Sunday, October 2, 2011

What Will it Be Like When I get Old???

I'm getting fucking fat.
Relatively speaking of course but still.
Coming from being a boy who fluttered between 110lbs and 130lbs at my heaviest to now pushing 150, I can feel the extra weight. Pants fit tighter. I'm use to being forced to wear a belt to keep my pants up to considering a belt a "fashion accessory". All my shirts now accentuate my ponchy stomach. I don't know if my metabolism has finally caught up to me or being home so much of the time is causing this and I'm sure my affinity for desserts DOES NOT help the situation any.
In some circles or around certain people talking about this gets eye rolls and being told I look "healthy". Ok, I'm sure I do but adjusting to my new body is a bit tough as I would be for anyone of any weight. The prospect of getting new pants sucks, especially because finding my waist size and length is already enough of a daunting task let alone upping the waist without getting any taller is gonna be very difficult.
As much as I wasn't (can't say I am now either) healthy being so skinny but I was use to it. It felt normal. This doesn't feel normal. And I kinda don't want it to feel normal. I don't feel at all attractive. I don't much look different but FEEL loads different. Not ugly just unattractive.
 I gotta find a way to turn the ponch and pudge into muscle and then I think I would feel better about weighing more. I miss having the greenway right behind my old apartment and going to mile long bike rides. That was fine that I got toned and had a good time doing it.
Now its difficult to even lift the one 20lbs weight I have or do push ups. And now winter is going to be arriving far sooner than I would like so I won't even be able to go for walks unless I take Lucia to the mall and be one of those living dead mall walkers.
I just liked being short and skinny. Its a shock to put on a shirt and see a pot belly poking out. Surely it can be much worse, I could be one of those people who need to ride a "rascal" scooter because their ankles would buckle under the sheer enormity of their body mass. Luckly I'm not there and hope to never be. But I liked looking naturally kind of cut and boney even if it was because of my illness.
I'll adjust but I just wanna complain about it some first. I'm good at that.

So I'm rapidly coming up upon my 30th birthday which may be another reason I dislike my body changes. I've had only two birthdays that I can actually remember that were good.
My 27th and 28th respectively.
Why were they good? Well my MPLS friends made them special and made me feel important. I didn't feel that way when I turned 16 besides new freedom of driving.
Didn't feel that way when I turned 18, I remember that as sharing the day with the last episode of Seinfeld.
20 was spent with a girl I wanted that didn't want me.
21 I wasn't drinking so no fun stories there.
Quarter century mark I had been freshly left by my former fiancee'( though I did start the tradition of treating myself to new body art that year)
26th I can't even remember, I think I just got really fucking wasted.
Now 27 I spent with my amazing crew of friends at the CC Club and I was given a cake and lots of people showed up and we all got drunk together. I was so happy on that night.
28 was also spent with my crew of friends at the CC plus Suzy was there to share it with me so extra special there too and responsibility free still.
This past year 29 marked my first of many as a father. It was very lo-key, took in a movie while Suzy's mom watched Lucia.
This I'm hitting the 30 mark. I really want to do something special for it. I know it won't be with my MPLS friends because they barely speak to eachother anymore so I couldn't imagine the awkwardness that would follow.
If I was given a choice of anything it would be to get tattooed, either my back worked on or a new piece AND go to New York City for a couple of days. I went when I was in my early 20's and it was a total blast. I'd love to check out even more sights and have an adventure.
I don't see either of those really happening due to current financial situations but I really want to remember my 30th as something out of the ordinary.
Maybe besides bartending I'll find a full time job I can stand and save up and who knows maybe we'll be in a situation where we can buy a house. This is the other thing making me feel old. The real possibility of home ownership.
Our lease here ends at the end of May. We need more room so we would be looking for a duplex to rent unless pieces fall into place and we stumble upon a great deal on a house. I suppose I'd rather be putting money towards something I could "own" rather than just another apartment but there also brings upon many other monetary factors like upkeep, repairs, property taxes. Not to mention being "stuck" in one place.
Things that right now sound very overwhelming. Still it would be great to have room for all my stuff and not feel so fucking cramped. I'd love to have room to display my horror movie action figures and put up all my concert posters as well as paint rooms fun colors instead of drab "cream" or "eggshell" colors on the walls.
To get where I want to be, I've got alot to do. Dunno how fast I can get there but just gotta keep chugging along, see what happens.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Wanted: movie buddy.

I'm in need of a movie buddy. I've seen all my movies and watching them over again alone is really boring. Suzy works all day and when she comes home or is uninterested in watching any of the films I currently own.
I don't get out much since I'm in baby jail( baby watching in the apartment). I'd like to watch movies and talk about them to pass the time after the little one goes to bed. I find myself going to sleep at about 10pm even though I thoroughly love late nights but I'm so bored with playing video games or watching movies alone that I just give in and go to bed earlier than I normally would.
Its nice to get the extra sleep when I actually fall asleep soon after resigning myself to the bedroom but that doesn't happen so often. Mostly I go to bed and toss and turn for a few hours before having to get up and get Lucia back to sleep.
It would be nice to spend more of the darkness time enjoying it rather than settling to fall asleep out of sheer boredom.
I miss Monday movie nights for these reasons. I don't even need to drink while watching like we use to on movie nights back in MPLS. It would be really nice to have someone who shares my love of taking in films. I don't wanna force Suzy into sitting through movies she doesn't really give a rat's ass about. Plus she doesn't enjoy the fact that I like to talk about the movies I'm watching. In fact its probably one of the major reasons why she doesn't dig sitting through movie viewings with me.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Grown Up?!?

As of August 19th I'm someone's husband.
Crazy right?
I am also a Mr. Mom and a few nights bar tend in my hometown.
These are the good things in my life.
I'm still an irresponsible Toys 'R' Us kid.
That probably will never change.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I know I said I've Retired...

But I thought I would add one final item to this blog for the time being.
A glossary of what I go through on a daily basis. Help whoever reads this understand what I deal with, explain why I am the way I am and why my posts are usually quite pitiful and grey.

Its easier for my to type it out than explain it in person because I'm very good at hiding just how bad things can be since I tend to sugarcoat how much I can be in pain when I talk to others.  Sure, its obvious that I'm "in a mood" but the depths of it I cannot fully vebalize, so maybe this will help. I know I'm not alone but these afflictions make me feel lonely.

1st: Anxiety- This is what I deal with every waking moment. Its kind of like nervous anticipation except there is nothing to anticipate. I'm jittery, on edge and if a stressful thought as in something "financial" or "future events" a terror comes over me. Not just normal worry but full blown worst case senario. My mind has trained itself to do this. Doing normal everyday tasks is exhausting. This coupled with my depression( which I had thought gone away until recently) makes doing even menial tasks as though I've built a barn all by myself, absolutely tiring. I become like the walking dead.
This is every day, all day.
The medication I take for it lessens the problems but doesn't make them very much less consuming.
A good explaination not excuse but something I've realized is that the reason I cannot hold a job for an extended period of time is that at first I can "fake" my way through that I am fine and normal. Suppress the anxiety by throwing myself into the work but as the weeks go by my guard comes down and the anxiety fills be back up and my work really takes a nosedive. I cannot focus on work properly, my mind is fluttering back and forth faster than a hummingbird blinking. This causes my work to suffer and will either result in me getting fired or quitting because the stress is too much to bare.

