Sunday, February 21, 2010

Are you the keymaster? I am the gate keeper?

At this point I'm pretty sure no one is reading this blog, which is actually kind of fine with me because i suppose it will give me more freedom to really say whats on my mind without sugar coating it as not to hurt my friends feelings. One upside i guess.
I suppose one truth that i haven't really expressed is my disappointment in my Australia trip, more in the sense that it wasn't as drunk mayhem as i hoped it would have been, as well as I think the connection between my host and myself deterirated as opposed to becoming stronger which i hoped for. There are circumstances that attributed to it being more lax, like her being sick part of the time. But not getting to meet more of her friends, or hit up interesting night spots or honestly being more intimate was a bit of a let down. Can't lie. I don't know the reasons for this, though i can speculate, but I had a bit higher hopes. If I'm gonna be honest, there it is.
I do kind of hate that all i seem to do is bitch on this blog, it would be real nice to have a positive gushing diatribe but i'm so mixed up on what i want vs what i get that I can't help but bitch about the situations i put myself in.
I either jump out right away and am super intense with my feelings or I am so subdued that i hardly get excited about anything. The former scares girls away and the latter makes me bored.
All I know is I want to begin to settle down, not like right away but take the first steps to getting there. So far here in the midwest I've not found exactly what I'm looking for, I've found girls that are fun and are out to party all the time, i've found professional girls that don't have time for a fuck up like me etc... I just haven't found my intellectually compatible mate. I've had the under qualified and the ones that put my knowledge to shame but yet to find that middle ground where I'm not gonna get bored and I'm not gonna be boring.
I'm not knocking the girls i know because i know some great girls but either I or they aren't interested in anything long term, settle down type situations with each other.
Like a fucking broken record I say it time and time again but I need some major change to take place to propel myself into the next phase of adulthood.
I've been a Toys R Us kid for far too long.
I just hate to think that I am going to have to settle or that someone would settle for me.
Either there is a connection on looks or one on personality but thus far I haven't gotten both in one package, sadly since my former fiancee', who honestly really wasn't compatible with me but I tricked myself in to believing she was because I wanted it so bad to be true.
With my luck the more i type the more I alienate anyone I know who would even be interested in me or i sound like a whiney bitch. Whatever the case its far from attractive.
boo fucking whooooo hahaha

Final summation: i'm not getting any younger

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