Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ya'll don't know what it's like, being male lower-middle class and white...

I don't really like to admit this freely but today I just feeling like fucking crying.
Frustrations are kicking my ass.
I feel like I'm going to be stuck in shit jobs my whole life. I mean I don't expect or really want to have some suit n' tie job or anything but I always heard growing up and in school how I had this limitless potential and I was too smart for my own good but fuck, how come I can't seem to tap into any of this supposed potential?
I live exclusively in my brain. The only other part of my body that I really feel is my stomach. Probably explains my high tolerance for pain.
Living life in your mind is a curse.
First off, it never turns off. I'm always thinking and rethinking the minutiae of everyday events ad naueum. It keeps me from making any real choices or taking actions because I stutter step on all the possible outcomes (usually highlighting the negative rather than the positive). I rarely hear what others are saying or can retain it for any length of time because I'm too focused on own thoughts that swirl rapidly in and out of my head.
For instance today I had an interview at Captel and before you get to the normal question and answer part of the process you must first do a skills test to prove you can perform the job. You listen to what is being said and relay it somewhere close to two words after what is being spoken.
I hear the first part of what is being spoken but then my mind starts listening to myself and I miss parts of what is being spoken to me, then I get caught up in my own thoughts that kick in. I can't just go blank and listen and relay like I need to.
No good. I feel like I failed. I know I get one more retest after I practice the skills and if I get it right I then get to the normal interview portion. It's just such a letdown. I have high expectations for myself and I can't seem to meet them.
Recently I was tested for ADHD and tested remarkably high for the likelihood that I have it in some form. Maybe this is why I'm stuck in my head like a turtle in his shell with all the leg and head holes superglued shut. I'm hoping that addressing this issue, I might unlock myself and be able to focus and be more prepared to succeed in the job market.
I use to be management material but I cannot find a job here that values the work skills I have accrued over the past 15 years of working. Instead I'm stuck as a glorified car janitor making what I made when I was a junior in high school. I know I'm worth much more than that but I just have no way to find a career path that I'm cut out for.
There would be no problem with accepting some of these lesser jobs except with a child on the way I can't take the easy route that I've always gone with. Not that its been easy to begin with. Getting myself out of my head is a vey difficult task.
The obvious answer would be "COLLEGE" but I've tried that. There is no way to succeed in college is you can't get yourself out of your fucking head. Otherwise all I do is sit and question why. Why is this homework necessary? What is this busy work preparing me for?
Plus anything I'm interested in pursuing as far as a degree won't make me a dime. I'll have a fancy piece of paper but it would be just an extra fancy toilet paper.
Our society doesn't MAKE anything anymore. We are banks and stock brokers, turning money into more money but not actually making anything tangible. Ask yourself, can you touch our debt that China owns? Can you physically see it?
Jobs that help people or create things are few and far between. I have an abundance of customer service experience but what does that do? Its great if I had some other skills to couple with that service experience. Alas I never developed that. Every job wants you to have experience in whatever field they specialize in but how do you gain that experience. College can't be the only answer since the economy and job market thrived in times when the rate of people going to college was sitting just below or near 50%. So how did they acclimate themselves to field of employment. My guess would be on the job training. Now days businesses trying to maximize their profits see on the job training as nothing but a costful measure that isn't needed. Therefore they help prop up the college degree requirement. It also helps them in the sense that going to college puts you in debt, so when you end up working somewhere you are essentially "stuck" working for the company and have no lateral room to go elsewhere for fear that you won't be able to pay off your debts. Its ingenious and devious at the same time.
So where does this leave me?
Only qualified for shit jobs as well as locked up in my own head like Rapunzel locked in the tower except the guards just shaved my head.
Madison is a shit town for employment. And I'm a piss poor interviewee because all I can do is trip over myself anytime I get a leg up.
All I want is a decent paying job that makes me want to wake up and go to. Something fun or at least with co-workers I enjoy spending my workday with. Preferably casual dress. Decent benefits that don't cost half my paycheck to buy into. I don't expect to have some amazing job or anything. Just something that doesn't make it feel like nails on a chalkboard each day I head to work.
Seems fair. I am not against doing real work as long as I'm not the only one working like what happens a lot of the time at my current job. I loved working at a movie theater but alas there aren't any that are hiring right now and I can't afford to accept a job working the concessions stand. I'd love to be an assistant manager of a movie theater or movie rental store even. Things I have an extensive knowledge of. Too bad every time I try to get in a place like that I'm denied.
Maybe getting out of this place will open me up to new and better opportunities.
The feeling of needed to scream is overwhelming today. So is the feeling of needing to cry. And I don't cry easily.
I feel so defeated right now.

1 comment:

  1. Babe.. I was going to be doing a similar blog today based on today's experiences. I completely understand the frustrations. We will get through this eventually, one day. We just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that things are not going to go our way for right now... but we shouldn't stop trying. I can't wait to be home today and tomorrow. There is a lot that I want to be working on as far as goal wise and job wise