Saturday, October 5, 2013

World War Z Is Basically A Bag Of Dicks (spoilers inside)

The only time I have ever been this foaming at the mouth angry after a movie was the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween. But tonight World War Z topped that level of distain.

I should tell you that I have read the book by Max Brooks multiple times as well as listened to the book on tape which is far superior to the movie. World War Z of the book was an oral history that has been written 10 years after the "Zombie Wars". It takes place all over the globe and is very sociopolitical and so dense with detail and personal accounts of the spread of the virus, if I remember correctly it was called Solarium or something close to that. The virus reanimates the brain's basic function,the brain lives enough to control the body and instinctually knows to find food but no blood pumping and the rest of body functions.

The movie however is about Brad Pitt and family. Pitt is an ex UN investigator called back into duty after escaping Philadelphia and then finding their way through Newark, NJ. From there he is sent to investigate what is going on. Pitt's character is made up to be fucking Superman, he survives EVERYTHING thrown at him. He is like fucking NEO from the Matrix minus the computers.
He goes to Israel where they build a massive wall to keep zombies out while getting refugees into the safe zone. They had been fortified for over a week prior to the outbreak.  Within hours of Pitt getting into Jerusalem, a massive sing along starts which attracts all the zombies to one part of the wall and the climb over each other until some reach the top and then it's fucking bedlam. He barely escapes on a Belarus Airplane. Infected is on the plane so he blows a goddamn hole in the hull and  buckles up for the crash.
He and a woman soldier survive MIRACULOUSLY! and make it to the nearest W.H.O. This is where he gets to test out a theory he came up with. That is that zombies ignore people who are terminally sick. The virus needs a healthy host. Sure enough it works to camouflage him from zombies noticing him.
One man CAN make a difference. And then the sentimental bullshit that he reunites with his family in a refugee camp in Nova Scotia. Total fucking waste.

My problems with the movie first and foremost is the only thing really in common with the book and the movie is the title. I hope Max Brooks made some fat cash on selling Brad Pitt's
production company two words and one letter. I know "movies are never as good as the book". For the most part I subscribe to that way of thinking going into movies based on books but this was a bridge too far. It fucking sucked.

Problems with the movie:
*the zombies or infected since they aren't DEAD dead, are like fucking cheetahs. They're leaping and attacking is fast, furious and very much animalistic. Classic post-Night of The Living Dead zombies are slow and are more a swarm that overwhelms or surprises its victim. These movie zombies which are freshly dead as this outbreak takes place within a few days span when it goes worldwide BUT, most of them when you actually get to see one is already in an advanced state of decomposing. The book has the slow hive-like zombies.
*The movie zombies were basically rip offs of the Jurassic Park velociraptors. Nearly same sounds to call others, hunted nearly the same. It was fucking stupid.
*The one man on a mission spin on the script was fucking terrible, it could have been Bruce Willis doing Die Hard 6 with zombies the way they made Brad Pitt nearly bulletproof.
*The sentimental crap of calling his wife and her calling at the precise time Pitt was on a mission that required absolute silence.
 *The Philly scene had many many shots ripped off from the beginning of the Dawn of The Dead remake.
*Zombies have superhuman strengths, they should be dead(ish) and maybe can run the first day or two but then ligaments would break down leaving them shuffling or crawling.
* The shaky camera work when the attacks took place. You see almost no blood and guts throughout almost the entire movie. I can concede that when they did close up on the zombies later in the film the make up department earned their money.
* So much wasted source material

I have never written a script but if I were going to set the guidelines for adapting the book of World War Z which horror hounds were nearly blowing their loads hearing the news it was becoming a movie, I would do my best to do the book justice.

My version:
First it needed to be a trilogy from the start, filmed all at the same time much like Lord of the Rings was. Then stagger the release for each film.

* FIRST FILM would begin with a disclaimer reading that this was the stories of survivors of the Z Wars unchanged from their own accounts of events. How the movie(s) serve as a reminder to the future how quickly things can breakdown.
*Sparingly voiceovers of whoever was telling their part of the story would fade in and out.
*Then before the full credits and title card with the Patient Zero and his victims are being checked by a doctor in China mountain area where he makes a call to a friend in the Government who sweep in and thats when the title card splashes the screen.
* The first part of the movie will be about the "Great Denial" no one knew what was really happening and that caused massive spreading.
* We would get quick glimpses of survivor stories that would actually be fleshed out in the following movies. The mayhem all over the world shown in snippets.
* The second half of the movie would be the military's ramp up to the Battle of Yonkers, where they had conventional weapons, the helmet cams,  how they were dug in trenches on the streets as the hordes made their way toward the soldier's position and how the weaponry and tactics absolutely failed.
*End the first movie with a massacre on the streets of Yonkers.
* SECOND FILM would open on the bodyguard who was working the celeb reality apartment in New York. Where it was fortified and stocked, all the celebs acting like complete dicks while the entire apartment was being broadcast live 24/7. It gets attacked by people looking for safety and all hell breaks loose.
* this leads right into the stories of The Great Panic, maybe a bit about the ship graveyards on the shores of India, Americans fleeing to Cuba and their internment camps, the girl whose family fled north above the freeze line, show how America was split by the zombie hordes
* The Reddecker plan being explained and implemented in certain countries
* The end of film two is again the military gearing up for another battle this time in the desert, showing the robotic precision to take down a million zombies over the course of a night, show the new weaponry (the LOBO, S.I.R. and the P.I.E rounds), the zombies slowly climbing up the mountain of corpses on all sides. Show the platoon encircled by the wall of dead zombies and getting bulldozed out. A huge victory to end film two
*FINAL MOVIE would be about the sweep across America that lasted months going from west to east clearing all the zombies they come across.
* Quislings, L.M.O.E.'s and the feral children the sweep comes across.
* We can hear from the VP and Israelis about how they dealt with the zombies and the war effort to eradicate them.
* Late middle of the movie is the march on New York taking that back and then a shot from across the river after Victory day was declared
* Last film ends with Todd Wainio a soldier from all three battles 10 years later talking about how the world will never be totally safe from zombies as they pop up out of lakes, the ice, the oceans every know and again but the world has adjusted. Maybe a quick mention that Greenland is one of the last countries to still be dealing actively with zombie eradication.
* Fades to black and then a picture of each person who contributed their stories and a small blurb under each one about them, where they were, who they lost to the zombie outbreak, stuff like that.

Now that would do the book and its fan some real fucking justice. Yes, it would be expensive overall but cut way back on using CGI like this movie did and go with conventional make up and practical special effects and that would keep costs down.
I was seething while watching this trash bucket of an excuse for a zombie movie.
I hate it with all my heart for the potential that was gutted and wasted from such a dense and engaging book to come up with this booger collection of a movie.
FUCK YOU BRAD PITT, FUCK YOU MARK FORSTER, you screwed the pooch on this abortion of an attempt. to adapt a great modern piece of literature
I really do wonder how much money Max Brooks made off that title. The studio sure as shit didn't pay him for the content of his book.

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