Sunday, January 30, 2011

Add another reason to love days off...

I spent today making belly art. I'm pretty terrible with a paint brush but I managed to eek out this meager excuse for art.
Hope Lucia loves seeing it as much as I enjoyed working on it.
Suzy was a trooper sitting for about 2 hours even though painting her belly was in general her idea. I chose the first attempt at a subject. Next time she wants me to do something more abstract and colorful.
So here is the first attempt.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ya'll don't know what it's like, being male lower-middle class and white...

I don't really like to admit this freely but today I just feeling like fucking crying.
Frustrations are kicking my ass.
I feel like I'm going to be stuck in shit jobs my whole life. I mean I don't expect or really want to have some suit n' tie job or anything but I always heard growing up and in school how I had this limitless potential and I was too smart for my own good but fuck, how come I can't seem to tap into any of this supposed potential?
I live exclusively in my brain. The only other part of my body that I really feel is my stomach. Probably explains my high tolerance for pain.
Living life in your mind is a curse.
First off, it never turns off. I'm always thinking and rethinking the minutiae of everyday events ad naueum. It keeps me from making any real choices or taking actions because I stutter step on all the possible outcomes (usually highlighting the negative rather than the positive). I rarely hear what others are saying or can retain it for any length of time because I'm too focused on own thoughts that swirl rapidly in and out of my head.
For instance today I had an interview at Captel and before you get to the normal question and answer part of the process you must first do a skills test to prove you can perform the job. You listen to what is being said and relay it somewhere close to two words after what is being spoken.
I hear the first part of what is being spoken but then my mind starts listening to myself and I miss parts of what is being spoken to me, then I get caught up in my own thoughts that kick in. I can't just go blank and listen and relay like I need to.
No good. I feel like I failed. I know I get one more retest after I practice the skills and if I get it right I then get to the normal interview portion. It's just such a letdown. I have high expectations for myself and I can't seem to meet them.
Recently I was tested for ADHD and tested remarkably high for the likelihood that I have it in some form. Maybe this is why I'm stuck in my head like a turtle in his shell with all the leg and head holes superglued shut. I'm hoping that addressing this issue, I might unlock myself and be able to focus and be more prepared to succeed in the job market.
I use to be management material but I cannot find a job here that values the work skills I have accrued over the past 15 years of working. Instead I'm stuck as a glorified car janitor making what I made when I was a junior in high school. I know I'm worth much more than that but I just have no way to find a career path that I'm cut out for.
There would be no problem with accepting some of these lesser jobs except with a child on the way I can't take the easy route that I've always gone with. Not that its been easy to begin with. Getting myself out of my head is a vey difficult task.
The obvious answer would be "COLLEGE" but I've tried that. There is no way to succeed in college is you can't get yourself out of your fucking head. Otherwise all I do is sit and question why. Why is this homework necessary? What is this busy work preparing me for?
Plus anything I'm interested in pursuing as far as a degree won't make me a dime. I'll have a fancy piece of paper but it would be just an extra fancy toilet paper.
Our society doesn't MAKE anything anymore. We are banks and stock brokers, turning money into more money but not actually making anything tangible. Ask yourself, can you touch our debt that China owns? Can you physically see it?
Jobs that help people or create things are few and far between. I have an abundance of customer service experience but what does that do? Its great if I had some other skills to couple with that service experience. Alas I never developed that. Every job wants you to have experience in whatever field they specialize in but how do you gain that experience. College can't be the only answer since the economy and job market thrived in times when the rate of people going to college was sitting just below or near 50%. So how did they acclimate themselves to field of employment. My guess would be on the job training. Now days businesses trying to maximize their profits see on the job training as nothing but a costful measure that isn't needed. Therefore they help prop up the college degree requirement. It also helps them in the sense that going to college puts you in debt, so when you end up working somewhere you are essentially "stuck" working for the company and have no lateral room to go elsewhere for fear that you won't be able to pay off your debts. Its ingenious and devious at the same time.
So where does this leave me?
Only qualified for shit jobs as well as locked up in my own head like Rapunzel locked in the tower except the guards just shaved my head.
Madison is a shit town for employment. And I'm a piss poor interviewee because all I can do is trip over myself anytime I get a leg up.
All I want is a decent paying job that makes me want to wake up and go to. Something fun or at least with co-workers I enjoy spending my workday with. Preferably casual dress. Decent benefits that don't cost half my paycheck to buy into. I don't expect to have some amazing job or anything. Just something that doesn't make it feel like nails on a chalkboard each day I head to work.
Seems fair. I am not against doing real work as long as I'm not the only one working like what happens a lot of the time at my current job. I loved working at a movie theater but alas there aren't any that are hiring right now and I can't afford to accept a job working the concessions stand. I'd love to be an assistant manager of a movie theater or movie rental store even. Things I have an extensive knowledge of. Too bad every time I try to get in a place like that I'm denied.
Maybe getting out of this place will open me up to new and better opportunities.
The feeling of needed to scream is overwhelming today. So is the feeling of needing to cry. And I don't cry easily.
I feel so defeated right now.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Days like these...

