Sunday, October 2, 2011

What Will it Be Like When I get Old???

I'm getting fucking fat.
Relatively speaking of course but still.
Coming from being a boy who fluttered between 110lbs and 130lbs at my heaviest to now pushing 150, I can feel the extra weight. Pants fit tighter. I'm use to being forced to wear a belt to keep my pants up to considering a belt a "fashion accessory". All my shirts now accentuate my ponchy stomach. I don't know if my metabolism has finally caught up to me or being home so much of the time is causing this and I'm sure my affinity for desserts DOES NOT help the situation any.
In some circles or around certain people talking about this gets eye rolls and being told I look "healthy". Ok, I'm sure I do but adjusting to my new body is a bit tough as I would be for anyone of any weight. The prospect of getting new pants sucks, especially because finding my waist size and length is already enough of a daunting task let alone upping the waist without getting any taller is gonna be very difficult.
As much as I wasn't (can't say I am now either) healthy being so skinny but I was use to it. It felt normal. This doesn't feel normal. And I kinda don't want it to feel normal. I don't feel at all attractive. I don't much look different but FEEL loads different. Not ugly just unattractive.
 I gotta find a way to turn the ponch and pudge into muscle and then I think I would feel better about weighing more. I miss having the greenway right behind my old apartment and going to mile long bike rides. That was fine that I got toned and had a good time doing it.
Now its difficult to even lift the one 20lbs weight I have or do push ups. And now winter is going to be arriving far sooner than I would like so I won't even be able to go for walks unless I take Lucia to the mall and be one of those living dead mall walkers.
I just liked being short and skinny. Its a shock to put on a shirt and see a pot belly poking out. Surely it can be much worse, I could be one of those people who need to ride a "rascal" scooter because their ankles would buckle under the sheer enormity of their body mass. Luckly I'm not there and hope to never be. But I liked looking naturally kind of cut and boney even if it was because of my illness.
I'll adjust but I just wanna complain about it some first. I'm good at that.

So I'm rapidly coming up upon my 30th birthday which may be another reason I dislike my body changes. I've had only two birthdays that I can actually remember that were good.
My 27th and 28th respectively.
Why were they good? Well my MPLS friends made them special and made me feel important. I didn't feel that way when I turned 16 besides new freedom of driving.
Didn't feel that way when I turned 18, I remember that as sharing the day with the last episode of Seinfeld.
20 was spent with a girl I wanted that didn't want me.
21 I wasn't drinking so no fun stories there.
Quarter century mark I had been freshly left by my former fiancee'( though I did start the tradition of treating myself to new body art that year)
26th I can't even remember, I think I just got really fucking wasted.
Now 27 I spent with my amazing crew of friends at the CC Club and I was given a cake and lots of people showed up and we all got drunk together. I was so happy on that night.
28 was also spent with my crew of friends at the CC plus Suzy was there to share it with me so extra special there too and responsibility free still.
This past year 29 marked my first of many as a father. It was very lo-key, took in a movie while Suzy's mom watched Lucia.
This I'm hitting the 30 mark. I really want to do something special for it. I know it won't be with my MPLS friends because they barely speak to eachother anymore so I couldn't imagine the awkwardness that would follow.
If I was given a choice of anything it would be to get tattooed, either my back worked on or a new piece AND go to New York City for a couple of days. I went when I was in my early 20's and it was a total blast. I'd love to check out even more sights and have an adventure.
I don't see either of those really happening due to current financial situations but I really want to remember my 30th as something out of the ordinary.
Maybe besides bartending I'll find a full time job I can stand and save up and who knows maybe we'll be in a situation where we can buy a house. This is the other thing making me feel old. The real possibility of home ownership.
Our lease here ends at the end of May. We need more room so we would be looking for a duplex to rent unless pieces fall into place and we stumble upon a great deal on a house. I suppose I'd rather be putting money towards something I could "own" rather than just another apartment but there also brings upon many other monetary factors like upkeep, repairs, property taxes. Not to mention being "stuck" in one place.
Things that right now sound very overwhelming. Still it would be great to have room for all my stuff and not feel so fucking cramped. I'd love to have room to display my horror movie action figures and put up all my concert posters as well as paint rooms fun colors instead of drab "cream" or "eggshell" colors on the walls.
To get where I want to be, I've got alot to do. Dunno how fast I can get there but just gotta keep chugging along, see what happens.