Sunday, September 26, 2010

Where do I belong?

I'm kind of a man without a country right now.
Don't belong at my mom's place, thanks to my brother and way too much drama that is involved surrounding him and my mom.
So now I'm staying at my fiancee's place but I feel like I am not suppose to be here, i feel like her roommate is allowing me to stay because he thinks he has to. Which he doesn't. He has every right to say that its not cool if I crash here.
So I'm kind of blowing in the wind.
I've got a shittastic job that pays 8 bucks an hour though its full time so I can't afford a place of my own right now.
I need to get it figured out soon. I want to have a place to be comfortable by february so when the baby comes I'll be settled in and my fiancee' and I won't have to move after the baby comes.
The San Diego move has been postponed because of the recent developments so who knows what thats gonna happen. All I know is Wisconsin feels like purgatory, atleast in the sense of the actual living here part after life in Minneapolis.
Growing up I always wanted to get the fuck away from Wisconsin, then I did, then I lost my job and couldn't find anything to work so I had to move back and I thought it would be for long enough to save up some money to get the fuck outta here. ( i don't regret why I'm gonna be here longer)
Hopefully once the eggplant gets to a year old we can say fuck it and finally get out of this deadzone called the midwest.
I got alot of shit to work out.
Oh yea, FUCK WINTER, its not even here yet but it can fuck off proper.
Enough pissing and moaning.
Went to see Gaslight Anthem last week and it was super rad. Getting to go see Valient Thorr on Friday. So that should be a nice way to unwind.

P.S. As much as I bitch about living in Wisconsin, I am so happy to be with my fiancee' especially that she has the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy, all i have to do is make the armpit farting noise and she cracks up. I can't wait for her to be done with school so we should be able to get to spend time together without her being totally wiped of energy. It will be so nice to have time to spend together other than the hour between when i get home from work and when she goes to bed.
I'm also super excited for my kid to get here, I am absolutely looking forward to him/her to arrive I am even fine with diaper changing, atleast I hope so. Its gonna be a fun,scary interesting ride I'm about to embark on.

Friday, September 24, 2010

My big virtual mouth

So I didn't think anyone read this thing except Suzy and maybe two other friends.
I guess I was wrong.
Well I suppose a sorry is in order for not breaking such big news to everyone in my family individually.
I tend to get over-excited and like to give people mass updates since I'm not a phone person.
Sorry about that.
At least I didn't twitter it so it made for better reading than being limited to 160 characters.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Ok So Fuck It... Finally Breaking News...

I think all the essential players have been notified at this point. This is for anyone that is important but has been kept in the dark for any number of reasons.

Suzy and I are having a baby.
We are about 7 weeks pregnant.
I've been really nervous/excited/worried/happy about it all.
There is so much growing up that I need to do. I'm doing my best but I still am slightly in my selfish state of mind, a way of thinking that I need to fully abandon oh so quickly.
I'm trying, I really am, but I'm finding it very hard to be a real adult.
Its really scary to think that soon I'm gonna have someone who will ALWAYS be dependent on me to do things for them. Hell, I'm still dependent on my mom.
I mean I work a job as basically a "car janitor". Instead of cleaning toilets I clean cars. And I haven't been paid this low since I was in high school.
Feels like I'm gonna fail at supporting a little one.
Please don't say something about having a college degree equals better paying job opportunities because almost everyone I know who has a college degree is making about as much as I am at a job that ISN'T what they went to school for. So I don't buy that line of thinking, I just don't have a mountain of debt while working this low paying job.
I'm also very worried that there is going to be something wrong with the child, health or development-wise. Mostly because my sense of humor tends to skew towards the sick and morbid. I laugh at things that I know aren't suppose to be funny, so I'm actually really afraid that karma is gonna come back and bite me big time by giving my child flippers instead of normal arms or some huge disability as a big cosmic "fuck you" for making light of things that don't warrant it. Might be a tad irrational in my reasoning for being worried but to me its a legit concern.

