Wednesday, July 27, 2011

So Long And Thanks For All The Shoes...

So I'm temporarily abandoning this blog.
I started it as a way to help calm the word tornadoes that are constantly running through my brain. I've realized recently that its become basically a place for me to complain and vent. What it lacks are all the good things that happen in my life.
Spose it's human nature that the good parts are glossed over and all the shitty occurrences tend to stick out like sore thumbs.
My blog is full of sore thumbs.
I come here to vent and release word vomit to get it out of my head. Plain and simple, some sort of electronic diary that I seemed to ignore the glaring fact that OTHER people read it.
It's never been a cry for help when I complain as I've been dealing alot of issues for as long as I can remember and if needed help I am and have been plenty capable of asking when things get to be too much for me.
Not to fault those who do read my ramblings and want to help, its appreciated though that has never been the point of my writing here.
Everyone gets overwhelmed now and again and needs a healthy place to let off steam. Seeing as how I don't have much for skills or time that can alleviate the stressors in my life like painting or sports or what-have-you, I chose to write it out and flush it for my mind in small increments.
Things have been taken a bit to seriously so I think its time to shut this down for the time being and see if I can find some other healthy way to channel those times when things get too heavy for my shoulders to carry.
So here's to putting a cork on my word vomit hole.
Maybe I'll decide to reopen this at a later date but for now I'm off like a prom dress after two wine coolers.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Tuesday morning quarterback

I should really learn to stop complaining. Maybe then I'd be in a better headspace :-/

Monday, July 25, 2011

Case of the Mondays

Wow I've got a small amount of time to blog. Typical stuff. I've probably written this same blog 90 times just with slightly different words.
Not like I've got much to write about. I got to see some family last weekend and they got to meet Lucia, who was crabby most of the time because of the heat. We took her swimming and she didn't like that too much either.
I've taken the step down at work so I'm slowly not going to be an assistant manager much longer. I just can't deal with the stress of being a manager and the stress of being a dad. This kinda of makes me feel like a failure as I've gotten to the point that I get mentally exhausted alot easier these days. Suzy does more than me work-wise as well as at home and she manages to balance it yet I just feel like I can't do it.
I've started the work to get all my medical records so I can get a hearing for SSDI due to my daily level of anxiety. I've been denied twice but I've heard that is standard. Probably to weed out the people who think its just easy money. Hopefully they will see that this is not the case with me if I have the hearing.
I want to be working a full time job and be super-dad but I just fall short. I hate that I have to use the excuse of anxiety but it truly is that. I feel so mentally spent. I don't even have the energy to play video games when I get the few hours before bed when Lucia is sleeping.
I've got medication that keeps me from being stuck permanently on the couch but not much else.  I'm nearly 30, I feel like I should be so much further in life. Of course, if I had done the school thing, maybe I would be but yet I know so many college graduates that do about the same level of work as I'm doing. So getting excited about school is so far from my mind.

More than anything I am working on my patience as a father. I'm quickly annoyed like I experienced from my parents as a kid. I'm working on being more understanding and keeping my frustrations in check since I know Lucia is only a new person and even though it feels like she is playing games when she spits out her pacifier, i realize she is just learning how to work her tongue. Though sometimes its very hard to believe she isn't doing it just to hear herself cry.

Late Addition: I'm in a shitty mood today. No fucking reason either, just can't seem shake it. Wish I knew what my problem was.
Plus the thought of going to work tomorrow gets my anxiety raging. My heart starts pounding and I feel all shaky. Hopefully I'll shake it by the time I work tomorrow. 

Friday, July 15, 2011

Low Wages= high stress

Money money money...
Its weighing heavy on my mind.
My job is in flux. I'm thinking about going down stepping down as an assistant manager and I found out today that instead of stepping into a shift leader position, they will only let me be a plain minimum wage brand rep. No responsibility besides showing up for work but a dollar and change less an hour. Probably less hours as well.
I wouldn't think about it but Suzy has an option to get a 40 hour position at her job which makes considerably more money than me. Suzy and I have been trying to fit our work schedules around each others since we don't have the money (even with the cash we are making now) to hire a permanent babysitter and my job has been screwing with my schedule so much plus now we are down a manager so I've got extra hours that clash with Suzy's. Luckily, Suzy's mom and mine have helped out when possible but it still is getting pretty hard.
So that is why I've been toying with the idea of stepping down.
Its a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.
I've been looking for a bartending job so I might have a chance at getting hours that better fit our schedules. As I can't really see many other jobs that start around 6 or 6:30pm besides working at a bar. It was a fun gig when I did it briefly last summer.
I just don't have a clue as to what I should do. I'm just so fucking sick of jobs dicking me around but what would I expect seeing as I'm working paycheck to paycheck type jobs.
So it goes...

Another thing is I'm missing Minneapolis. I just miss being within walking distance to so many places and friends. I miss biking places instead of driving.
I know that if I were to ever move back it wouldn't be quite as carefree and constant fun times like my last stay in the Mini Apple but I would still like to be there. Hopefully in the somewhat near future we'll get to make it back up there and most likely permanently. I'd give up warm weather for good friends that Lucia can grow up around.