Friday, May 3, 2013

Looks Like This Year Will Be Better Than The Last.(did I just write about something positive?)

Sometimes I wonder about my former life, where people are now, are they better off than me, enjoying life more or less. Would they be jealous of me if they knew what I've going on now? Would I be jealous of them?

Some of those people I know what they are up to. Some by word of mouth, others I'm still in contact through social media or texts. I am not a phone call person, I am uncomfortable on the phone and easily distracted. Other people have completely dropped off my radar and that sometimes piques my curiosity as to what/where they are now. I think maybe I'm better off not knowing where they are in life but then my mind wanders off on other more important thoughts.

Thoughts such as I cannot believe how different and "adult" I've become. I'm sure people who know me understand why I choose to use quotations around the word adult, as I'm still in too many ways just an overgrown child. Even so this year of 2013 has brought about a natural evolution in my life, more big change.
Ok, I'm getting too flowery and vague.
What I mean is I am now working at a job that pays the highest I've ever made, even if it still warehouse work. Sometimes it is difficult work but I feel like I'm DOING something. I am tired as fuck after a work day but it actually makes me feel good, accomplished. My new warehouse job has pluses and minus when compared to when I was working at ACD.
One of the best parts is that in this warehouse I don't feel like we are just a "middle man", receiving product from trucks one day just to pack it up and send it out on other trucks the next. Where I'm working now we make what we send out.
I like that.
Though I might not personally make our product I still feel a pride that we are contributing to the world rather than being a supply closest for those places who do make product.
I do miss some of the people I worked with at my former job and the way the flow was set up but its a small matter in a larger scheme.

Of course beyond new job I have failed to mention the biggest and most grown up thing that has come to pass so far this year... namely I am now a home owner.
If anything screams adult and responsibility it would be owning your own home. It feel amazing to know I can do whatever I wish to this place, with my wife's consent I might add but none the less we choose how our home will take shape. Having a mortgage is terrifying considering the last few years in the housing market. Still I would gladly take this risk rather than dumping hard earned money into a rental property where we have no say beyond what pictures are on the wall.
I am in love with the house we bought. We got a stupendous deal overall, I will caution myself to say, "as far as we know". You never know what may fail on a home after you buy it. We might have a silent problem growing in the walls or we might have a home that will not need repair for many years. No one can ever tell, even the most savvy can make rookie mistakes. Right now I am basking in the glow of the love of my new dwelling.

I hate the term "man cave" because it usually code for "husband, I hate your taste in decoration so you can have the area of the house no one will ever see."
But in this case I have my own movie theater (well for my purposes) complete with dimmer lights and sound-proofing. It's chilly like an air conditioned theater. But as added bonus it has plenty of play room for Lucia's toys.
If I had more friends who wanted to travel to Marshall regularly I would entertain them in my personal theater.
I cannot wait until the time when we can fence in the back yard to let Lucia roam around without fear of her running into the front yard and road. Her Uncle D.J. built her a great sandbox in the aforementioned backyard. Plus the thought of bringing a dog into the family gets more enticing with a backyard that is fenced in.
Between Suzy and I have so many things we would like to improve upon to add our personality to this home. All in good time but I can't say that I don't wish to be able to dive right in on home improvements. That would be foolish to do at the beginning because it would deplete our saving incase some real dire fix needed to be addressed.

Once we found this house we both knew it was exactly what we had been looking for. Before this we were just kind of casually looking and I had made an appointment to get my Minneapolis tribute tattoo but as soon as we first looked at this house we both decided it was something we had to get serious about, I had to cancel my appointment. I wish very much I was able to have gotten that piece done but I felt good about the reasons for canceling. Although the artist from Spike O Matic Tattoo emailed me a picture of the sketch he drew up the other day and that itch has returned. I know I cannot spend the money on it but I usually give myself a session or two as a birthday present but I have to put this on hold. Plus I have a back piece I need finished but I kind of want to break that up with something that can be finished in one sitting. Again I said, I'm exhibiting adult tendencies which is becoming less and less foreign to me.

