goes right and the child stays in the oven until fully cooked, come April or so I am gonna be a papa.

UPDATE 9-22-10: The due date has been forecast for April 24th. 7 months and two days if the doctor is more accurate than the weatherman.
If its a boy I'm on a major campaign for the name to be Nesta Westerberg Kenworthy. I'm getting some hella resistance on this front though.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sometimes I'm a fucking prick...

Update: I've been in a shitty mood lately and I can't explain why exactly. I'm getting annoyed for no real reason. I'm snapping at people. I think I'm just bored. Work isn't boring, more annoying but there is nothing really to do around here to do. I don't have the money to spend on new video games to keep me occupied or not too many new concerts around here that aren't super expensive or fall on nights I have to work.
Thinking about it, maybe I'm just homesick for MPLS still. I don't have anyone to blame or anything, I just miss living somewhere when there are many many options every day to go out and do something. Even if I don't actually go and do those things, I had the choice to go do something. Plus I've seen the sights here so many times over, whereas in MPLS lots of things seemed new.
I think thats what I was looking for going to San Diego but being here in limbo is frustrating.
Its no one's fault or anything, I'm just horrible at having patience, I wanna do things now and get them started so all that energy is pent up and I'm getting snappy and ornery.
Gotta find a way to vent out this energy because work isn't cutting it, instead its almost making it work.
Maybe I'll guess the right lottery numbers and then I'll have the financial freedom to do and go where I really want to be.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Enough to drive a sane man crazy

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.
Its been scary.
Things are all good right now but I've been super fucking stressed out.
Its tough not losing my mind when shit like this creeps up.
I just hope this is the last of it for a while.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

That's what rearview mirrors are for.

I dented the bumper of a car today at work. I feel like a total moron.
I was fueling up a vehicle and when i was done I tried, well i succeeded in backing up but i back right up into a cement light pole. It made a great big dent and scratched up the bumper some too. Super fucking dumb.
So my supervisors had me go get a drug and breathalyzer test. Good thing I'm not a partier.
Not sure what is gonna happen about my job.
I know accidents happen but I should have been paying more attention but all I can do is accept whatever happens.

Monday, August 30, 2010

just call me "johnny paycheck"

New job. Fucking rad.
I'm worn out from getting up earlier than i'm use to.
Spent the morning doing paper work then on to cleaning cars. Its not hard, usually get a car down every half hour or so.
It will be nice when I go to my regular 2nd shift of 2 to 10pm. Can't wait for my insurance to kick in too.

Things are going great with Suzy. Also my mom said she would float me a loan once I got a full time job so I can get a new car, I'm sick of driving the truck. It is about at that point where it will start to nickel and dime me to death so its a perfect time to get a 4 door.

Life is definately getting better.
Looks like everything is coming up Milhouse

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Life part 2

Like i was saying before, I'm a little freaked out.
Or to quote Motion City Soundtrack " the future freaks me out", this is really ridiculous that I cannot find a suitable job. I just want a job that pays decent and isn't too demeaning. I'm pretty surprised that I've had no real hits on any of my resume'. I've even tried calling these places back, I just get the same run around " we're still looking at applications". I go in conservative, hidden tattoos, polite and all that jazz but so far.... fuck all.
I've tried not being as picky as I would like to be in choosing where I apply but its not helping. If only the bar would give me more hours it would float me along enough to save money and pay for insurance.
So I've got that on my mind.

Not to mention the desire to move but again no cash, no move. Then we have the Wedding which I know isn't for a while but saving for that would be nice too and not have to feel like a deadbeat while my fiancee works TWO jobs and I have none. Wish I woulda had a server job in high school so I could use that on my resume'. Every place wants an EXPERIENCED server, no time to train I guess.

So I got alot on my mind at the moment. Suzy is doing her best to make it easy on me but its still frustrating and nerve-racking trying to get my shit together.

Waiting is the worst part.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Life....

A little freaked out.

Might have to grow up fast.

Might be much ado about nothing...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Oh lord, I hate being stuck in Lodi again....

