Sunday, July 20, 2014

Picking my words is the equivalent of picking my nose

I have been avoiding updating this but I feel like it's about time put a little up here so here goes
2014 has been a blur.
Not that a million things have happened, more that my mind has been cluttered. I got a couple ideas on why.
Overall life is humming along.
I do feel like I've been detached from my family life. All I want to do is crawl into my hole that is my basement mini movie theater. Especially after my work days.
I can feel my body falling apart, well not all of it, just my knees and back. The hot as hell work environment has been draining me and just murder on my muscles. And those damn 10 hour days really put an extra stress on my body. What else can you expect from a warehouse job. It comes with the territory. That along with low pay.

Other than that I've been retreating and being playing the part of the loner seems to be that I've been dealing with a nasty bout of depression. Cannot figure out for the life of me what is causing that. I know it's affecting my performance as a father and husband. I don't have alot to say or an abundance of patience. It's not fair to my family but I can't shake it. Seeing a therapist is something on my "to do list" but more doctor bills seem a bit daunting. I don't know what else to do. Even if I have people in my immediate network of family and friends who I know would be happy to listen, there is no way I can feel comfortable enough to unload my day to day pathologies upon them. I believe I would really have to have a true outsiders perspective. Ideally I'd love to go and see a therapist twice a month rather than once a month to feel like I'd have a chance at making any progress at fixing what i feel is wrong with me. I have a feeling that there are some things that I don't have the capacity to deal with or explore on my own. This is a facet of life I'm going to have to work on as the year progresses.
So all that shit swirling in my head that seems to have caused a spike in depression added to my already existing affinity for anxiety induced anti-social behavior has shown me just how much of an asshole I can come across as.
An asshole and very non-interactive. Not a great combo for summertime fun since this is when family wants to spend more time together and nothing against anyone but if I had my choice I'd spend my time at home. This I'm pretty sure comes across that I don't like my family or I'm an arrogant prick who thinks I'm better than everyone which isn't the case at all, I just don't feel comfortable or personable most of time.
Then there a few things in another aspect of my personal life that I would like to improve on but even here I don't feel comfortable going into detail about.

On the plus side of things, I've been doing a few small things for the welfare of animals in the past few weeks, so I got that going for me.
I used a great deal of willpower and saved enough money to buy myself a Playstation 4. I've got to work on my willpower to stop eating so much sugar and other junk food though. At the beginning of the year I did one of those elimination diets but it yielded negligible. I only found that the stuff ate after eliminating everything else still fucked with my digestive tract so as I said pretty much a bust.

Shit, no matter how I try, i keep landing in the negativity aspects of life. SO lets see how many good things I can list to counteract this tendency I have.

-Lucia has been getting smarter and more independent and funnier every day.
-I'm starting to get use to getting up near 5:30am
-Working in the warehouse allows me to feel like I've gotten a workout everyday eliminating the need for going to a gym.
-I've been told quote I'm "one of the best fucking worker they have"
-I got to take Lucia to see the Elver Park fireworks while getting to hang out with one of my best friends
- I got to watch fireworks from my driveway with Suzy
-I've cut down on drinking very significantly
-I reached my goal of being able to afford a PS4
-Helped Suzy dig out a garden in our backyard
-we found a way that will hopefully result in us saving alot of money this winter in energy bills.
-gave a home to another homeless kitten
-prospect of going to at least one day of Riot Fest this fall.
-I haven't combed my hair since March and I keep getting compliments on how nice it looks.

ok, thats some progress. I can come up with a small list of positives.

lastly and least important to mention but I've really gotten into listening to podcasts. They help my workday go by much faster. I started with listening to audiobooks but I ran out of them and podcasts are free and update weekly. I've gone through the back logs of all my favorite podcasts pretty quickly.

well I need to quit babbling as I've got a kitten attacking my fingers as I type. no idea when I will update again but more than likely not in the nearest of futures.
Until then, enjoy the ever expanding cosmos.