3 and a half years ago I could never guessed I was capable of being where I am now. No, I am not famous and far from rich but I am happy.
Back then I was a borderline alcoholic, an anxiety ridden member of the heartbroken army. I brazenly thought of fatherhood as an easy of a task as just avoiding what mistakes I thought my parents had made on me. It was more of an abstract concept than something I believed would actually become reality. In that past life I had many friends and the resources that allowed me to be a professional drunk. I carried on with little regard for my mental or physical well-being. I was more set to have as many fucked up and interesting experiences even if I got so shit-faced that I would only know of my actions through the storytelling of my friends and acquaintances. I made many mistakes, trusting the words of some who knew little of what they wanted beyond using me to make themselves feel better. I as well found temporary relief in those I dubbed "random heroes". I had the good company of a few trusted friends who had my back as much as I had theirs. I did whatever I could to engage in "Bukowski-ian" adventures sometimes without enjoyment but simply to prove to myself I could.
Just over three years ago I found someone worth shedding this life of drunken stupidity for a  friend's girlfriend's friend. That's when I met Suzy Brewer and I suddenly got more serious about my actions. I didn't reform my boozy ways overnight but she helped me get my shit together and on the road out of the depths whisky bottle and into what manhood( I'm still far off from being a "Man" but I am quite advanced from the boy of foolishness I had been) is suppose to be. I cannot lie, I still miss that boozy, rambling life around Minneapolis and those who surrounded me, I know I'm better off as if I continued I may very well have drove myself to a similar fate that of Bob Stinson. Suzy kept me from becoming an Uptown tragedy. I don't know how many people around me know/knew how close I was to that, mixing heavy partying with a damaged heavy broken heart left me reckless searching for something I was not in a position to find in the mental state I had been residing in.
Beyond this writing, I've don't think I've give the credit due to Suzy for the repair she had instilled in me. Then just weeks beyond a year's passing of when we first met, I was given a second female into my life to further repair all that had ruined in me previously by actions of a potent few.
Lucia Phair who just marked her 2nd year in this world in OUR new home, has given me the strength to shoulder the responsibility I had shunned and shirked for all those intervening years. Every day I struggle to be better and many days I fail but these two women keep my eye on the prize. When I thought about being a dad all those years ago, I didn't think I'd have helped create such a whip-smart, stubborn(should have assumed that one), adorable little kid which Lucia is turning out to be.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a strict Dad but I know if I'm not clear about rules early on Lucia could easily turn out to be the equal worst parts of me and my brother. That would be a failure on my part to equip her with what she needs in life to be a force for good. I'm ok with playing the bad guy early on if it keeps her on the right path into adulthood. I've got miles to go to be a real positive role model for that little girl but I'm trying my damnedest everyday to be alittle better than the day before. She deserves at least that much from me.
Wow, if only I could speak so eloquently verbally but I cannot delete and rephrase when I talk which i why don't like to try.
My fingers are better than my tongue ever could hope to be.

On other matters, after reading this it may be hard to believe but I've come up upon writer's block with my novel project. I had been on a roll of nearly 20 pages but then I lost my inspiration. I hope to continue it soon but as I think i mentioned above, after my workday I'm exhausted and with that comes a deflated imagination and inspiration. I do think that the more time I let pass the more I'll be able to bend and shape what I have written into something worth another person reading. With writing my only fear is that I will not have the courage to develop my own voice and what I end up with whenever I get to the finish will be too influenced by the authors I so enjoy. If I finish it the worst thing I could hear from those who eventually read it is that it is a "poor man's Bukowski or Klosterman or Pollack".

Fuck, wow, my fingers have worked themselves overtime. This was alot more than what I had planned on, I was just gonna gush a bit about my new house a bit but I'm kind of shocked at how much I actually had inside of my every turning brain. I feel like I just wrote a novel in 20 minutes. Whoever the audience is for this blog, I bet it feel like one too.
Here is where I stop, drop and roll...