I miss living in Minneapolis.
Moreover I miss living in Minneapolis in the summertime. Yes, I am happy I don't have to be paying rent right now since I don't have a steady income to support an apartment. This is the nice part of being back in Lodi but I am so bored. Nothing to do around here. Its got pretty scenery sure, but that doesn't keep my attention for very long. Not that I left my apartment alot towards the end of my tenure in MPLS but that was more due to trying to save money and well it was the end of winter and springtime I spent most of my time getting ready to move or visiting my, at the time future, fiancee'.
I spend far too much of my time in my room playing video games or watching TV. I don't really even watch movies anymore because there isn't anyone to watch them with and the television in the living room here sucks and plays up the music more than the dialogue so watching movies out there is useless. AND I LOVE WATCHING MOVIES, mostly with people who haven't already seen or already love the movies I like to watch. Its more fun. Watching them alone after I've seen them a thousand times already isn't as fun. I miss holding movie night in my apartment where everyone hung out and shot the shit. I didn't even mind cleaning up afterwards.
Even Madison is boring.
There is only so much you can do.
Bars sure, its Wisconsin for god's sake but I'm sick of drinking right now and its a waste of cash. There is no scene ( that sounds stupid) and what I mean by that is there aren't and abundance of places where you can make new friends and acquaintances.
I miss the CC Club, Triple Rock Social Club, Hidden Beach, Lake Calhoun etc... places where you can meet like minded people. Yes i just mentioned a few bars but at the CC Club or the Triple Rock you don't need to be drinking to have a good time. All the Madison bars I have been to are too small to draw a crowd to meet anyone or they are college bars where the newly 21 are going to get shitfaced and aren't good company or you have the old drunks who are only interested in their beer. At the my fav MPLS bars you got to sit around and bullshit and have a good time while listening to good music and eat good greasy food. I miss the events like the Zombie pub crawl or the Doomtree Blowout at First Ave that made you feel a kinship to a large group in the city. Things like that make a place feel like "home".
As much as I hate the most flamboyant parts of the hipster crowd I wish there was a hipster crowd around here. Its so hypocritical I know but I much rather have to deal with the few fixie or tall bike riders who think they are better than everyone and get a diverse group of rad, like-minded people than have Nuevo-Deadheads, ringtone rap groupies or frat fucks that make up the majority of my age group around here. Of course you also have the Oxy freaks too which are aplenty but they usually stay in their drug dens so I can avoid them.
I miss my personal "Cheers" type places... you know... "where everybody knows your name and their always glad you came".
As much as there was always some sort of drama around my MPLS friends, I still loved being around them. They always had my back and I had theirs.
Here I only have my fiancee' who is fan-fucking-tastic and my buddy Adam and his fiancee' and my friend Jules but thats about it.
And I don't see any of them on a daily or semi-daily basis in some cases. Their jobs don't allow for spending alot of time together at the moment.
I've got drama though coming out the demon hole but that is more family drama, the worst kind.
I just really miss living in a big city where there is always something to do. Always somewhere to go, even if its just to walk around the neighborhood. Or its biking across town to see a local band.
The Madison basement show scene was shutdown years ago so its hard to see any good local bands, mostly just butt-rock bar bands. There are a few decent bands but they place so infrequently.
I loved getting to see D4 or In Defence play every few weeks or months.

I did hate the MPLS winters... parking restrictions... the job market... but it will not be any better here this winter.

Cannot wait to go to the San Diego area. Its big, there is a beach, roads and sidewalks aren't cracked and potholed from winter wear and tear so I'll be able to bike and longboard around all year long. There is a greater chance of finding new friends that hopefully will be comparable to my MPLS friends as far as having similar tastes in movies, music, or activities. Its never gonna be completely the same but I'm hoping that it is going to be full of new adventures and events like I had in MPLS, for better and for worse those memories were some of the best in my life and I wanna make new ones that are on par with the former.
Fingers crossed that I shall find work at a job that I don't hate and might actually really enjoy. I am going to be happy to be out there with Suzy, making new memories with her on the warm, beautiful west coast. We'll get to see Leif every once in a while too so thats a plus.
I am just hating being in this limbo point where I have no job, stuck in a small town, very few people to hang out with. Being here has actually INCREASED my level of anxiety, the last thing I thought it would do. The lack of great places to eat as well has made my stomach even worse as well.
I've realized I'm wired to be in a big city, I've been ruined by Minneapolis so now anything smaller just can't, just won't suffice anymore.

