Monday, May 30, 2011

A late night of taking out the mental garbage. (alternate title: talking out my ass past midnight)

So I don't post on here nearly as often as I use to. Sometimes I miss venting and ranting on this but more often than not my stream of consciousness rambling gets blown out of proportion because what amounts to word vomit on this blog gets taken far too seriously or just enough that I have to spend far too much time further explaining myself more thoroughly and more often than not it isn't worth it. But tonight since Lucy is in and out of sleep so I'm going to be awake for a while I might as well spew out a few random things that have been going on in my life and in my head.

Summertime is here. Can't believe how much hail I've seen in the past two weeks, I think more than I've seen in my entire lifetime.
My birthday has past by and I'm slightly saddened by how few friends even said "Happy Birthday" via any number of social networking websites let alone phone, email or text. Not that I really find my birthday a big deal but the previous 3 years I was made to feel really special on it and this year only Suzy, my mom, her mom and a very small handful of others even noticed. Spose I just had slightly higher expectations is all.
The next one is the big 30. I am really hoping that somehow Suzy and I can celebrate it with a couple days in New York. I really want to go back and she has never been there. It would be such a great and memorable way to mark 30 years in the world.
We got a chance to have a night off a few days after my birthday to have a movie/date night which was sublime.
Work is work. Its money and not terribly stressful, most of the time at least. Wish I was managing a movie theater more but at very least the hours on this job are generally much better, I'm done with work far before midnight which I wouldn't be if I were doing the theater thing.
Getting a handle on this parenting thing is making more sense thanks to a friend turning us on to "The 5 S's", it really made a world of difference.
Though sometimes I do want to slap all those people who told me I'd make an excellent father because I feel like I'm mediocre at best. Mornings are horrible for me, I'm crabby, Lucia's crabby... not the best mix in the world but Suzy's been absolutely amazing with everything even when I snap at her when she tries to jump in and take over every time Lucy cries while I'm taking care of her. I've got to figure some of this stuff out on my own otherwise I'm going to be completely lost when she goes back to work. Suzy has her so much of the time she has most all of the tricks down so she tends to hover around me when Lucy begins to whimper.
I do have a slightly different style, I'll let Lucy cry if she needs to, I won't let her cry by herself but if she is being held and needs to freak out then I can handle a few minutes of wailing. I feel horrible that she is screaming like a banshee but I need to find out if she can figure out to self soothe. So far its rare but she will sleep quite well once she calms down.
Even so my heart still breaks listening her cry like she does.
I'm super happy we've figured out how to keep her docile most of time. She has her freak outs but nothing like the first two weeks. I'm still very excited once she becomes more animated and interested in the world around her. I need to learn some more patience, I want her to grow up but not like super fast, just enough to where I know how to entertain easier.

I've been pretty moody lately and I don't think its just being new parent things. I get these really low days, where I don't wanna leave the house or even leave the bed but then I'll have days when, despite the general large amounts of anxiety i experience daily, smelling the fresh air standing on the patio in the sunlight or just doing a shift at work feels great and I'm happy as can be.
It's really random. It can flip on a dime too, some days I'll wake up frustrated and everything is irritating with no provocation yet others I am so excited to play with Lucy even if she is being a pissy-pants.
I know everyone has times similar to this, probably most new parents go through this but I think it could be more than that. Maybe I'm just not fully equipped to deal with true responsibility and this is like some sort of mental growing pains or maybe its more of my anxiety and panic issues manifesting itself in other forms, I have no idea so I'm going to see my Dr. this coming week and see what he says.
Not so much for me but for Suzy and Lucy, neither of them need to deal with any of my mood swings. I know Suzy notices when I'm feeling shitty and does her best to make me feel better but its not her job to do so. She has more than enough on her plate than to take care of me too. Its bad enough that I feel like I'm not pulling my own weight around here since I am at work so often and Suzy has the baby to take care of as well has help out on the bills.
All I really want is to get a handle on whatever the hell is going on with me so I can make things that much easier and relaxed for Suzy as well as myself.

So yeah... I should start to get myself sorted out soon, i hope. Then maybe I can enjoy the majority of the summer. Doesn't look like we'll be making any trip to Minneapolis anytime soon. We're thinking that waiting until Lucia is a couple months older and more in a rhythm makes the most sense. I really wanna get up there to see everyone but there are more pressing matters down here like taking care of the Lu-bear.

Hoping that maybe I'll get down to Summerfest for a night. Alkaline Trio and the Meat Puppets are playing on the same night on the free stages. That could be a heap of fun. And as much as I hate being in large crowds and far from home it will do both Suzy and me tons of good to see something other than the couch, netflix instant, or Target.

Well, the little one is finally sleeping decent so I'm going to try and get some as well.
I hate that I actually have to write this BUT anyone reading, don't read too deeply into anything. Sometimes a boy's gotta vent and this blog is far cheaper than a shrink. Though I ought to know better since its far to easy to over-analyze words on the internet when there isn't any tone or inflection to tell when there is sarcasm, exasperation, or glee behind each sentence.
OK I'm tired, like a lightbulb I'm burnt out. (door creaks closed)

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