Monday, March 7, 2011

Can it be spring yet?

Wow, looks like I broke over 100 entries. Didn't realize I've written that many. I can't even remember starting this site so I spose it make sense that I've posted that many times.
Disclaimer: not looking for pity, just emptying my head. Gotta do it from time to time and this is my outlet. This is just stream of consciousness rambling, hey it's simply cheaper than a shrink.

Nothing particularly new, well... I did file for SSDI(social security disability insurance) on account that the panic and anxiety has become bad enough that its hard to deal with even with medication. I've got a bunch of nervous energy so I've been trying to workout to tire myself out so I'm not all twitchy and nervous. Does helps slightly but nothing is really cutting it. I'm gonna work with the Dr. to see if there is something else that might help more but I'm so weary of being bumped up on meds that I'm in a stupor. I wish I could figure out how to take this anxiety and make it manageable.
I can't even invite people over or go over to anyone's house without feeling totally freaked out. Not to mention eating most foods whether its junk food or stuff that's suppose to be healthy for me, it makes me feel so bloated and uncomfortable that just ramps my anxiety into overtime. Even hanging out at home leaves me feeling apprehensive. It's pretty near when I first started getting them and couldn't leave the house. I've got elevated anxiety probably 5 days of the week give or take and am in panic mode one or two of those. No caffeine, no booze, no chocolate and it makes small difference.
I really feel lazy to file for this but after reading the qualifications on the website, I fit the bill to a "T" with a little to spare. Just gotta wait and see if the SSA agrees with me. It's suppose to take 3 to 5 months to find out. Like I said I feel lazy about filing but it sure would be a godsend if it goes through, it would take a lot of pressure off me.

Impending fatherhood is also a big load on my mind as it is drawing very near. I'm afraid that I'm gonna finish something to eat and then Suzy is gonna go into labor so I'll be in a full blown panic attack while trying to deal with getting her to hospital or meeting her their if she isn't at home.
I am very excited to finally meet Lucia but its is overwhelming sometimes to think that within a month or so I will be someone's father for the rest of my life.
Very strange to think about.
We have the baby shower this weekend. Which I think is cementing the reality of the situation for me. Not that I'm complaining about this major change in my life I'm just worried about being a good enough parent. Thoughts of taking her to school in the mornings and dentist appointments, school plays and those things pop in my head and get me wondering what type of dad I'll be. Makes me hope that my anxiety doesn't cause me to miss out on things.

Otherwise I've taken up playing Rock Band 2 again (getting my dexterity back) and watching the BBC show "Torchwood" for those who don't know its kind of like a british "X-Files". Its pretty interesting and a decent replacement now that i've made it through all 6 seasons of "Lost" again. Kind of wish that Netflix instant would add the "Twin Peaks" series or 'Carnivale". I'm trying to find shows that last more than half hour and I haven't seen yet.
Harder said than done.
Also I threw down 6 more pages on my project. Not a huge dent but its nice to slowly have something to work on.

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