2nd: Panic Attacks: this happens sometimes once a week, once a month, or in my case lately every other day. When these come on it starts with the terror of the anxiety i spoke about above, then it magnifies ten fold, sometimes one hundred fold.
I can't breathe well, as though I have a half ton truck parked right on my chest.
My heart beats at an ungodly rate which triggers these "waves" of adrenaline to pulsate through my body. I try to tell myself that "in 5 minutes the adrenaline will be metabolized in my body and I'll be fine". Sometimes this works other times my head is racing so fast that I cannot catch a positive thought to help alleviate the pressure I'm feeling.
Sometimes I need to escape. I do not know where but this feeling I need to "get out now" overwhelms me. I'll shake and pace around the room.
I've been told to touch the ground physically to "root myself". That only works on rare occasions.
Sometimes I just need to "use the restroom" extremely urgently. This feeling is one of the worst because if I get a panic attack driving or in a place where there is only one toilet it causes the panic to skyrocket. This is what keeps me from being spontaneous or going out with friends and family because of the possible panic attacks getting to this stage.
It can make my hands cramp up to the point that I cannot unclench them. Absolute white knuckle moment. All of my hurts and shakes at its worst. Or I babble because thoughts are racing in my head so fast that my mouth cannot keep up.

3rd: Depression: this one is new and old for me. I use to be depressed in high school and a bit after i graduated.
This HURTS like not a physical "ouch I broke my arm" hurt but the best way to describe I've figured is: think of the most embarrassing of shameful thing that has happened to you and multiply it by 50 and then imagine it radiating throughout your entire being. It just plain painful.
Sometimes I will get so low that dying sounds good. Now I'm not saying that it makes me want to kill myself... more like " if I had a heart attack right now and died I'd be ok with that, atleast the pain will end" No planning or anything just wishing the low feeling would go away. The low feeling is like being trapped in a coffin and you can feel every scoop of dirt being dumped onto the coffin. Nothing you can do to get out, you just have to lay there and know its happening.
I get wrapped up so much that I feel like I'm in a fog or some sort of robot going through the motions but without any enjoyment. Again I can sometimes "fake" that it isn't as severe as it actually is for others sake but I also don't have a very good poker face.

When this hits me as it has in the past week or two,I just want to sit in the shower and rock back and forth. Or not even get out of bed at all. Do what Brian Wilson did and stay in bed for a year.
BUT i can't. I've got bills to pay, a lady and a baby that depend on me. When I'm thinking clearly I know how lucky I am. I've got tons of blessings, friends who are amazing, a beautiful charming, lovely understanding fiancee and a healthy smiley daughter. The bad part is that I can't think about any of that when the depression and anxiety hits.
It makes me feel so selfish that I only think about myself and telling myself that others have it worse problems than me makes me feel guilty for being selfish and not being able to handle my problems, which only compounds the problem even further.

Today I'm feeling fine-ish, tomorrow could be worse, could be better, I don't know. Everyday I wake up its a game of Russian Roulette. Or better said in the movie The Big Lebowski, " strikes and gutters, ups and downs."
So I hope this might help anyone who cares to know what I go through on a day to day basis. I've gotta take each day one at a time as the come to me rather than look at the wide lens and trigger panic attacks or highly depressive episodes. There isn't anything anyone can DO for me besides listen if I feel the need to talk. Kind of what this blog is meant to do. Not for advice or pity just as some sort of electronic sympathetic ear.
Nothing more.
I'm looking forward though to when I'll be able to write upbeat posts on this site again. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

So Long And Thanks For All The Shoes...

So I'm temporarily abandoning this blog.
I started it as a way to help calm the word tornadoes that are constantly running through my brain. I've realized recently that its become basically a place for me to complain and vent. What it lacks are all the good things that happen in my life.
Spose it's human nature that the good parts are glossed over and all the shitty occurrences tend to stick out like sore thumbs.
My blog is full of sore thumbs.
I come here to vent and release word vomit to get it out of my head. Plain and simple, some sort of electronic diary that I seemed to ignore the glaring fact that OTHER people read it.
It's never been a cry for help when I complain as I've been dealing alot of issues for as long as I can remember and if needed help I am and have been plenty capable of asking when things get to be too much for me.
Not to fault those who do read my ramblings and want to help, its appreciated though that has never been the point of my writing here.
Everyone gets overwhelmed now and again and needs a healthy place to let off steam. Seeing as how I don't have much for skills or time that can alleviate the stressors in my life like painting or sports or what-have-you, I chose to write it out and flush it for my mind in small increments.
Things have been taken a bit to seriously so I think its time to shut this down for the time being and see if I can find some other healthy way to channel those times when things get too heavy for my shoulders to carry.
So here's to putting a cork on my word vomit hole.
Maybe I'll decide to reopen this at a later date but for now I'm off like a prom dress after two wine coolers.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Tuesday morning quarterback

I should really learn to stop complaining. Maybe then I'd be in a better headspace :-/

Monday, July 25, 2011

Case of the Mondays

Wow I've got a small amount of time to blog. Typical stuff. I've probably written this same blog 90 times just with slightly different words.
Not like I've got much to write about. I got to see some family last weekend and they got to meet Lucia, who was crabby most of the time because of the heat. We took her swimming and she didn't like that too much either.
I've taken the step down at work so I'm slowly not going to be an assistant manager much longer. I just can't deal with the stress of being a manager and the stress of being a dad. This kinda of makes me feel like a failure as I've gotten to the point that I get mentally exhausted alot easier these days. Suzy does more than me work-wise as well as at home and she manages to balance it yet I just feel like I can't do it.
I've started the work to get all my medical records so I can get a hearing for SSDI due to my daily level of anxiety. I've been denied twice but I've heard that is standard. Probably to weed out the people who think its just easy money. Hopefully they will see that this is not the case with me if I have the hearing.
I want to be working a full time job and be super-dad but I just fall short. I hate that I have to use the excuse of anxiety but it truly is that. I feel so mentally spent. I don't even have the energy to play video games when I get the few hours before bed when Lucia is sleeping.
I've got medication that keeps me from being stuck permanently on the couch but not much else.  I'm nearly 30, I feel like I should be so much further in life. Of course, if I had done the school thing, maybe I would be but yet I know so many college graduates that do about the same level of work as I'm doing. So getting excited about school is so far from my mind.

More than anything I am working on my patience as a father. I'm quickly annoyed like I experienced from my parents as a kid. I'm working on being more understanding and keeping my frustrations in check since I know Lucia is only a new person and even though it feels like she is playing games when she spits out her pacifier, i realize she is just learning how to work her tongue. Though sometimes its very hard to believe she isn't doing it just to hear herself cry.

Late Addition: I'm in a shitty mood today. No fucking reason either, just can't seem shake it. Wish I knew what my problem was.
Plus the thought of going to work tomorrow gets my anxiety raging. My heart starts pounding and I feel all shaky. Hopefully I'll shake it by the time I work tomorrow. 