I could have spent the summer in Minneapolis, I could have, but I would have ran out of what little money I have left. I would have not gotten to see Suzy even remotely as much as I get to now. I was in a hurry to get to the next phase of my life, but its kind of ended up being a "hurry up and wait" situation. The only thing that makes it worth it is knowing I'm gonna get to get to the next phase with Suzy.
Otherwise I would be going fucking crazy here.
Well more so than I already am.
Hopefully I'll get some steady work to help pass the time I'm not with Suzy and allow me to save up to get the fuck outta here.
Just one more year... just one more year... just one more year...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Poison

Spent the last 4 days suffering from a allergic reaction from a mood stabilizer medication.
Woke up with a huge rash on my torso arms and head and feet but not really my legs for some reason.
It sucked.
It wasn't really all that itchy but it made me all extremely irritable and also made it hard to think. I was swollen in the lymph nodes and felt hot as hell but no tempeture.
Ended up taking a sheet of Benadryl and that hardly helped.
I had the worst time falling asleep but I could barely stay awake either so I was in this purgatory of wake and sleep.
I hope i never deal with a reaction like this again. It felt alot like Scarlet Fever which i had as i kid.

Feeling better. Finally.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

And thats the news in this neck of the woods...

Alot going on this past week.

Went out to the Frequency on Monday with Suzy and got wasted. Walked to Ian's Pizza for late night drunk food.
Tuesday was staying at home and relaxing.
Came back to Suzy's on Wednesday night.
Went with Adam and Danielle to the Warped Tour in Milwaukee. I had to get up fucking super early to be ready to leave by 9:30am.
Watched bits of: Emmure(sucked, too Limp Bizkit-y with death metal screams for my taste)
Left Alone( a hellcat records band)
Set Your Goals( Danielle wasn't digging them and they are better on album than live)
The Exposed( from the U.K.)
Riverboat Gamblers( waiting for Reel Big Fish to play)
Pennywise( which played on a offshoot stage, prolly since they have a new singer or to make room for The Cab to play on the main stage, not sure which)
Face to Face( caught the end of their set, never been a big fan anyway)
Andrew W.K.( only caught "Party Hard" and lemme tell ya, it was worth seeing that alone)

Saw full sets of:
Suicide Silence( meh )
The Casualties( always a fun set even though it never changes)
Every Time I Die( god I love Andy's new perm. Toughest perm I have seen. The Buckley bros are always high energy)
Alkaline Trio( Up front for this one and the band threw out alot of old songs into the setlist. Conveniently skipped over songs from Crimson and The Agony and Irony)
Dillinger Escape Plan( highlight of the day, bar none. CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS, I've got pictures of Ben shredding right above my head.)
Reel Big Fish ( we ended our day with their set and headed back to the car missing out on Sum 41 and Bring Me The Horizon, didn't care to see either band)

Friday I ran some errands and then took a nap on Suzy's couch waiting for her to get home from work so we could spend some time together relaxing before we met up with Adam and Danielle at the High Noon Saloon to see Lucero.
God they were awesome, we left with after an hour and a half of their two hour set because Suzy was hella worn out from her week and I was pretty drunk.

Which I've decided to quit drinking. I'm going to start with until Suzy's birthday Oct 18th. Thats a good two months to start. Not unreasonable. I don't think I really have a problem, its more of I need to give it a rest and know that I can stop for any length of time I choose. More of a will power test than anything. Being a Wisconsinite, we tend to not realize how much we actually drink.
I don't drink often but when I do go out, I get absolutely wasted, not blackout drunk but dumb and hungover drunk. Plus its a waste of money that I need to be saving to move and for the wedding. So I will stop for two months, then stop again until Thanksgiving, then again until New Years then maybe just stop all together if I so choose. I just wanna know I control it and it doesn't control me.

Yesterday was Christmas in July at Suzy's sister's house in DeForest. Most of her sisters were there along with significant others and her Mom and Stepdad. It was alot of fun, I hung out with the women folk because for some reason I tend to rather do that then do "the guy thing" or I'm just lazy and it was indoors with the AC on. I like to think the former rather than the latter.
Suzy spent the night last night and we watched some episodes of Dexter, which i got her hooked on.( Hooray me)
Today I got a nice surprise, to preface: I had a single strong pain killer to take when I go finish my back piece, because it was the only unbearable tattoo I have had so far.
So I had it in an old Xanax bottle that had some of my stronger Xanax in, which i rarely take because it isn't necessary very often. And I went to put that stuff in my new lock box for safe keeping but lo and behold it had been stolen and replaced with one of my very weak Xanax pills instead. To top it off a fair amount of my strong Xanax were also missing.
I am damn sure I know who took them and it isn't my brother (for once) or my aunt. It was someone who use to live here but left and has been a thorn in our family's side for a while now. She apparently has been coming here early in the morning when no one is home and knows that we don't lock some doors because the dogs need to go out during the day and is friendly with the dogs.
No way to prove it, but she sent some text messages to my mom that may have inadvertently hung herself by.
The worst part is EVERY SINGLE TIME Suzy spends the night some new drama bullshit ends up happening with my family. I'm afraid soon she isn't ever gonna wanna come over.
So that was what I discovered this afternoon.
Took Suzy up to see my mom's cabin for a bit, drove through the Wisconsin Dells then over to Portage to check our Goodwill and get some Mexican food.
And that about wraps up my week.

