Sunday, November 28, 2010

Moving is a pain in the ass...

Fuck is this stressful.
Its probably the most stressful part of the whole moving experience, just trying to figure out the logistics of the plan to move.
I've got a hell of a lot of heavy stuff to move and I have some people to help with it but Suzy won't be able to help a lot of it since being in a "delicate state". I don't expect her to be moving colossal boxes or anything, its just really anxious about the fact that I am going to be moving the bulk our possessions. I'm gonna be worn out.
I guess I just wish Suzy was able to help more, not in a selfish way exactly but more of a bonding way, like its "our" first real place together and we have to rely on other people to help.
That is what usually happens when you move, other people help but somehow its not the same.
I know that Suzy feels bad because she can't help more and thats causing a bit of tension between us not to mention money troubles don't make things much easier.
I've been planning things in my head on the best course of action.
Tuesday I pick up keys, hopefully I'll be able to get a few things in after work that night.
Wednesday morning, take the TV and my boxes that I have at Suzy's place before I go to work. Blow up the air mattress. Suzy has to be at the new place between 3 to 5 for internet hookup. Hopefully she can pick up some small boxes to bring over.
Thursday I pick up the moving truck before work then after work, grab her bed to put in the second bedroom and her vanity.
Friday morning I head to my mom's to grab all my stuff i have there, Adam and my mom are gonna help me with that stuff. Awesome.
Saturday morning, drive to Stoughton to get couches and table from Suzy's sister, her mom and other sister are gonna meet me at the new place to help carry it up i guess. That is gonna be really helpful.
I'll probably need a nap after i return the moving truck. Suzy is off work at 1:15 then she and her fam can hopefully go to her current place and grab some stuff. At night maybe set up the apartment a bit.
Sunday grab more stuff.
Hopefully then throughout the rest of the week we slowly grab anything that is leftover.
That is the plan but weather or other people's plans can throw a wrench in my agenda. Hopefully things will work out the way I envision them. And I hope no one overextends themselves.
I just want it to be a week from today so everything will be over with and done.
Stress will be done and we will be looking forward to December 13th and find out if we have a Liam or a Lucy.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

He covered himself in mud to mask his body temperature.

So last night I watched the Robert Rodrigiez produced Predators

AND IT WAS FUCKING RAD.
I wasn't expecting much since the Aliens VS. Predator debacle but throw that thought right out your pretty little head. It is nothing like that shit-fest.
Ok I'll be the first to say it, Adrien Brody channeling The Dark Knight gravely voice was a bit grating but other than that, this was a spot on sequel to the original that spawned two governors and Carl Weathers.
Danny Trejo was sweet in it though small screen time as I think he was working on Machete' at the same time.
Topher Grace is really out of place at first but there is more to it other than levity. The Spetnaz soldier was pretty good and nice throwback to the look of the original crew.
One of the most beautiful scenes was the Yakuza warrior facing off against one of the Predators in a field with tall grass. It was gorgeous and perfect.
I don't think this movie could have been executed any better.

On the flipside of the movie coin was Night of The Demons which I learned later was a remake and not a very good one.

The special effects were really entertaining. Edward Furlong sure put on some pounds and I really doubt it was for this movie, doesn't strike me as that type of actor. And I was sad to see that Monica Keena had lost a lot of her curves since I saw her last in Freddy VS. Jason.

Basically it's a supernatural attacking a group and they need to hold out till morning, which we have seen done so much better in Feast, From Dusk Til Dawn and hell even Tales From The Crypt's Demon Knight. Its kind of cheesy and has some questionably funny moments like a girl getting getting fucked by her boyfriend then he turns into a demon and sticks his apparently gigantic demon dick in her ass and turns her into a demon in the process.
Its one of those movies to watch with beers and friends.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Your entrance was good, his was better...

Wow, one of the worst movies is on tv "Batman Forever". I once heard that if you pretend that its an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical without the music then it makes sense but I like to think that Joel Schumacher is just a ghost director because the studio didn't want to admit they let Lloyd Kaufman direct a movie with that big of a budget. Poor Val Kilmer, such a great talent wasted on such an awful script.
Not next friday but the one after I should be mostly moved into my new apartment. I am so excited.
Maybe not the lifting and carrying part but the having my own place part, well it won't be my own, I'll be sharing it with Suzy but she won't be able to get her stuff in for about another month or so.
Mostly it will be her staying over some nights until she gets time and more help moving the majority of her stuff. Plus she has to get money for the cat deposit.

