Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I know I said I've Retired...

But I thought I would add one final item to this blog for the time being.
A glossary of what I go through on a daily basis. Help whoever reads this understand what I deal with, explain why I am the way I am and why my posts are usually quite pitiful and grey.

Its easier for my to type it out than explain it in person because I'm very good at hiding just how bad things can be since I tend to sugarcoat how much I can be in pain when I talk to others.  Sure, its obvious that I'm "in a mood" but the depths of it I cannot fully vebalize, so maybe this will help. I know I'm not alone but these afflictions make me feel lonely.

1st: Anxiety- This is what I deal with every waking moment. Its kind of like nervous anticipation except there is nothing to anticipate. I'm jittery, on edge and if a stressful thought as in something "financial" or "future events" a terror comes over me. Not just normal worry but full blown worst case senario. My mind has trained itself to do this. Doing normal everyday tasks is exhausting. This coupled with my depression( which I had thought gone away until recently) makes doing even menial tasks as though I've built a barn all by myself, absolutely tiring. I become like the walking dead.
This is every day, all day.
The medication I take for it lessens the problems but doesn't make them very much less consuming.
A good explaination not excuse but something I've realized is that the reason I cannot hold a job for an extended period of time is that at first I can "fake" my way through that I am fine and normal. Suppress the anxiety by throwing myself into the work but as the weeks go by my guard comes down and the anxiety fills be back up and my work really takes a nosedive. I cannot focus on work properly, my mind is fluttering back and forth faster than a hummingbird blinking. This causes my work to suffer and will either result in me getting fired or quitting because the stress is too much to bare.

2nd: Panic Attacks: this happens sometimes once a week, once a month, or in my case lately every other day. When these come on it starts with the terror of the anxiety i spoke about above, then it magnifies ten fold, sometimes one hundred fold.
I can't breathe well, as though I have a half ton truck parked right on my chest.
My heart beats at an ungodly rate which triggers these "waves" of adrenaline to pulsate through my body. I try to tell myself that "in 5 minutes the adrenaline will be metabolized in my body and I'll be fine". Sometimes this works other times my head is racing so fast that I cannot catch a positive thought to help alleviate the pressure I'm feeling.
Sometimes I need to escape. I do not know where but this feeling I need to "get out now" overwhelms me. I'll shake and pace around the room.
I've been told to touch the ground physically to "root myself". That only works on rare occasions.
Sometimes I just need to "use the restroom" extremely urgently. This feeling is one of the worst because if I get a panic attack driving or in a place where there is only one toilet it causes the panic to skyrocket. This is what keeps me from being spontaneous or going out with friends and family because of the possible panic attacks getting to this stage.
It can make my hands cramp up to the point that I cannot unclench them. Absolute white knuckle moment. All of my hurts and shakes at its worst. Or I babble because thoughts are racing in my head so fast that my mouth cannot keep up.

3rd: Depression: this one is new and old for me. I use to be depressed in high school and a bit after i graduated.
This HURTS like not a physical "ouch I broke my arm" hurt but the best way to describe I've figured is: think of the most embarrassing of shameful thing that has happened to you and multiply it by 50 and then imagine it radiating throughout your entire being. It just plain painful.
Sometimes I will get so low that dying sounds good. Now I'm not saying that it makes me want to kill myself... more like " if I had a heart attack right now and died I'd be ok with that, atleast the pain will end" No planning or anything just wishing the low feeling would go away. The low feeling is like being trapped in a coffin and you can feel every scoop of dirt being dumped onto the coffin. Nothing you can do to get out, you just have to lay there and know its happening.
I get wrapped up so much that I feel like I'm in a fog or some sort of robot going through the motions but without any enjoyment. Again I can sometimes "fake" that it isn't as severe as it actually is for others sake but I also don't have a very good poker face.

When this hits me as it has in the past week or two,I just want to sit in the shower and rock back and forth. Or not even get out of bed at all. Do what Brian Wilson did and stay in bed for a year.
BUT i can't. I've got bills to pay, a lady and a baby that depend on me. When I'm thinking clearly I know how lucky I am. I've got tons of blessings, friends who are amazing, a beautiful charming, lovely understanding fiancee and a healthy smiley daughter. The bad part is that I can't think about any of that when the depression and anxiety hits.
It makes me feel so selfish that I only think about myself and telling myself that others have it worse problems than me makes me feel guilty for being selfish and not being able to handle my problems, which only compounds the problem even further.

Today I'm feeling fine-ish, tomorrow could be worse, could be better, I don't know. Everyday I wake up its a game of Russian Roulette. Or better said in the movie The Big Lebowski, " strikes and gutters, ups and downs."
So I hope this might help anyone who cares to know what I go through on a day to day basis. I've gotta take each day one at a time as the come to me rather than look at the wide lens and trigger panic attacks or highly depressive episodes. There isn't anything anyone can DO for me besides listen if I feel the need to talk. Kind of what this blog is meant to do. Not for advice or pity just as some sort of electronic sympathetic ear.
Nothing more.
I'm looking forward though to when I'll be able to write upbeat posts on this site again. 

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