Next week I gotta see if I work Sunday since the schedule wasn't finished for that day last time I checked. I hope I do so I can make some money. And I need to take this week and find somewhere decent to work that needs people Tuesday through Friday. Good luck with that it seems. I hate working, but I hate not having a steady income even more.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Roots Radical

Just past 50 posts for the year, not too shabby...
Anyways...
I had been reading an article on musical influences and it struck me how almost no matter what kind of music you liked as a kid you go through a hip hop appreciation phase. And then usually you move on to building on the roots of your musical tastes.
Its the strangest thing.
Makes me wonder if B-Boys and B-Girls go through a brief metal or lounge music phase? Nah probably just they end up listening to terrible techno for a few years.
The first song I remember hearing was my mom playing Beastie Boys " You Gotta Fight" now this is tricky since they were on Def Jam at the time and were somewhat considered in the hip hop world BUT what I loved about it was the organic live band sound, it was almost thrashy, the solo was like something that Anthrax woulda been playing.
I've been all over the radar with my musical tastes, my first vinyl 7 inch was Los Lobos' cover of "La Bamba". I was so obsessed with it that when we moved I am convinced my parents through it out as it didn't seem to make it to the new house mysteriously.
As a baby of the MTV generation, I had an eclectic taste right off the bat. Loving everything from Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" and Taking Head's "Burning Down the House", Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" to being able to remember that Adam Curry looked retarded trying to host Headbanger's Ball (and i was very young and still understood that fact) while enjoying The Crue's "Dr. Feelgood" and getting rare viewings of Iron Maiden's "Run To The Hills".
Oh I had the embarrassment of knowing the "Hangin' Tough" dance and loving M.C. Hammer's "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" album because well, at the time i had no idea that there was an underground punk movement, MTV didn't cover that. Alternative Nation and later 120 Minutes just barely gave glimpsed into anything resembling that scene. Honestly the video clips shown in Bevis and Butthead were where I got to hear the raddest music. Unsane, Butthole Surfers, the Pixies, i got exposed to them all by that show.
Radio wasn't much better.
Though at night falling asleep I would be lulled into dreamland by the likes of Wax, The Cure, and what I would later realize as the early Paul Westerberg solo stuff. Otherwise it was G'n'R and Warrant and Ratt until mopey-dopey Nirvana hit the scene. Perfect for me because it let all these obscure bands float to the surface and then reading their liner notes in the "thank yous" section it turned me on to even greater bands. Well worth it even though thanks to Pearl Jam being put into heavy rotation, we much later got stuck with god-awful shit like Creed and Seether, much like watching the Simpsons on Fox saved the company and would one day give birth to that which is FoxNews.
Green Day opened me up to Rancid, Op Ivy, NoFx and the rest of the Epitaph roster.
Though of course I put all that away with the exception Sublime and Reel Big Fish when I started to get more into the hip hop music which i don't think is a coincidence that I also (stupidly) started to think that pot was cool, like a lot of late middle school age kids.
Thus is where I was really listening to Ice Cube, Too Short, Wu-tang Clan Tupac, Notorious BIG and whatever popular east coast vs. west coast rap was in fashion in the moment. These acts were the soundtrack to my high school party days mixed in a bit with a slowly deepening knowledge of punk. My metal listening was relegated to mostly Nine Inch Nails and marilyn manson, (sad as can be to admit) Limp Bizkit and other "edgy but really not" type music.
Since my friends and I had the derogatory nickname in high school of "Slayer-dogs" it took me years later to realize that Slayer was actually a fucking rad band. I gotta say thank god for one band: Glassjaw, not groundbreaking music by any means but they woke me up, it got me out of a musical rut and slowly returned me to the joys of discovering new and exciting bands. The way seeing live music can only do.
Music has always been my lifeblood but I've always been a slow learner when it comes to the really good stuff. The throwaway stuff always hit my ear right away but the stuff I actually love, it took second or third listens before I actually understood that I had more in common with those bands then what I was immediately exposed to. I heard the Replacements numerous times before I actually sat and paid attention and saw that they summarized most of my high school existence.
Even today I am the same way. I knew OF Dillinger Four back when Vs. God came out but I just started really getting them a few years ago.
I feel like I've come full circle in alot of ways. I loved that thrashy sound of " You Gotta Fight" oh so many years ago and now I am really appreciating bands like Baroness, Mastodon, Dillinger Escape Plan. Its not the only stuff I listen to, I'm a die-hard Willie Nelson and Van Morrison fan but I feel like have taken the roots of the music I loved as a child and expanded upon what the aspects I loved and sought out kindred bands.
It gives me immense pleasure to be able to recommend a band to someone and get them hooked on them. Since buying cds has become so few and far between and mp3s don't come with them, I like to think its my way of being a walking talking "thank yous" part of the liner notes.
I could go on and on about the crap music i listened to by default of MTV/the radio and the amazing music I've discovered through word of mouth or mixtapes ( <3 ) or seeing live.
Hell I could write a whole paragraph just about that I owned a Green Jelly cassette tape.
But I digress
If i had any one piece of advice, its "stay eclectic".