Friday, July 15, 2011

Low Wages= high stress

Money money money...
Its weighing heavy on my mind.
My job is in flux. I'm thinking about going down stepping down as an assistant manager and I found out today that instead of stepping into a shift leader position, they will only let me be a plain minimum wage brand rep. No responsibility besides showing up for work but a dollar and change less an hour. Probably less hours as well.
I wouldn't think about it but Suzy has an option to get a 40 hour position at her job which makes considerably more money than me. Suzy and I have been trying to fit our work schedules around each others since we don't have the money (even with the cash we are making now) to hire a permanent babysitter and my job has been screwing with my schedule so much plus now we are down a manager so I've got extra hours that clash with Suzy's. Luckily, Suzy's mom and mine have helped out when possible but it still is getting pretty hard.
So that is why I've been toying with the idea of stepping down.
Its a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.
I've been looking for a bartending job so I might have a chance at getting hours that better fit our schedules. As I can't really see many other jobs that start around 6 or 6:30pm besides working at a bar. It was a fun gig when I did it briefly last summer.
I just don't have a clue as to what I should do. I'm just so fucking sick of jobs dicking me around but what would I expect seeing as I'm working paycheck to paycheck type jobs.
So it goes...

Another thing is I'm missing Minneapolis. I just miss being within walking distance to so many places and friends. I miss biking places instead of driving.
I know that if I were to ever move back it wouldn't be quite as carefree and constant fun times like my last stay in the Mini Apple but I would still like to be there. Hopefully in the somewhat near future we'll get to make it back up there and most likely permanently. I'd give up warm weather for good friends that Lucia can grow up around.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You look like someone just shook up your ant farm...

You know that saying "if it's yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down"?
Well I can't fucking stand it when its yellow from a lady. Why would the gender matter?
Because girls or this specific girl at work I should say tends to leave this pile of wet used slightly canary yellow mound of used tissue paper in the front of the toilet like a papery beached whale. So when I go in to use the bathroom I have to use my stream to push it out to sea.
I find it highly disgusting.
How do I know its this particular girl? Well never happens unless she is working.
Actually I really hate it when people don't flush. Its not like we are on a tour bus or some place where it needs to be pumped. Yuck.
Speaking of work
So I took myself down to a lower position at work. I couldn't deal with the gossiping and snotty notes left instead of flat out talking to me in person. I didn't dig how all of that was adding to my anxiety and stress, I'm already ungodly tired just from taking care of Lucia (even if Suzy is the one who really bears the brunt of the child care, its still exhausting) then I come to work and get pissy notes on how I don't do anything correctly but it isn't mentioned when I am face to face with my supervisor.
I hate that I will be making less money but I will have more chances for flexability in my schedule and my anxiety level should be considerably lower. Yes, yes, I know that I need to find something that does a better job at supporting my family and I am open to that but Suzy and I are still planning on some time in the somewhat near future moving(fingers crossed for Austin TX) so I do not want to get held up in a job that requires a large commitment of time when I may leave shortly after. It won't look good on my resume so I'm going to do my best to stick it out here so that when I do go for a new job it shows that I can last at somewhere longer than 4 months, even if I am somewhat unhappy there. I don't have a college degree so longevity has to be one of my attributes to stand out when interviewing for other jobs in the future.

Other than that, I took Lucia for her first small trip without Suzy in the car. Just to the west side of Madison to my doctor's and back. She did very well. Then on Tuesday I had to take her to her doctors so she could get her jabs of vaccine. She DID NOT like that. Her scream sounded alot like a fire engine. Piercing and blood curdling. Glad I was there and not Suzy or I woulda had two crying women to deal with.

Thats the extent of my world right now. enjoy. I am trying to.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

There's a thunderstorm in your soul...

Happy Birthday Ash or I should clarify, Bruce Campbell. Thank you for so many awesome and even for the awesomely bad movies. In celebration I have added a "Evil Dead" movie poster that hangs right above Lucia's crib in hopes that she will come to appreciate him in all his large chinned glory as much as I do.

Looks like Suzy is coming down with something so I have to play SuperDad tonight and probably for the next couple of days til she starts feeling better. Gonna have to wake up hella early for a feeding after staying up late tonight. Then I am so privileged to work an eight hour shift though my job is far from hard, more monotonous than anything. Then come back to be Superdad, rock a morning shift at the mall then hopefully some rest.

I got Suzy to play me in some Mortal Kombat last night. It was actually alot of fun even though she lost a bunch but I bet after some practice she'll start kicking my ass.

I've been feeling mildly better as far as mood goes these days. I think its due to Lucia getting more personable and smiley and far far less cranky each day. That is a big help. Still get my panic fits pretty regularly but I'm living with em best I can do right now.
Saw the Dr. for a quick diagnosis for possible SSDI and I was totally surprised at the fact that so little was done at the appointment. It was a quick in and out visit that I don't think really even checked out what is wrong with me. It was much more akin to a sobriety test than to check to see how severe my digestion issues actually are. So who the hell knows with that.

I would really love to go for a ride on my bike or even to take my longboard out for a small amount of time. I hate being stuck in the house so much of time. It would be nice to take Lucy places more often but I feel so limited, I only can get through work because otherwise we'd have no place to live.
Ok, ok, enough pissing and moaning, even I can only take listening to myself complain for so long, everyone else must be absolutely sick of it. haha.

I am really looking forward to trying to, despite the anxiety and panic stuff, get up to MPLS to see everyone as well as get some tattoo work done by Miss Arson(Emily). I've seen her work progress and she has come along way from her work on my Mario tattoo which I love but needs touching up to the work she is doing now. Glad I got to be one of her guinea pigs. Can't wait to get some more done sooner rather than later.

The thunderstorms were pretty cool last night though I do love it when it is accompanied by much more lightning with the downpours. As long as it doesn't knock out power in my area I am more than happy to watch massive storms rumble through. Easily one of the best parts of summertime are the storms .

Monday, June 20, 2011

Any Day Above Ground is a Good Day.

Is it sad that I actually want to see "The Green Lantern"? It looks pretty dumb but yet I still wanna see it. hmmm... as far as comic book geek-dom goes I am not that familiar with the Green Lantern's backstory or villains except for what I saw in the Justice League cartoon that played a few years back on TV. Plus Ryan Reynolds just looks ridiculous as a superhero. I could buy him as Deadpool because well, Deadpool is ridiculous on purpose but otherwise just doesn't seem like the type.
AND I even sorta want to watch the new Transformers! What the hell is wrong with me? My tastes in movies have really started changing. I am much more into watching mindless movies over cerebral films these days. I did watch and really enjoy The King's Speech but more often than not in the past year/ year and a half I've preferred Rambo or some terrible Michael Bay junk to indie flicks. Like right now I'm half watching XXX with Vin Diesel on netflix instant instead of a ton of other more interesting movies that are on my queue.
I feel kinda dirty. Ahhhhh well.
So today I'm spending the whole day with Lucia since Suzy is having her first day back to work. Right now she is napping in her little lamb side swing. The one that takes 4 fuckin D batteries to run which last maybe two weeks at most. I wonder if they make rechargeable D batteries? I should check and see. Would save me alot of money since its the easiest way to get Lucia to calm down or nap.
Suzy and Lucia got me a really nice pair of blueish, brownish, and black stone 3/4th plugs for my ears for Father's Day. The look pretty sharp when I put them in.
Still don't FEEL like a dad yet. I mean I have all the responsibilities but for some reason it's like I'm babysitting someone else kid for a really extended period of time. Maybe when she starts talking or walking and consciously comes to me is when it will finally sink in.
I dunno.
Go to the Dr. tomorrow to get looked at for my stomach. The only thing that sucks is that in the past two weeks I've gained 5 pounds from my new "head meds". Thats not bad in and of itself but I lost close to 30 pounds since this time last year from my stomach issues and anxiety and I don't want my SSDI claim to be ruined because a medicine made me gain weight when all the problems still exist. Hopefully the doc will see that I am dealing with some real problems and help me out. We'll see I guess.
I'm trying to adopt a new mantra to keep me in better spirits..."Any day above ground is a good day" it works I think. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Babies, Hostel, Work. What else do you expect.