Oh Sunday afternoons, how I have come to love you so.

It means the yet another buffer day before going back to the world of being a car janitor, plenty of time to relax, a day to spend with my lady faire even if I can be a little short when I have to leave the comfort of the apartment to run chores.
This sunday was aforementioned chore of grocery shopping. I hate shopping so I wanted to be in and out. I like to just grab n go when it comes to being in stores rather than going down ever single aisle.
But now is the golden time.
Back home, made myself lunch/dinner/ however long this accidentally blackened chicken lasts me til i'm hungry again.
Now I get to kick back on the couch listen to my records which have been neglected since moving back to Wisconsin but I've been giving them some T.L.C. since moving into this apartment.
"Beggar's Banquet" "Tim" and "As The Eternal Cowboy" wafting throughout the sun drenched living room. This is the type of thing that really makes being on the right side of two day weekend.

These are the times that I hope will stick in her mind when she looks back on her childhood. Its these types of days that I remember from mine, except it was my mom's copies of "Willie Nelson and Family Live" or "Moondance" on my dad's sophisticated stereo system while the smell of toast and eggs and coffee permiated the house. For her she will probably remember smelling soy sausage and seeing vitamin waters. I've made her very own playlist already but the Ipod will never come out on days like these. These are for vinyl only.
Warmer, more inviting, more tangable. No cold tiny fruit box spewing out slightly more sterile version of favorite ditties on days like these.
That tiny polished metal box is to get me through workdays or car rides to help me avoid the various morning zoos.
These types of sundays that I want to play on loop so the wrong side of my weekend, let alone the work week, never penetrates my mood.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

This is what you get when you mess with us...

I feel like karma is shitting on me right now.
My car gets its door cracked by some asshole. My tv shit out on me. Gettin in crap at work for my cars not being up to QA standard when I bust my ass while other people sit around not doing any cars all night. Might as well be a lazy ass too.
Not being able to find a decent alternative job.
I know its not alot to be complaining about but its just all hitting me at the same time. All shitty timing.
I've got a great fiancee' and a baby on the way and a rad new apartment. I should be happy as a fuckin clam but I'm just full of anger boiling up to my eyeballs wanna start leaking or blow out.
The posi-crew should revoke my membership.
I gotta get something to change.
Job would be a great start but nothings really happening on that front. I keep looking and applying but nothing.
The other stuff I just gotta ride out, maybe karma will turn around for me, eventually. Don't know when, don't know where but once I burn off some of this shit karma first.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sunday mornings

Spent New Years at home watching Hamlet 2 and most of Zombieland before Suzy got bored and tired and went to bed. I had half a beer. It was a riot lemme tell you.
Much much different than the previous New Years Ever when I spent the night with Boston, Jimmy and Anna at Grumpy's Downtown getting just blackout plastered but somehow the tab came out to only 15 dollars combined. Thank you Patty. We were so trashed that Boston dragged me( or I volunteered to go) to the CC CLub. I only remembered waking up in my bed but we were at the CC til closing.
So yea I huge difference.