Edit: I've also found better hip hop as well, thanks Rhymesayers

Roll The Dice

The date has been set for Suzy and my nuptials are gonna be set for Friday April 13th 2012 in Las Vegas. Then we will hopefully set up a party type atmosphere for a reception on May 4th 2012.
I'm gonna look into trying to get it at Devil's Head, maybe in the Avalanche or The Cornucopia. Depends on how much it costs.
We really want to keep costs down as much as humanly possible with it still being fun.
The guest list has gotten gigantic and its kind of overwhelming.
Well we have a year and 10 months to get it all planned out.

So there you go.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Loungin Lakeside in the Northwoods

Rode up with Suzy Thursday night to Pelican Lake and it took longer than it should of because like idiots we actually thought Googlemaps is accurate.
Guess what, its not.
Thursday night after we got up there and settled in, Suzy and I drank little more than half a bottle of Amaretto mixed with cola while we shot the shit with her family.
I had to strip for her family to show off and explain all my tattoos because her mom felt awkward staring at them previously.
Then Suzy's sister Jenny caught a glimpse of the engagement ring and then questions started flying, we let them as a bit before Suzy told them that yes it is an engagement ring and no we aren't pregnant. Everyone seemed very happy for us.
Then after a night filled with heartburn from too much sweet alcohol, we got up and ran with everyone to Walmart to get more booze and some other accouterments. Both Suzy and I felt like total ass all day( intestinal distress to put it lightly) but we maintained barely. I learned out to play the family card game which is pretty much "shit on your neighbor". They play for money but I was learning so I got to play for free. Which is good because I woulda lost haha.
Then we went out for friday fish fry and we had the biggest cunt of a waitress, not even very busy and anytime we asked for like a drink refill or something we'd get eye rolls and angry sighs.
Total bitch.
Then after dinner, came time for the surprise, Suzy's mom and sister Robin came back to the table with a cake that said " Happy Engagement Austin and Suzy" with a bride and groom on it.
Very sweet of them.
We got back and sat around, had burned marshmallows layed around and after everyone went to sleep, we had sex on the living room floor. ( safer spot than the following night)
Saturday was boat ride and sun soaking.
We also all took turns riding the inertube being pulled by the boat. I haven't done that in years, I got some great pictures that I will have to put up once i edit them.
I got sunburned on my temples.
After a nap that lasted longer than I thought we got up, and hung out some more and bullshitted with everyone. Right about dark we were treated to a huge fireworks display around the lake by each of the rich families that must have dropped a pretty penny on some elaborate sky flowers.
After Suzy's parents headed to bed the sisters and their significant others and we played this game called "Catchphrase" i think, I dunno, by this point I was just hitting the bottom of the bottle of stoli raspberri vodka that we bought on friday morning.
It was a hilarious time playing that and after the boys team lost, BARELY... we scampered off to bed. We were in the room with bunk beds and a twin bed that slid on the floor with the slightest movement so we decide to have sex on the top bunk to minimize the sound but it being kinda dark and REALLY close to the ceiling, what do I do? Slam my head into the ceiling fan blades and gash my head. Didn't bleed really but it is very very noticeable and is quite bruised. Not to mention my sunburn really brings out the red in the line gash. HAHAHA. Floor might have been safer.
Today slept in a bit then collected our things, said our goodbyes and we headed off back to Lodi.
Now we are sitting around hoping that the rain holds off and we feel good enough to drive to the Dells and find a good spot to watch the massive Fireworks display that the Kalahari resort puts on every year. The skys aren't looking to favorable at the moment but fingers are crossed.