Got some time during nighttime baby duty to do a catch up blog, well that and watch Hostel. Even though I'm not really watching Hostel as much as listening to it and glancing up at it from time to time.
Lucy is getting slightly easier to predict by the day. Her patterns of sleep and levels of grumpiness are much easier to anticipate. Though sometimes she throws a curveball at us, its not nearly as bad as the first few weeks.
I've been reading "Punk Rock Dad" by the former lead singer of Pennywise. It helps to read about the trials and tribulations of raising a daughter somewhat non-traditionally from a guy's point of view. Helps to relate a bit.
Anyways
Suzy and Lucia(by proxy) got me a great pair of stone plugs for Father's day. Yeah its early but neither Suzy nor I can wait til the actual occasion to give presents. Both of us are gonna have to learn better how to when it comes to birthday and christmas presents for Lucia.
I've just been accepted to start writing for a music/movies/other random pop culture blog that is based out of the Twin Cities called Switchbladecomb. I'm kind of excited since I have been keeping tabs on it since they started a few years ago and two of the founding contributing writers I know. It means I'm going to shelf PodsOrgODS for a while but I'm fine with that right now since this has a larger readership so I feel like I'm actually writing for a real audience.
Thus far I've only done one post but I will slowly start adding more to this site as the days and weeks move ahead.
Work. Well work is getting stressful since my selling prowess seems to be in question as well as my status as assistant manager for the reason that I have to have somewhat of a set schedule now that Suzy is heading back to work and we want to avoid having to find a permanent babysitter for Lucia right now. If we had to find a full time babysitter my entire paycheck would have to paying for that so then it would bring up the question of "why work at all?" I could just watch her at home full time and have the same amount of money. My boss is trying to help by scheduling me around Suzy's work hours but we'll see how long that lasts. Otherwise I'll get busted down to "senior brand rep" which is less money but much much less responsibility and pressure so there are good and bad to that as well. More money is winning out at this point.
Plus it sucks cuz one of the brand reps that I really enjoyed working with got a job elsewhere and will be leave this week. Lamesauce.

I've finally got a Dr. appointment for my digestive ailments via Social Security Disability Insurance. Its more to deem my ailments worthy of compensation or to see if I'm fit as a fiddle and they can deny my claim. I am no where near fine and dandy and hopefully the Doc i see agrees. The sucky part is its in Beaver Dam which I've never been to and its at 8am. I am so absolutely not a morning person. I'll be so out of it and tired. But its worth it overall.

Hmmm... not sure what else is new. Just same ole' same ole', sitting around the house, watching movies, pulling night time baby duty, and working. I lead an absolutely exciting life. No wonder all I want to do is sleep all the time.

That seems to be the gist of my existence currently so...yeah... i'm done. 

Monday, May 30, 2011

A late night of taking out the mental garbage. (alternate title: talking out my ass past midnight)

So I don't post on here nearly as often as I use to. Sometimes I miss venting and ranting on this but more often than not my stream of consciousness rambling gets blown out of proportion because what amounts to word vomit on this blog gets taken far too seriously or just enough that I have to spend far too much time further explaining myself more thoroughly and more often than not it isn't worth it. But tonight since Lucy is in and out of sleep so I'm going to be awake for a while I might as well spew out a few random things that have been going on in my life and in my head.

Summertime is here. Can't believe how much hail I've seen in the past two weeks, I think more than I've seen in my entire lifetime.
My birthday has past by and I'm slightly saddened by how few friends even said "Happy Birthday" via any number of social networking websites let alone phone, email or text. Not that I really find my birthday a big deal but the previous 3 years I was made to feel really special on it and this year only Suzy, my mom, her mom and a very small handful of others even noticed. Spose I just had slightly higher expectations is all.
The next one is the big 30. I am really hoping that somehow Suzy and I can celebrate it with a couple days in New York. I really want to go back and she has never been there. It would be such a great and memorable way to mark 30 years in the world.
We got a chance to have a night off a few days after my birthday to have a movie/date night which was sublime.
Work is work. Its money and not terribly stressful, most of the time at least. Wish I was managing a movie theater more but at very least the hours on this job are generally much better, I'm done with work far before midnight which I wouldn't be if I were doing the theater thing.
Getting a handle on this parenting thing is making more sense thanks to a friend turning us on to "The 5 S's", it really made a world of difference.
Though sometimes I do want to slap all those people who told me I'd make an excellent father because I feel like I'm mediocre at best. Mornings are horrible for me, I'm crabby, Lucia's crabby... not the best mix in the world but Suzy's been absolutely amazing with everything even when I snap at her when she tries to jump in and take over every time Lucy cries while I'm taking care of her. I've got to figure some of this stuff out on my own otherwise I'm going to be completely lost when she goes back to work. Suzy has her so much of the time she has most all of the tricks down so she tends to hover around me when Lucy begins to whimper.
I do have a slightly different style, I'll let Lucy cry if she needs to, I won't let her cry by herself but if she is being held and needs to freak out then I can handle a few minutes of wailing. I feel horrible that she is screaming like a banshee but I need to find out if she can figure out to self soothe. So far its rare but she will sleep quite well once she calms down.
Even so my heart still breaks listening her cry like she does.
I'm super happy we've figured out how to keep her docile most of time. She has her freak outs but nothing like the first two weeks. I'm still very excited once she becomes more animated and interested in the world around her. I need to learn some more patience, I want her to grow up but not like super fast, just enough to where I know how to entertain easier.

I've been pretty moody lately and I don't think its just being new parent things. I get these really low days, where I don't wanna leave the house or even leave the bed but then I'll have days when, despite the general large amounts of anxiety i experience daily, smelling the fresh air standing on the patio in the sunlight or just doing a shift at work feels great and I'm happy as can be.
It's really random. It can flip on a dime too, some days I'll wake up frustrated and everything is irritating with no provocation yet others I am so excited to play with Lucy even if she is being a pissy-pants.
I know everyone has times similar to this, probably most new parents go through this but I think it could be more than that. Maybe I'm just not fully equipped to deal with true responsibility and this is like some sort of mental growing pains or maybe its more of my anxiety and panic issues manifesting itself in other forms, I have no idea so I'm going to see my Dr. this coming week and see what he says.
Not so much for me but for Suzy and Lucy, neither of them need to deal with any of my mood swings. I know Suzy notices when I'm feeling shitty and does her best to make me feel better but its not her job to do so. She has more than enough on her plate than to take care of me too. Its bad enough that I feel like I'm not pulling my own weight around here since I am at work so often and Suzy has the baby to take care of as well has help out on the bills.
All I really want is to get a handle on whatever the hell is going on with me so I can make things that much easier and relaxed for Suzy as well as myself.

