Friday, November 5, 2010

Hot Mess of Anxiety is a Hell of a Thing...

You know how some blogs start out with a SPOILER alert warning, well this one is gonna have a COMPLAINING alert on it. So if you have enough problems in your own life and could give two shits less about anyone else's "woe is me" type blogs then I'm fine if you stop reading or skip the middle paragraph, i know all about not wanting to deal with anyone else's drama. I'm not looking for anyone to coddle me or anything either, I don't need anything from anyone I just need to vent.
Here goes:

My agoraphobia and panic attacks and anxiety has been ramping up to near unbearable proportions. I don't know what is causing it to get so bad. Maybe worry about being a dad, maybe hearing about the epic drama surrounding my family( all that they bring on themselves) that i try to avoid but still somehow get dragged into. God I feel bad for my nephew. Maybe its my I.B.S. and my body is finally sick of dealing with it.
I don't know, all I do know is that its so hard to even leave the house. Even after I take my medication I'm still a ball of nerves and all I wanna do is crawl under the covers and hide.
I don't want that.
I wanna be going out at the drop of a hat, I don't want to have to miss out of things in my kids life because I'm paralyzed by fear.
It's really hard for people who haven't had to deal with it to understand what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
The best thing I can do to relate it is to ask that you imagine a time when you were so scared you were literally going to die and you had no control. The adrenaline rush, the feeling that your stomach and intestines were gonna fall out your ass, you couldn't breathe, maybe you thought you were gonna pass out.
Ok so take that feeling multiply it times about 75 and its close to what I feel most days.
And thats after taking medication, maybe the Xanax and klonopin combo isn't helping. I don't know.
I'm looking into Cognative Behavioral Therapy groups, hopefully one that can fit into my work schedule. I'm kind of at my wits end with this, I snap at people who don't deserve it because I'm suffering. And the worst part is it comes out of no where, it just starts and then I feel bad that I'm freaking out over nothing when people have real problems where they would be justified in feeling the way I do.
Some might suggest that my diet is upsetting my IBS. Who knows, I cut out all caffeine, I rarely eat any red meat. I've cut out most all alcohol, i haven't drank since the beginning of september i think and that wasn't more than two drinks. I haven't been able to eat much anyway. I wish I could alter my diet to get closer to vegetarian but I think it would reek havoc on my digestive tract even more until it gets use to the change. Unfortunately I don't have the time to wait out that craziness that I know will ensue. Its really hard to say, I have been keeping track of what makes everything worse and then cutting those things out, while slowly adding in things like spinach and carrots but I'm not seeing any positive differences.
I just want to be normal. I want to be able to go places and not be scared and want to escape or freak out if a bathroom is occupied even if I really don't need to use it, just seeing that I CANT use it makes me afraid that I'll have to before its open.
Its so hard to even go to work. I get anxiety every time I eat lunch then work. I think I've lost some weight from the anxiety and not being able to eat when i want to like I use to when I was in MPLS.
I'm just a whole mess of crazy. My poor kid and Suzy having to deal with me is gotta be hell.

In better news Suzy and I just looked at an apartment and we really like it. Its in Sun Prairie. Suzy won't be able to move in right away but I would be moving in about december 1st. My mom is gonna be a godsend and help out with rent for Suzy's half until she is able to move in/get out of her lease, hopefully John Michael can find someone to take Suzy's half of the lease very soon but that is up to him.
I've had a few interviews for jobs but nothing has panned out thus far, so kinda disheartening, I would love to be making more money but you never know, something good might magically come my way, nepotism seems to be how you get the best jobs. Not that you are actually qualified or not for them.
It will be nice not to live downtown Madison. The parking situation is awful here and we never take advantage of any of the perks of being down here right now, namely the party atmosphere.
I just wanna have a comfortable apartment that can be a sanctuary.

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