I had a blast with what I suppose is now my third side of the family. Everyone was super nice and I got along quite well.
The lake was beautiful towards sunset and I couldn't put my camera down.
It was an amazing respite from the drama and hectic-ness of the normal southern Wisconsin life.
So far a great way to spend my holiday weekend.

Thought of Dad some too, which made me sad but thats life.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced.

Big news: I got engaged last weekend.
Quick recap is as follows, Adam, Danielle, Suzy and I went to KD's Bar to hang out. When the girls walked away Adam and I talked about proposing to our women. I had been thinking about Suzy being the one and have known I was near 100% sure I wanted to spend my life with her. When you know you just know. We haven't been dating nowhere near as long as Danielle and Adam but then again the last time I took this step I had been 2 1/2 years deep into a relationship and we all know how that turned out. Life is short and when you feel it, why not just go for it. I've previously been through one of the worst outcomes that would be possible and I know for a fact Suzy isn't someone who could do anything like that. She is a peach. Sweet and genuine, pretty and fun. Doesn't care about my faults. Could anyone ask for more?
So as i was saying Adam and I discussed it and we both decided that this was the time to do it. He went up to the DJ and requested that he play " Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" by the Dropkick Murphys and I went and ordered two shots of whiskey, gave one to Adam and one for me. So Adam started first and was proposing which got Suzy distracted enough for me to whisper in her ear " will you marry me?"
She looked to be in shock for a second and asked if I was serious, I told her I didn't have a ring at the moment but she should share the shot with me as celebration as she had said YES.
Now both Adam and I are engaged to our respective others and now the planning has begun.

I've been bombarded with questions on wedding plans and the like so here I'll answer some of the most asked questions so I don't have to answer them a million times.

Is she pregnant?
Not as far as we know so far, so right now the answer is NO!

But you've only been together for a short amount of time, why now?
Because I know when I'm in love and I know when I'm on the lucky end of the stick.

When is the wedding?
Not for a while, we feel there is nothing wrong with a long engagement. When we feel its time to get married we will, on our own time.

Am I invited to the wedding?
We are thinking about doing a Vegas wedding since we are both easily nervous in front of groups of people and don't like being the center of attention. We will video tape the ceremony and show it at the wedding reception whenever we have that so people can feel like they were there. We will send out invites for the reception when we plan it. Plus Suzy loves the 50's Rat Pack and Elvis type stuff so it would be fun for us to get married by an Elvis or Sammy Davis Jr. impersonator. We feel it would make more sense to us to save the money that would be spent on a wedding and use it for a honeymoon instead.

What did your parents say?
My mom was happy and surprised as was the rest of my family that knows at this point. They all really like Suzy.
Suzy hasn't told her family yet because we are gonna be spending time over the 4th of July weekend at her parents cabin and we want to spend the time pressure free so I can get to know her family without being judged through that filter. She'll tell her family in her own time, it doesn't mean she is any less excited, its more doing it out of concern for me and to let me and her family get comfortable/ aquainted with each other. Not to mention we both don't like being the center of attention.

Have you gotten her a ring and what does the ring look like?
You'll find out after Suzy sees it.

Who is your best man gonna be?
I'm gonna have co best men, Leif who is like my second brother and has been a member of my family since I can remember and Adam who is my best friend.

Why not a traditional wedding?
Because neither of us are particularly religious so no church wedding, and honestly I'd like to do a civil union since so many people associate marriage religion and between a man and a woman so I'd love to throw it all off and have what they want gay couples to have but for us, a straight couple, but that would bring even more attention to us and I don't think Suzy would be comfortable with that and I would be all nervous too.

Is this gonna keep you from moving to the west coast?
Nope

What do you want for a wedding present?
We are thinking about setting up an account for people to donate to a honeymoon fund instead of traditional wedding presents. No one has to donate but if you want to it will be appreciated.

And once again NO, Suzy is not pregnant. Not yet anyway.