So yeah... I should start to get myself sorted out soon, i hope. Then maybe I can enjoy the majority of the summer. Doesn't look like we'll be making any trip to Minneapolis anytime soon. We're thinking that waiting until Lucia is a couple months older and more in a rhythm makes the most sense. I really wanna get up there to see everyone but there are more pressing matters down here like taking care of the Lu-bear.

Hoping that maybe I'll get down to Summerfest for a night. Alkaline Trio and the Meat Puppets are playing on the same night on the free stages. That could be a heap of fun. And as much as I hate being in large crowds and far from home it will do both Suzy and me tons of good to see something other than the couch, netflix instant, or Target.

Well, the little one is finally sleeping decent so I'm going to try and get some as well.
I hate that I actually have to write this BUT anyone reading, don't read too deeply into anything. Sometimes a boy's gotta vent and this blog is far cheaper than a shrink. Though I ought to know better since its far to easy to over-analyze words on the internet when there isn't any tone or inflection to tell when there is sarcasm, exasperation, or glee behind each sentence.
OK I'm tired, like a lightbulb I'm burnt out. (door creaks closed)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Parenting be hard yo.

I've been internet lazy lately.
I'm on it but no energy to do any sort of update on any of the THREE of the sites I contribute to. I feel like I'm neglecting things. Sad that I feel some obligation to share with the world when most of it could give a rats ass about what I have to say. Guess it's a "you give, we take" relationship.

Anyway. SO I am a dad. No more waiting. Thats the good part. Now I can eat when I want because more likely than not if I am not working I'm at home and have quick access to the bathroom which helps tremendously. I do go a bit stir crazy being at home and not wanting to watch my movies or play my video games even though I do it out of habit more than anything. I've been reading some when I get a small chance, few pages here and there.
Largely I've been avoiding the news because oh so pathetically, I can't get myself to care enough anymore. Nothing changes, same old wool being pulled over everyones eyes so the poor are pitted against the poor and the rich get richer so why exasperate myself further by hearing about it. I'd rather immerse my mind in movie news. I find that infinitely more interesting.
Baby news. Lucia is doing well. She sleeps alot, eats even more and then pisses and moans when she is awake and alert.
Makes me feel like an asshole sometimes how frustrated I get when I've done everything I can and she is still fussy. I'm sooooooooo looking forward to when she starts becoming a happy smiley baby that can be entertained by simple things.
I am great with one year olds and above but I've had zero experience with newborns until now. I knew it was gonna be a lot of work. I have to give Suzy so fucking much credit. She has the patience of a saint and does whatever she can to make things easier. Hopefully soon Lucia will start to get in a routine and relax some so she will take more of a shine to me, right now its mom and daughter bonding mostly. She hardly wants anything to do with me because I am boob-less so laying on my chest is not comforting to her. She only is content with me when I am feeding her.
It will get better. I am counting the days til I'm as entertaining as she finds Suzy. Just wish I could be more useful with Lucia without getting so quick tempered. My mom was like that when I was first born then once she calmed down my dad was the hot-head in the family so its tough for me to fight through those moments of sheer annoyance or frustration. I'm trying my best but sometimes it overwhelms me. I am so lucky Suzy is there and likes to take over at those moments. Not like I'd do something stupid like "shake the baby" but I just have times when I need to walk away from the situation and recollect myself because babies sense when you are getting annoyed and they act accordingly to ramp up the situation. Which is where the taking a time out to relax and start over helps and if Suzy wasn't such a saint I'd be lost.

I'll be working my entire birthday weekend since we lost the other assistant manager at work and as we are training a new one my manager is taking this weekend for vacation. At-least all my shifts this week minus my weekend shifts are short. I'll have to celebrate my birthday the following Tuesday I guess. I'll make it through, though I really wish I were spending my birthday weekend with my MPLS friends, but most of them aren't really on speaking terms with each-other anymore so it might be awkward when I do see them all again.
Ahh well.
Time to take the garbage out then head on out to work.
I'm off like a prom dress after two wine coolers.

I'll try and update again soon.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I'm an impatient sonofabitch

Bahhh, I'm sick of waiting.
I shouldn't be but I am. I know what I'm in store for, sleepless nights, crying (hopefully not me), dirty diapers, doctors appointments, all that jazz but still I would rather get the show on the road than sit around twiddling my thumbs.
I hate not having control of a situation. It drives me crazy. And my daughter does not want to cooperate. She seems to be content staying where she is. We've heard and tried all the "old wives tales" and yes we have also heard that "the first one is always late" but still I like to have a plan for things, the car is already packed, her room is set up now we just need HER.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know already that I am not going to be able to plan anything anymore. "Kids throw a monkey wrench into all the plans" blah blah.
Doesn't mean it doesn't bother the living shit out of me that I have no idea or when she is arriving.
Plus constantly being asked about it and then trying to plan my work schedule for the coming week or two. Its fucking frustrating. Suzy's annoyed. I'm annoyed.
And the last thing I want to be is annoyed with this situation. I wanna be so happy and up beat and excited but its just so hard when we have our hopes up that she will come soon and nothing is happening. No progress.
So please don't ask me anything more about the baby. I'll talk about the baby when she is here. I can't take anymore of the questions.

Probably isn't helping either that I can't afford the medication I was taking that helped calm my moods so I wasn't so anxious/nervous/panicky. I had to switch to a cheaper medication that I only took once because I had side effects that are no conducive to not having a plan of action. Without any TMI basically taking the new med destroyed my digestive system and made me feel like i had the flu for the next day.
I am going to try and take it again and let it work through my system once we are back from the hospital and things have settled down some.
But right now I'm kind of rudderless so my emotions are bouncing off the walls of myself.
I have my fingers crossed as tight as I can get em that I'll be accepted for SSDI so I'll have good insurance again and can afford my meds and doctor appointments.
How amazing would that be.
Other than that, I've just been working part-time as an Assistant manager at a clothing store. Its cool that I got promoted so fast. I'm trying my best but sometimes its really hard to be super chipper and motivated to sell people stuff. I usually pick a couple things that I would personally buy and just push those items. That works the best for me, we don't get commission so its not like I have to throw my arms around the neck of every customer which would nauseate me to no end if I had to. I probably sound like a broken record whenever anyone comes in there. Atleast I have gotten past the sounding like I'm reading a script phase.
So the job is pretty decent.
My knee has been just destroyed though, I've even took to wearing a knee brace while I work but to no avail. Its really sad because I don't think I'm going to be able to do much biking this summer and I don't see my longboard getting any use either because the knee that's killing me is on the leg that I use to push off with.
Wow, I haven't bitched this much on this blog in a while. I spose it's all just been building up and I hit the "vent" button.
Damn do I ever need it. Though probably not the smartest to vent on a site that anyone can access. It'll get overblown or used against me somehow. I've noticed that the internet is ripe with that. Somehow I just don't give a shit. It feels nice to lay it all out in written word in front of me.
Speaking of written word, I haven't made any progress in the "short story or whatever it end up" project. Still at like 19 pages I think. I haven't had any sparks to continue it as of late. Maybe its because I'm working on the " www.podsorgods.blogspot.com " a bit more though that slowed some as there isn't a whole lot of interesting info worth telling people about. Here and there I find something entertainment-wise that I like or relates to the Midwest area that is worth a rant or two. Meh. Its a hobby.