Despite being in the middle of a 9 day work week I'm in a pretty good mood. Very worn out and am absolutely looking forward to Thanksgiving but not nearly as pissy as I had been in the previous weeks. Dunno if its the combination of starting to take Vitamin D supplements since I don't get enough or its my taking use of Anna's "3 happy things" that has been helping. Probably a little bit of both maybe as well as mind over matter. Either way it feels so much better not getting pissed off at every tiny thing.

After the apartment the next big milestone is finding out if the baby is an innie or an outtie. We find that out on December 13th at 3pm.

Still slowly looking for another better paying job but who knows if it will happen anytime soon. Most likely no. Not around here.
BUT (fingers crossed) Emily wants to open a tattoo shop in a few years, probably about the time Suzy would be willing to move somewhere and Em would want me to be shop manager. Can someone say "rad sauce"?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, My Brother the Failure...

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, I know this, glad I invested in plexiglass along time ago.
I'm not going to drag out my brother's old or current dirty laundry that doesn't pertain to me as much as possible but right now I am very angry with him and don't know what exactly to do because he is a sociopath and doesn't really care how he makes other people feel.
Back story, as a lot of people know, in May I moved back down to Wisconsin to stay at my mom's "temporarily" to save some cash to head out to San Diego. Along the way I got hooked on a girl and have a kid on the way so it became a bit more than temporary right now.
Around this time my brother was kicked out of the Army for reasons I will not go into, but being a good brother I helped my mom's boyfriend and drove out in one straight shot to help move him back to Wisconsin.
That meant he was ALSO going to be staying at my mom's.
My mom and I drew up a contract for him to sign as conditions for living in the house.
Once of the conditions was "respecting other people's property and space" since my brother has a knack or compulsion depending on how you look at it, for appropriating (read: stealing other peoples stuff).
First some of my medication went missing, medication that I need to function on a daily basis. He swore up and down it wasn't him. He took drug tests, though home drug tests do not test for prescription drugs.
Then more went missing and finally he admitted he took some but " not the first time".
That was the last straw for me, I couldn't live under the same roof as him anymore. So Suzy and John Michael let me stay with them.
Now I have an apartment that I am moving into in December so tonight after work I went to my mom's to get some things ready to move since I will be working starting tuesday for the next 9 days straight.
When I got there my former room was a pig sty. NOT how I left it.
As I was getting my stuff together I noticed that a jar of change I had hidden was EMPTY.
Not only that my stuff had been rifled through and a few things are missing that I can't quite put my finger on.
I don't know what to do.
Should I get the police involved once I take inventory of what is missing?
I texted him about it and no response.
I'm at my wit's end.
There are many many more things that make me want to complain about him but these are family things and not for everyone to know about.
At least he is out of my mom's house but stealing my stuff along the way, what can I do about it?
Am I being too materialistic?
I do take very very good care of the things I own and I am a collector. Maybe this is one of the lesson in life I'm suppose to learn, to let things go. That THINGS aren't worth getting upset about.
But I feel its more the principle that I'm being disrespected by my boundaries constantly being broken.
I'm about as close to disowning him as family as I can get.
What the fuck am I to do?

By the way, if I have my mythology correct, my current job is basically being Sisyphus, the man who is forever pushing a boulder up a hill and yet getting no where. No matter how many cars I clean, there are always more and this nine days I'll end up cleaning the same cars over and over again. Its kind of ridiculous. I wish I was making a difference with my job. At least at the movie theaters, I was in some small way adding to the enjoyment of someone's day.
I guess having those clean cars help people get from point A to point B but somehow that is less than comforting.
I suppose I'll keep looking for that job that makes me feel like I'm doing something important even if its only me that feels that way.
16 days til new apartment. HOORAY!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Too many payments, not enough pay...

I really don't know how I'm gonna afford to live with this current job. I really need to be making more money.
Here is what I have to pay for:
Car Payment,
Car Insurance,
Food,
Phone payment,
Rent,
Gas,
in a month i'll have to start paying internet.
plus I get 50 dollars taken out of my meager paycheck for health insurance.
And this is before the baby.

