Monday, July 25, 2011

Case of the Mondays

Wow I've got a small amount of time to blog. Typical stuff. I've probably written this same blog 90 times just with slightly different words.
Not like I've got much to write about. I got to see some family last weekend and they got to meet Lucia, who was crabby most of the time because of the heat. We took her swimming and she didn't like that too much either.
I've taken the step down at work so I'm slowly not going to be an assistant manager much longer. I just can't deal with the stress of being a manager and the stress of being a dad. This kinda of makes me feel like a failure as I've gotten to the point that I get mentally exhausted alot easier these days. Suzy does more than me work-wise as well as at home and she manages to balance it yet I just feel like I can't do it.
I've started the work to get all my medical records so I can get a hearing for SSDI due to my daily level of anxiety. I've been denied twice but I've heard that is standard. Probably to weed out the people who think its just easy money. Hopefully they will see that this is not the case with me if I have the hearing.
I want to be working a full time job and be super-dad but I just fall short. I hate that I have to use the excuse of anxiety but it truly is that. I feel so mentally spent. I don't even have the energy to play video games when I get the few hours before bed when Lucia is sleeping.
I've got medication that keeps me from being stuck permanently on the couch but not much else.  I'm nearly 30, I feel like I should be so much further in life. Of course, if I had done the school thing, maybe I would be but yet I know so many college graduates that do about the same level of work as I'm doing. So getting excited about school is so far from my mind.

More than anything I am working on my patience as a father. I'm quickly annoyed like I experienced from my parents as a kid. I'm working on being more understanding and keeping my frustrations in check since I know Lucia is only a new person and even though it feels like she is playing games when she spits out her pacifier, i realize she is just learning how to work her tongue. Though sometimes its very hard to believe she isn't doing it just to hear herself cry.

Late Addition: I'm in a shitty mood today. No fucking reason either, just can't seem shake it. Wish I knew what my problem was.
Plus the thought of going to work tomorrow gets my anxiety raging. My heart starts pounding and I feel all shaky. Hopefully I'll shake it by the time I work tomorrow. 

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