Ok I'm gonna make like Lucia should be doing and head out.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Its finally coming...

God damn it is so warm and beautiful outside.
All I wanna do is ride my bike today but first it needs some TLC. I gotta get the chain, sprocket and everything all lubed up and running properly again. I wanna polish up the rims and get the rust off it.
Instead I have to work for a few hours then tour the hospital where we are having Lucia.
Speaking of the baby, should be about a week and then we will have a little one to take care of.
Its getting close and still so surreal.
I am excited for once she hits the 6 month mark and is more responsive to stimuli. I've already bought her the first book I'm going to read to her as a bedtime story when she gets about a year old. Incase you are curious, its the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I think its a great fairytale type story. Lots of wonder and adventure and humor.
But I've gotta go be a mallrat so I'm keeping this short and sweet.

Still working on articles for the www.podsorgods.blogspot though I've slowed a bit since there hasn't been that much interesting news to write or rant about. Might have to start doing some more album reviews or something.
Anyways time to make like a baby and head out.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

So this is what they mean by nesting...

We've been slowly over the past few days been rearranging the apartment to make the most of the space we have.
I have new shelving for my movies in the living room and it looks nicer but I really wish it would have been able to store more of them. But it looks good to have my record player up on top of the shelves.
We moved back the kitchen table to make more room. It feels more open but I'm guessing once all the baby stuff is layed out we'll still hardly be able to walk around this place.
Its looking like I'm going to be getting more responsibility at work. More hours and on Tuesday I open the store which I have yet to do. I open tomorrow but with a manager as well. Tuesday I'm the shift leader. Hard to believe since I've only been there a few short weeks.
Speaking of a few weeks, its only that much longer til Lucia is here and the apartment smells like a cats litterbox, air freshener and sour milk. Its nerve raking but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it after a month or so. Poor girl's gotta deal with me fumbling around til I get past the learning curve.

So I've been spending some time getting my new blog up and running but its still in its infancy and my readership is just not catching on as much as I would like. Hopefully it builds up eventually.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Everything's comin up Milhouse...

Well, its been a while since I blogged on this as I've been busy setting up a new site that is geared towards entertainment and pop culture type stuff.
its www.podorgods.blogspot.com if anyone is interested. I've been adding tons of stuff over the past few days. So check it out, tell me it sucks, tell me its killer, i don't care just share it with other people so I get my readership up. I know, I know, shameless plug, but thats what you gotta do sometimes I suppose.

In other news the baby shower was a pretty nice success and now we have to find time to sit down and write out proper thank yous so we can mail em out within the next week or so.
Started my job at PacSun and its pretty decent. The hours are short enough for shifts so I don't get overwhelmed.
I've been trying to get in to see a doctor for my stomach issues to satisfy Suzy bugging me that something is more wrong with my digestive system more than just the IBS. Its takin awhile to get an appointment. Eventually I'll get one. No worries.
Next thing on the agenda of life is baby-time. its fast approaching. I packed up the diaper bag, got the carseat base installed in my car, still gotta get it hooked up proper in Suzy's vehicle. If only the weather didn't go to total shit I'd do it this weekend. I'd prefer to wait til the warm sunny stuff returns to spend any extended amount of time outside. I had enough freezing my ass off while working at Avis for a good long while.
I spose that's about it at the moment. Nothing much else new that I can think of...
-baby shower
-new blog
-new job
yup. that sums it up for the time being. I've spent far too much time writing on my other blog to ramble any more on here.
Ta-ta

Monday, March 7, 2011

Can it be spring yet?

Wow, looks like I broke over 100 entries. Didn't realize I've written that many. I can't even remember starting this site so I spose it make sense that I've posted that many times.
Disclaimer: not looking for pity, just emptying my head. Gotta do it from time to time and this is my outlet. This is just stream of consciousness rambling, hey it's simply cheaper than a shrink.

Nothing particularly new, well... I did file for SSDI(social security disability insurance) on account that the panic and anxiety has become bad enough that its hard to deal with even with medication. I've got a bunch of nervous energy so I've been trying to workout to tire myself out so I'm not all twitchy and nervous. Does helps slightly but nothing is really cutting it. I'm gonna work with the Dr. to see if there is something else that might help more but I'm so weary of being bumped up on meds that I'm in a stupor. I wish I could figure out how to take this anxiety and make it manageable.
I can't even invite people over or go over to anyone's house without feeling totally freaked out. Not to mention eating most foods whether its junk food or stuff that's suppose to be healthy for me, it makes me feel so bloated and uncomfortable that just ramps my anxiety into overtime. Even hanging out at home leaves me feeling apprehensive. It's pretty near when I first started getting them and couldn't leave the house. I've got elevated anxiety probably 5 days of the week give or take and am in panic mode one or two of those. No caffeine, no booze, no chocolate and it makes small difference.
I really feel lazy to file for this but after reading the qualifications on the website, I fit the bill to a "T" with a little to spare. Just gotta wait and see if the SSA agrees with me. It's suppose to take 3 to 5 months to find out. Like I said I feel lazy about filing but it sure would be a godsend if it goes through, it would take a lot of pressure off me.

Impending fatherhood is also a big load on my mind as it is drawing very near. I'm afraid that I'm gonna finish something to eat and then Suzy is gonna go into labor so I'll be in a full blown panic attack while trying to deal with getting her to hospital or meeting her their if she isn't at home.
I am very excited to finally meet Lucia but its is overwhelming sometimes to think that within a month or so I will be someone's father for the rest of my life.
Very strange to think about.
We have the baby shower this weekend. Which I think is cementing the reality of the situation for me. Not that I'm complaining about this major change in my life I'm just worried about being a good enough parent. Thoughts of taking her to school in the mornings and dentist appointments, school plays and those things pop in my head and get me wondering what type of dad I'll be. Makes me hope that my anxiety doesn't cause me to miss out on things.

Otherwise I've taken up playing Rock Band 2 again (getting my dexterity back) and watching the BBC show "Torchwood" for those who don't know its kind of like a british "X-Files". Its pretty interesting and a decent replacement now that i've made it through all 6 seasons of "Lost" again. Kind of wish that Netflix instant would add the "Twin Peaks" series or 'Carnivale". I'm trying to find shows that last more than half hour and I haven't seen yet.
Harder said than done.
Also I threw down 6 more pages on my project. Not a huge dent but its nice to slowly have something to work on.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

International Wordage Blockade.

Major case of writer's block.
There are plenty of topics I could go on a rant about but I don't wanna start some big argument amongst the people I know or who read this. And I'm sick of all the tensions that have been building in this neck of the woods in the past week or week and a half.
I'm just trying to survive the random panic attacks and the fear of impending fatherhood. That latter is normal and I'm sure will pass and the former is also become somewhat normalcy not that I want it to be.
I'm trying to combat all this with keeping my mind busy with video games and rewatching the entire Lost series. To try and burn off extra nervous energy I'm lifting my one 20 pound weight and doing push ups. It helps slightly but anything to help is a plus.

Valentines Day was good. Getting out to go see Against Me! with Suzy was a good distraction as well.