Had some financial drama last week but things are settling out. Then my TV took a shit on me. Its at Best Buy getting fixed because my warranty just barely still covered it. I didn't think it had so I got a new one. Its bigger and was on sale. Once my old one is fixed I'm going to either sell it on craigslist or take it to Pawn America. One way or another I'll get some cash back so I don't feel so bad about buying a new one. Glad it was still the season of post christmas sales, it was a godsend. This will be my last large or even semi large purchase that isn't for Lucy or Lucy related. I feel bad enough that I bought something even sorta expensive even though it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would normally have been. Just slowly getting into dad mode. If i hadn't spent so much over the years of amassing a large multi media collection, I wouldn't have even bothered getting a new TV but it would such a waste not to.

Beyond that I'm still looking for a better paying job but thus far no dice. I'll find one eventually but just gotta be patient and diligent with looking. So I continue to clean the same cars every other day. I imagine that hell is sorta like that. You clean the hell out of a car then it goes out for rental then comes back an hour later trashed and you have to reclean it but you miss one small thing and get talked to about how you missed that one thing so the next time you make sure to clean that previous part and instead you miss something else. Day in, day out this continues. Thats pretty close to my work week. Not quite hell but I could see it being one of those punishments in the lesser circles of hell if it exists.

So with the end of the year there comes some looks back at decent parts of the year, I'll mention some of my favorite movies and albums. Both will be what I discovered this year, so it might have been released this year or I saw/listened to it this year.

Inception( it was good but its not on top because I liked it the best, its just an obvious mention)
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
Daniel Tosh "completely serious" stand up.
Crank and Crank 2( i thought they would suck but didn't)
Predators( a totally worthy sequel that ignores all the aliens vs predator crap)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 1 ( it was really really good, actually had me emotional when :SPOLIER: Dobby Died)
Machete ( perfect zeitgiest movie even being so awesomely over the top)
Legion ( in the tradition of great B movies)
The Expendables (thank Robert Rodriegez for the scene with Willis, AH-nold and Stallone. A fake grindhouse trailer was almost made with that premise)
Daybreakers( I hate vampire movies but loved this one)
Hot Tub Time Machine ( funny and it had a Crispin Glover cameo)
Exit Through The Gift Shop( just amazing)
Blood Into Wine( Maynard is hilarious)

I saw a bunch of crappy movies, awful movies but not many that fall under the "so bad its good" category.

Gaslight Anthem " American Slang"( some filler on it but overall pretty rad)
Kanye West "my dark twisted fantasy"( I'm still digesting it but I dig the ambition of it)
Ryan Adams and the Cardinals "III IV" ( really good)
Alkaline Trio " This Addiction" ( finally they are back to form after a couple lackluster releases)
Against Me! " White Crosses" ( I love the anti-anti abortion title track as well as the overall fact Tom Gabel is growing up and not just sticking to a formula just polished like what Anti-Flag did, P.S. anti flag hasn't releasd a listenable record since "Underground Network")
Jay-Z " THe Blueprint 3" ( pretty decent, its no Doomtree but I enjoy it)
Willie Nelson and Asleep at the Wheel " Willie and the Wheel" ( just a great record all around)
The Arrivals "Volatile Molotov" ( if i didn't get any new D4 its the next best thing)
Atmosphere " To All My Friends, The Blood Makes The Blood Holy" ( dude its just good)
Dillinger Escape Plan " Operation Paralysis" ( technique and rad song structures, yes please)
Ryan Adams " Orion" ( a space themed metal album from Ryan Adams, DOUBLE YES PLEASE)

I didn't see alot but these were the gems:
The Melvins
Doomtree's stop in Madison

a little appetizer