I should be getting a small amount of money at the end of the year which will go to finishing off my car payments and probably rent. Its not gonna last long even though I wish it would.
Then I'll get a tiny tax return.
I'm applying for better paying jobs like mad, but no luck so far.
I've had to resort to asking my mom for help and I HATE doing that. Its the last thing I wanna do.

If only I had a job after the cinema in Minneapolis, then I would still have a bunch of money left but it all went to paying rent and my phone bill.
Well that and taking a trip to Australia but in the scheme of things that was actually really inexpensive, especially compared to the experience.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I've gotta get lucky in a better paying job department.
Fingers crossed.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Hot Mess of Anxiety is a Hell of a Thing...

You know how some blogs start out with a SPOILER alert warning, well this one is gonna have a COMPLAINING alert on it. So if you have enough problems in your own life and could give two shits less about anyone else's "woe is me" type blogs then I'm fine if you stop reading or skip the middle paragraph, i know all about not wanting to deal with anyone else's drama. I'm not looking for anyone to coddle me or anything either, I don't need anything from anyone I just need to vent.
Here goes:

My agoraphobia and panic attacks and anxiety has been ramping up to near unbearable proportions. I don't know what is causing it to get so bad. Maybe worry about being a dad, maybe hearing about the epic drama surrounding my family( all that they bring on themselves) that i try to avoid but still somehow get dragged into. God I feel bad for my nephew. Maybe its my I.B.S. and my body is finally sick of dealing with it.
I don't know, all I do know is that its so hard to even leave the house. Even after I take my medication I'm still a ball of nerves and all I wanna do is crawl under the covers and hide.
I don't want that.
I wanna be going out at the drop of a hat, I don't want to have to miss out of things in my kids life because I'm paralyzed by fear.
It's really hard for people who haven't had to deal with it to understand what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
The best thing I can do to relate it is to ask that you imagine a time when you were so scared you were literally going to die and you had no control. The adrenaline rush, the feeling that your stomach and intestines were gonna fall out your ass, you couldn't breathe, maybe you thought you were gonna pass out.
Ok so take that feeling multiply it times about 75 and its close to what I feel most days.
And thats after taking medication, maybe the Xanax and klonopin combo isn't helping. I don't know.
I'm looking into Cognative Behavioral Therapy groups, hopefully one that can fit into my work schedule. I'm kind of at my wits end with this, I snap at people who don't deserve it because I'm suffering. And the worst part is it comes out of no where, it just starts and then I feel bad that I'm freaking out over nothing when people have real problems where they would be justified in feeling the way I do.
Some might suggest that my diet is upsetting my IBS. Who knows, I cut out all caffeine, I rarely eat any red meat. I've cut out most all alcohol, i haven't drank since the beginning of september i think and that wasn't more than two drinks. I haven't been able to eat much anyway. I wish I could alter my diet to get closer to vegetarian but I think it would reek havoc on my digestive tract even more until it gets use to the change. Unfortunately I don't have the time to wait out that craziness that I know will ensue. Its really hard to say, I have been keeping track of what makes everything worse and then cutting those things out, while slowly adding in things like spinach and carrots but I'm not seeing any positive differences.
I just want to be normal. I want to be able to go places and not be scared and want to escape or freak out if a bathroom is occupied even if I really don't need to use it, just seeing that I CANT use it makes me afraid that I'll have to before its open.
Its so hard to even go to work. I get anxiety every time I eat lunch then work. I think I've lost some weight from the anxiety and not being able to eat when i want to like I use to when I was in MPLS.
RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I'm just a whole mess of crazy. My poor kid and Suzy having to deal with me is gotta be hell.

OK RANT OVER.
In better news Suzy and I just looked at an apartment and we really like it. Its in Sun Prairie. Suzy won't be able to move in right away but I would be moving in about december 1st. My mom is gonna be a godsend and help out with rent for Suzy's half until she is able to move in/get out of her lease, hopefully John Michael can find someone to take Suzy's half of the lease very soon but that is up to him.
I've had a few interviews for jobs but nothing has panned out thus far, so kinda disheartening, I would love to be making more money but you never know, something good might magically come my way, nepotism seems to be how you get the best jobs. Not that you are actually qualified or not for them.
It will be nice not to live downtown Madison. The parking situation is awful here and we never take advantage of any of the perks of being down here right now, namely the party atmosphere.
I just wanna have a comfortable apartment that can be a sanctuary.