I'm hoping that i'm done burning off some bad karma for right now and some blessings in disguise will emerge soon.
Until then I'm just gonna keep on pluggin along and do my best to manage and maintain to the best of my ability.
Thats all I got cuz i'm about to hit this writer's block wall again. I've got nothing sassy or witty to add to this. Check back some other time when I might have something more entertaining to read.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Ramble on...

So I've found myself a new hobby.
Its something I've kicked around in my head for a while and I'm beginning to actually focus and have actually embarked on this adventure.
Ok, well what the hell am I talking about?
A story.
Well it might someday be a book, or a short story or novella or who the fuck really knows. Maybe I'll lose interest and abandon it. Dunno but its something.
I can write somewhat well in short burst, very well suited for the blog world but working on a real narrative... thats a freaky thing.
Verbally I'm a terrible storyteller because I get tripped up on my thoughts vs my tongue. They like to fight each other. Or I get distracted and lose what I was thinking and it blows away in the wind.
In contrast, when I write I can pour out what is in my head then make sense of it after the fact.

I have a feeling that whatever this writing project I am working on might end up reading like a Seinfeld episode where it's a bunch of nothing really happens.
My stories tend to be anti-climactic. I have a hard time maintaining any sort of story arc, in high school I could bullshit my way through anywhere between 4 to 8 pages but anything more than that and I would falter but so far I have 9 pages written.
At this point my mind is a buzz with ideas of what to write but getting it in any discernible order might be some trouble.
My grammar and punctuation skills will be put to the test. God knows how many run on sentences I can rattle off. Might even be whole chapters that are not much more than one rambling sentence with shit-ton of commas to keep it rolling. That'll be the point in which I'll come to someone for editing advice.
No one is going to read it until I really get balls deep into the story. I won't even let Suzy read it until I feel its anything worth the effort. That could very well be years at the pace I'm going. Hopefully I'll get inspired with a burst of wordage soon. Right now its just piecing the ideas into a functioning narrative.
My literary heroes make it seem so easy, I do get worried that I might be too verbose or sound like I'm trying to hard to sound smart or witty. Charles Bukowski layed it out plain as can be, Chuck Klosterman oozes wit without making it seem like it takes a second thought, and Chuck Palahniuk's better work can blindside you with a twist in the story arc that is just... well... intimidating. I don't have any illusions that I would be compared them in any glowing way. I just hope against hope that if and when I finish this project that it won't read like a second rate version of those I hold in high esteem. It's a hard thing to fathom that I could very well pour my heart and soul into something and it turn out to be absolute drivel but you have to take those atoms this life makes up and set them in motion to create energy, some sort of explosion. I'm slightly nervous to read anything from now on so it doesn't inadvertently glom on to my way of thinking and influence whatever I put down. I'm sure that I'm already tainted but if I can focus that into finding my own voice then we may have a winner winner and a I may even get a chicken dinner.

I'm just happy that I am finally starting this. Small start but it's a purpose.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Add another reason to love days off...

I spent today making belly art. I'm pretty terrible with a paint brush but I managed to eek out this meager excuse for art.
Hope Lucia loves seeing it as much as I enjoyed working on it.
Suzy was a trooper sitting for about 2 hours even though painting her belly was in general her idea. I chose the first attempt at a subject. Next time she wants me to do something more abstract and colorful.
So here is the first attempt.








Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ya'll don't know what it's like, being male lower-middle class and white...

I don't really like to admit this freely but today I just feeling like fucking crying.
Frustrations are kicking my ass.
I feel like I'm going to be stuck in shit jobs my whole life. I mean I don't expect or really want to have some suit n' tie job or anything but I always heard growing up and in school how I had this limitless potential and I was too smart for my own good but fuck, how come I can't seem to tap into any of this supposed potential?
I live exclusively in my brain. The only other part of my body that I really feel is my stomach. Probably explains my high tolerance for pain.
Living life in your mind is a curse.
First off, it never turns off. I'm always thinking and rethinking the minutiae of everyday events ad naueum. It keeps me from making any real choices or taking actions because I stutter step on all the possible outcomes (usually highlighting the negative rather than the positive). I rarely hear what others are saying or can retain it for any length of time because I'm too focused on own thoughts that swirl rapidly in and out of my head.
For instance today I had an interview at Captel and before you get to the normal question and answer part of the process you must first do a skills test to prove you can perform the job. You listen to what is being said and relay it somewhere close to two words after what is being spoken.
I hear the first part of what is being spoken but then my mind starts listening to myself and I miss parts of what is being spoken to me, then I get caught up in my own thoughts that kick in. I can't just go blank and listen and relay like I need to.
No good. I feel like I failed. I know I get one more retest after I practice the skills and if I get it right I then get to the normal interview portion. It's just such a letdown. I have high expectations for myself and I can't seem to meet them.
Recently I was tested for ADHD and tested remarkably high for the likelihood that I have it in some form. Maybe this is why I'm stuck in my head like a turtle in his shell with all the leg and head holes superglued shut. I'm hoping that addressing this issue, I might unlock myself and be able to focus and be more prepared to succeed in the job market.
I use to be management material but I cannot find a job here that values the work skills I have accrued over the past 15 years of working. Instead I'm stuck as a glorified car janitor making what I made when I was a junior in high school. I know I'm worth much more than that but I just have no way to find a career path that I'm cut out for.
There would be no problem with accepting some of these lesser jobs except with a child on the way I can't take the easy route that I've always gone with. Not that its been easy to begin with. Getting myself out of my head is a vey difficult task.
The obvious answer would be "COLLEGE" but I've tried that. There is no way to succeed in college is you can't get yourself out of your fucking head. Otherwise all I do is sit and question why. Why is this homework necessary? What is this busy work preparing me for?
Plus anything I'm interested in pursuing as far as a degree won't make me a dime. I'll have a fancy piece of paper but it would be just an extra fancy toilet paper.
Our society doesn't MAKE anything anymore. We are banks and stock brokers, turning money into more money but not actually making anything tangible. Ask yourself, can you touch our debt that China owns? Can you physically see it?
No.
Jobs that help people or create things are few and far between. I have an abundance of customer service experience but what does that do? Its great if I had some other skills to couple with that service experience. Alas I never developed that. Every job wants you to have experience in whatever field they specialize in but how do you gain that experience. College can't be the only answer since the economy and job market thrived in times when the rate of people going to college was sitting just below or near 50%. So how did they acclimate themselves to field of employment. My guess would be on the job training. Now days businesses trying to maximize their profits see on the job training as nothing but a costful measure that isn't needed. Therefore they help prop up the college degree requirement. It also helps them in the sense that going to college puts you in debt, so when you end up working somewhere you are essentially "stuck" working for the company and have no lateral room to go elsewhere for fear that you won't be able to pay off your debts. Its ingenious and devious at the same time.
So where does this leave me?
Only qualified for shit jobs as well as locked up in my own head like Rapunzel locked in the tower except the guards just shaved my head.
Madison is a shit town for employment. And I'm a piss poor interviewee because all I can do is trip over myself anytime I get a leg up.
All I want is a decent paying job that makes me want to wake up and go to. Something fun or at least with co-workers I enjoy spending my workday with. Preferably casual dress. Decent benefits that don't cost half my paycheck to buy into. I don't expect to have some amazing job or anything. Just something that doesn't make it feel like nails on a chalkboard each day I head to work.
Seems fair. I am not against doing real work as long as I'm not the only one working like what happens a lot of the time at my current job. I loved working at a movie theater but alas there aren't any that are hiring right now and I can't afford to accept a job working the concessions stand. I'd love to be an assistant manager of a movie theater or movie rental store even. Things I have an extensive knowledge of. Too bad every time I try to get in a place like that I'm denied.
Maybe getting out of this place will open me up to new and better opportunities.
The feeling of needed to scream is overwhelming today. So is the feeling of needing to cry. And I don't cry easily.
I feel so defeated right now.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Days like these...