I am extremely excited because I've wanted to have a child for years now and I think if besides financial constraints, I'm probably at my peak age for being the best parent I'm gonna ever be. I've done my partying and stuff so I won't feel jaded that I missed out on some part of my life and I am not too old that I won't be able to connect with my child because the age gap is too much.
Plus I have amassed such a large array of useful and useless knowledge that my child will know a lot of random information. I know Suzy gets bored hearing it, so hopefully the child will eat it up.

Its gonna be great to teach my kid what good music is. I don't think I will allow the radio in my house since Clear Channel poisons everyone with the same 40 songs ad nauseum and MTV doesn't really play music anymore, I will (hopefully) end up being the one to influence my child's musical tastes. I want my child to be the only kindergartener to know the words to Jimmy Cliff and NoFx songs better than "the wheels on the bus". That would make me such a proud papa.
The diapers and puke stuff scares me since I have a quick gag reflex for gross stuff but I think that I will get use to it or at the very least be able to tolerate it until no more need for diapers and the kid knows to puke in the toilet when he/she is sick.

Personally I am hoping for a boy, simply because I know what its like to be a boy and there isn't a "princess phase", well might be depending either way I guess. There isn't a slutty clothes phase with boys either and you don't have to worry about boys getting knocked up and then getting ditched. There is just more of a propensity towards violence with boys, kids fighting, bullying etc... since our society tends to reenforce that Violence=Masculinity. That will be a tough current to swim against but one I am willing to do.
Its not that I would be disappointed if we have a girl in any way, its just a different set of challenges, some that I am ill-equipped to handle.
One thing either way I know I have to do is teach my child a good work ethic, thats something I never really learned and it probably explains a lot of the bad stuff in my life. So chores/helping around the house will be a big thing very early in life. If that sticks it will translate to a better shot at doing well in school and beyond.
Side note: hopefully math comes easy to our child because I for one, am terrible at anything past basic third grade math, everything after I get lost.
So yeah...
If everything goes right and the child stays in the oven until fully cooked, come April or so I am gonna be a papa.

UPDATE 9-22-10: The due date has been forecast for April 24th. 7 months and two days if the doctor is more accurate than the weatherman.
If its a boy I'm on a major campaign for the name to be Nesta Westerberg Kenworthy. I'm getting some hella resistance on this front though.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sometimes I'm a fucking prick...

Update: I've been in a shitty mood lately and I can't explain why exactly. I'm getting annoyed for no real reason. I'm snapping at people. I think I'm just bored. Work isn't boring, more annoying but there is nothing really to do around here to do. I don't have the money to spend on new video games to keep me occupied or not too many new concerts around here that aren't super expensive or fall on nights I have to work.
Thinking about it, maybe I'm just homesick for MPLS still. I don't have anyone to blame or anything, I just miss living somewhere when there are many many options every day to go out and do something. Even if I don't actually go and do those things, I had the choice to go do something. Plus I've seen the sights here so many times over, whereas in MPLS lots of things seemed new.
I think thats what I was looking for going to San Diego but being here in limbo is frustrating.
Its no one's fault or anything, I'm just horrible at having patience, I wanna do things now and get them started so all that energy is pent up and I'm getting snappy and ornery.
Gotta find a way to vent out this energy because work isn't cutting it, instead its almost making it work.
Maybe I'll guess the right lottery numbers and then I'll have the financial freedom to do and go where I really want to be.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Enough to drive a sane man crazy

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.
Its been scary.
Things are all good right now but I've been super fucking stressed out.
Its tough not losing my mind when shit like this creeps up.
I just hope this is the last of it for a while.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

That's what rearview mirrors are for.

I dented the bumper of a car today at work. I feel like a total moron.
I was fueling up a vehicle and when i was done I tried, well i succeeded in backing up but i back right up into a cement light pole. It made a great big dent and scratched up the bumper some too. Super fucking dumb.
So my supervisors had me go get a drug and breathalyzer test. Good thing I'm not a partier.
Not sure what is gonna happen about my job.
I know accidents happen but I should have been paying more attention but all I can do is accept whatever happens.