Oh Sunday afternoons, how I have come to love you so.

It means the yet another buffer day before going back to the world of being a car janitor, plenty of time to relax, a day to spend with my lady faire even if I can be a little short when I have to leave the comfort of the apartment to run chores.
This sunday was aforementioned chore of grocery shopping. I hate shopping so I wanted to be in and out. I like to just grab n go when it comes to being in stores rather than going down ever single aisle.
But now is the golden time.
Back home, made myself lunch/dinner/ however long this accidentally blackened chicken lasts me til i'm hungry again.
Now I get to kick back on the couch listen to my records which have been neglected since moving back to Wisconsin but I've been giving them some T.L.C. since moving into this apartment.
"Beggar's Banquet" "Tim" and "As The Eternal Cowboy" wafting throughout the sun drenched living room. This is the type of thing that really makes being on the right side of two day weekend.

These are the times that I hope will stick in her mind when she looks back on her childhood. Its these types of days that I remember from mine, except it was my mom's copies of "Willie Nelson and Family Live" or "Moondance" on my dad's sophisticated stereo system while the smell of toast and eggs and coffee permiated the house. For her she will probably remember smelling soy sausage and seeing vitamin waters. I've made her very own playlist already but the Ipod will never come out on days like these. These are for vinyl only.
Warmer, more inviting, more tangable. No cold tiny fruit box spewing out slightly more sterile version of favorite ditties on days like these.
That tiny polished metal box is to get me through workdays or car rides to help me avoid the various morning zoos.
These types of sundays that I want to play on loop so the wrong side of my weekend, let alone the work week, never penetrates my mood.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

This is what you get when you mess with us...



I feel like karma is shitting on me right now.
My car gets its door cracked by some asshole. My tv shit out on me. Gettin in crap at work for my cars not being up to QA standard when I bust my ass while other people sit around not doing any cars all night. Might as well be a lazy ass too.
Not being able to find a decent alternative job.
I know its not alot to be complaining about but its just all hitting me at the same time. All shitty timing.
I've got a great fiancee' and a baby on the way and a rad new apartment. I should be happy as a fuckin clam but I'm just full of anger boiling up to my eyeballs wanna start leaking or blow out.
The posi-crew should revoke my membership.
I gotta get something to change.
Job would be a great start but nothings really happening on that front. I keep looking and applying but nothing.
The other stuff I just gotta ride out, maybe karma will turn around for me, eventually. Don't know when, don't know where but once I burn off some of this shit karma first.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sunday mornings

Spent New Years at home watching Hamlet 2 and most of Zombieland before Suzy got bored and tired and went to bed. I had half a beer. It was a riot lemme tell you.
Much much different than the previous New Years Ever when I spent the night with Boston, Jimmy and Anna at Grumpy's Downtown getting just blackout plastered but somehow the tab came out to only 15 dollars combined. Thank you Patty. We were so trashed that Boston dragged me( or I volunteered to go) to the CC CLub. I only remembered waking up in my bed but we were at the CC til closing.
So yea I huge difference.

Had some financial drama last week but things are settling out. Then my TV took a shit on me. Its at Best Buy getting fixed because my warranty just barely still covered it. I didn't think it had so I got a new one. Its bigger and was on sale. Once my old one is fixed I'm going to either sell it on craigslist or take it to Pawn America. One way or another I'll get some cash back so I don't feel so bad about buying a new one. Glad it was still the season of post christmas sales, it was a godsend. This will be my last large or even semi large purchase that isn't for Lucy or Lucy related. I feel bad enough that I bought something even sorta expensive even though it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would normally have been. Just slowly getting into dad mode. If i hadn't spent so much over the years of amassing a large multi media collection, I wouldn't have even bothered getting a new TV but it would such a waste not to.

Beyond that I'm still looking for a better paying job but thus far no dice. I'll find one eventually but just gotta be patient and diligent with looking. So I continue to clean the same cars every other day. I imagine that hell is sorta like that. You clean the hell out of a car then it goes out for rental then comes back an hour later trashed and you have to reclean it but you miss one small thing and get talked to about how you missed that one thing so the next time you make sure to clean that previous part and instead you miss something else. Day in, day out this continues. Thats pretty close to my work week. Not quite hell but I could see it being one of those punishments in the lesser circles of hell if it exists.

So with the end of the year there comes some looks back at decent parts of the year, I'll mention some of my favorite movies and albums. Both will be what I discovered this year, so it might have been released this year or I saw/listened to it this year.

Inception( it was good but its not on top because I liked it the best, its just an obvious mention)
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
Daniel Tosh "completely serious" stand up.
Crank and Crank 2( i thought they would suck but didn't)
Predators( a totally worthy sequel that ignores all the aliens vs predator crap)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 1 ( it was really really good, actually had me emotional when :SPOLIER: Dobby Died)
Machete ( perfect zeitgiest movie even being so awesomely over the top)
Legion ( in the tradition of great B movies)
The Expendables (thank Robert Rodriegez for the scene with Willis, AH-nold and Stallone. A fake grindhouse trailer was almost made with that premise)
Daybreakers( I hate vampire movies but loved this one)
Hot Tub Time Machine ( funny and it had a Crispin Glover cameo)
Exit Through The Gift Shop( just amazing)
Blood Into Wine( Maynard is hilarious)

I saw a bunch of crappy movies, awful movies but not many that fall under the "so bad its good" category.

Music
Gaslight Anthem " American Slang"( some filler on it but overall pretty rad)
Kanye West "my dark twisted fantasy"( I'm still digesting it but I dig the ambition of it)
Ryan Adams and the Cardinals "III IV" ( really good)
Alkaline Trio " This Addiction" ( finally they are back to form after a couple lackluster releases)
Against Me! " White Crosses" ( I love the anti-anti abortion title track as well as the overall fact Tom Gabel is growing up and not just sticking to a formula just polished like what Anti-Flag did, P.S. anti flag hasn't releasd a listenable record since "Underground Network")
Jay-Z " THe Blueprint 3" ( pretty decent, its no Doomtree but I enjoy it)
Willie Nelson and Asleep at the Wheel " Willie and the Wheel" ( just a great record all around)
The Arrivals "Volatile Molotov" ( if i didn't get any new D4 its the next best thing)
Atmosphere " To All My Friends, The Blood Makes The Blood Holy" ( dude its just good)
Dillinger Escape Plan " Operation Paralysis" ( technique and rad song structures, yes please)
Ryan Adams " Orion" ( a space themed metal album from Ryan Adams, DOUBLE YES PLEASE)

Concerts:
I didn't see alot but these were the gems:
The Melvins
Lucero
Doomtree's stop in Madison

a little appetizer